What If You
by MuffinOnYourFace
Summary: This story takes place right after the season 3 finale "Didn't We Almost Have it All". Meredith finds herself pregnant and struggles with how to tell Derek. MerDer all the way!
1. Two Pink Lines

_Meredith, I do love you. You're the love of my life. _He said it. He said those words. These words, which I have been longing for so long to say back to him. This perfect man who loves me. What is wrong with me that I can't just let him? I should just him go. I would let him go, but I do love him. I do. What is wrong with me that I can't just tell him?

_Put me out of my misery. _He said that to. Can I really blame him? I've dragged him along for long enough. I take a step towards him, just to take two backwards. What is wrong with me that I can't just take two _towards him_? Or at least stand still. Stand still and let him love me instead of running away.

I can't run away now. I can't run away from this. These two pink lines. I have always felt that it is cruel that those two little pink lines should hold so much power in this world. Power over how a person's life is going to turn out. Two pink lines. I'm pregnant. Four weeks pregnant to be exact. Dammit.

I lean against the bathroom door, letting my body go slack. I close my eyes and let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. Two pink lines. Dammit. Suddenly, someone knocks on the door. I feel the door vibrate against my back. "What?" I croak. Three hours of vomiting can really kill your voice.

"I have to pee," Alex says from the other side of the door.

"So?" I say. I can't let him in. Because he'll know. If only because the pregnancy test box is still on the counter and I'm still holding the actual test in my hand.

"Let me in," he says.

"No," I say, just because I don't want to get up.

"Meredith," he says.

I pull myself up off the floor and swipe the test box off the counter. I'm just going to throw it into the garbage can when the door swings open and Alex walks in. I spin around, holding the test behind my back. "Alex!" I say.

"I told you I had to pee," Alex says.

"What if I had been naked?"

"You aren't."

"Yeah, but I could've been," I say.

He considers me through narrowed eyes. My stiff posture, hands clamped behind my back, pale face, blood shot eyes. "What's wrong with you?" he finally says.

"Nothing," I say.

"What are you holding behind your back?" he asks taking a step towards me. I take a step back, my back hitting the counter.

"Nothing," I say.

"I know it's something," he says.

"Alex," I say. "I can't…Please just don't…"

He stops at that. His face softens slightly. "Seriously, Mer, what's wrong?"

I suddenly want to cry. I'm so tired and I miss him so much. I miss his arms and his smell and his lips. To my dismay, I feel tears well up in my eyes. "It's…nothing," I say, my voice cracking.

"Meredith," he says, more gently than I've ever heard him say anything.

"I'm pregnant." I close my eyes and a tear slips down my cheek. I let my arms go slack and place the test on the counter, not looking at Alex. I feel his eyes shift from my face to the test. Two pink lines.

"Oh," he says.

I look at him. There is pity in his eyes and that makes me feel even worse. "Yeah," I say.

"Derek?" he asks.

I nod. "Yeah," I whisper.

"Are you okay?" he asks. I shake my head slightly.

"I think we broke up," I say. God, what is with me? Since when do I share my deepest secrets with Alex?

"I'm sorry," he says.

"Yeah," I reply. "Me too."

We are both silent for a moment and then I move towards the door. I pause in the doorway and turn back to him. "Just don't tell anyone," I say.

"I won't," he says with a slight nod.

"Okay," I say.

"I'm here you know," he says suddenly. "If you need anything."

I nod. "Okay."

xxx

I walk into the hospital and go straight to the resident locker room. Christina is already there and I walk over to her. "This is the day," she says. "This is the day when we get our own interns. Our own suck ups. Our own nobodies to rule."

I only nod. I'm exhausted. I woke up three hours early with morning sickness and wasn't able to go back to sleep. "You okay?" Christina asks.

I look up at her. "Yeah," I say. "Fine."

She looks at me for a moment longer as if deciding whether or not to believe me. But just then, Callie walks into the room. "Did you hear she got chief resident over Bailey?"

I stand up. "Really?" I say. Christina nods and raises her eyebrows. Callie glances at a clipboard before looking back up at us. "Okay, so right now all you have to do is greet your interns. Give them a tour, tell them what's what, how we run things around here."

Already everyone is moving and all I want to do is lie down and sleep. I don't want my own suck ups. I don't want to rule over anybody.

xxx

Interns. My interns. I see them huddled by a nurse's station. Looking a combination of horrified and eager. God, did I ever look like that? I approach them. _Let's just get this over with, _I think to myself.

"Hi, I'm doctor Grey. I'm your resident."

xxx

At lunchtime, I retreat to the cafeteria happy to be away from my interns. I spot Alex, Christina and George sitting at a table and make my way over to them. I sit down next to Christina. She glances up at me. "You look horrible," she says.

"Thanks," I reply. I pick up my sandwich, but can't bring myself to take a bite as a wave of nausea hits me. I put it back down with a grimace and take a drink of water.

"You sick?" George asks.

"Just…the flu," I say, glancing at Alex.

"So," Christina says, leaning back in her chair. "I think I'm the new Nazi."

"You are so not the new Nazi," Alex replies.

"Oh shut up," Christina says. She glances over at me again and I know I look horrible. "Seriously, what's wrong with you?" Christina asks me.

"It's nothing, okay?" I reply, suddenly annoyed at her. "I'm fine. What about you? You're the one who got left at the alter."

"I'm fine," Christina says. "I'm dealing."

"Exactly," I say. "Me too."

We sit in silence for a while and I am suddenly overcome with sadness. I miss him so much. I need him so badly. What is wrong with me?

xxx

I don't see him all day. I long for and wish for him, but it isn't until I'm walking out the door to go home that he calls out to me. "Meredith." _Meredith. _I freeze. It's one thing to miss him, it's another to actually see him. I can't run away. I can't. Two pink lines. I'm caught between those two damned pink lines. I should tell him. I have to tell him. He deserves at least that.

I turn and look at him. "Meredith," he says again. And I walk towards him. He smiles slightly as he gazes down at me, before reaching for my hand. I close my eyes for a moment as I feel his fingers graze mine, before grasping them firmly. "We need to talk," he says.

I open my eyes. "Yeah," I manage. "We do."

Together we walk to a nearby on call room. He closes the door behind us and releases my hand. I suddenly wish that he hadn't. I walk over to the table on one side of the room, leaning against it. He leans back on one of the bedposts and bows his head.

I stare down at my feet not knowing what to say, wishing I knew what to say. "I, um…" But the words are lost. Suddenly, he lifts his head and looks at me. "You're not ready for this," he says.

_I am, I am! _I want to scream. But I don't. I can't. "No," I say instead.

"I asked for too much," he says softly.

"I think so," I hear myself say as I stare helplessly at the floor. I hear him as he pushes off from the bedpost and walks over to me. I look up into his eyes and I almost tell him. Almost. _I'm pregnant. And I love you._

"So this is it?" he asks softly.

"Yeah," I say dumbly.

"We're breaking up," he says. I look up at him finally and he leans towards me ever so slightly.

"We're breaking up," I say. _I love you. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. _His gaze shifts from my eyes to my lips and back again. God, why is he looking at me like that? I can't think when he looks at me like that.

"We're broken up," he says.

"It's done," I say, because what else can I say? He leans towards me again and I can feel my body begin to respond. He hasn't even touched me and already I can feel desire curling within me. I want to feel his hands on me, I want to feel his lips against mine. I know I should walk away. I know I should, but I can't. I'm only human, and I love him so much.

I turn away for a second, but when I turn my face towards him again, he moves closer to me. I part my lips slightly in anticipation and tilt my heads towards him as he lowers his lips to mine. His lips are warm, his kisses lingering and I feel myself press my body against his instinctively. He sweeps his tongue across my lips and I part my lips slightly, allowing him access.

After a while, he pulls back and brushes the hair out of my face. "Break up kiss," he says softly. I close my eyes and move closer to him. "Break up kiss," I say.

He kisses me again and this time there is an urgency to it. I moan softly in the back of my throat and move my hands to his chest, clinging to him, his kisses leaving me breathless and aching for his touch. I gently push his coat off his shoulders and he breaks the kiss for a moment. " And some break up sex," he says, reaching for the hem of my shirt.

"Yeah, some break up sex," I agree, not caring about anything. I reach for the edge of his shirt, breaking the kiss for a moment to lift it over his head. I move my hands over his chest, feeling the fine hairs between my fingers, reveling in the sensations darting through my body as he kisses my lips, my cheek, my chin. I am heady with longing as he lifts my shirt over my head and pulls me against him.

I am suddenly overcome with such an intense flood of emotions that I feel my knees buckle beneath me. But he only tightens his grasp around me, pressing his face into my hair and breathing in deeply. I wish I could stay like this together. Just like this. I think of the baby growing inside me and I suddenly can picture myself holding that baby with Derek beside me like he always intended to be. It suddenly all seems possible with his arms wrapped around me and his lips on my neck.

He gently lifts me in his arms and I wrap my legs around his waist and loop my arms around his neck as he carries me over to the bed. He lowers me onto the sheets and lies down beside me. I look into his eyes and run my hands across his chest, desire darting through me.

He leans down and begins to trail kisses across my chest and over my breasts. I groan softly as he runs his tongue over my nipple, feeling it harden under his more than capable touch. He then moves to the other and I close my eyes as pleasure darts through me, straight to my core. I roll on top of him and lower my lips to his. He slips his tongue into me mouth, brushing it across the roof of my mouth. I begin to grind my hips against his, my desire increasing by leaps and bounds. I feel him respond to my movements and he lets out a soft moan, holding my hips and moving against me. He reaches for the snap on my jeans and I pull back slightly, slipping them down off my hips and tossing them on the floor.

I then reach for the drawstring on his scrub pants and undo the knot. He lifts his hips and I pull them off quickly adding them to the small pile of clothes on the floor. He moves his hand along my stomach, to the edge of my panties. He curls his finger around the edge and pulls them down. I struggle not to thrust into his fingers as he moves them over my clit, eliciting moans of pleasure from me. He takes me in his arms again and I reach down, slowly guiding him into me. I let out a low moan as he enters me, thrusting gently.

I spread my legs, my need to feel him inside me overwhelming and he begins to thrust into me slowly. I let the pleasure wash over me, trying to forget those two pink lines, trying to forget that we just broke up, trying to forget how much I love him. But I can't. I feel his love in every touch and am only reminded of my own love. I want to tell him. I don't want to lose him. I don't. I can't breathe without him.

He begins to speed up his pace and I moan softly, pulling his hips towards me with each thrust, trying to pull him deeper. He captures my lips in a kiss as he moves within me, loving me in a way that only he knows how. I feel the pressure rising within me and I close my eyes as the pleasure washes over me. He continues to thrust into me, before climaxing with a moan of satisfaction.

He doesn't move for a while, only looks into my eyes, still inside me. I don't want him to move. I don't want to be anywhere without him. But eventually, he does pull away, lying down beside me and pulling me into his arms. I let him. I just want to feel him around me. Protecting me. Loving me.

We don't say anything and after a while he falls asleep, his arms still around me. I reach up and run my finger along his jaw line, feeling the familiar stubble beneath my touch. "I love you," I whisper, before falling asleep.


	2. If Only You Knew

**Okay, so there are a couple of things I didn't really mention last chapter. In this story, George didn't fail his intern exam. He's a resident along with everyone else. Also, I didn't introduce Lexie yet, but I will. She's just not going to be an intern at Seattle Grace. Anyway, I hope you like this fic! Reviews are always great!!**

I walk into the hospital and go straight into resident locker room. Thankfully, it's empty. I walk over to my locker, but don't open it. Instead I sit down on the bench in front of it and let out a breath. I didn't tell him last night. I couldn't. I simply slipped out of his arms as he slept and walked away. That seems to be the only thing I'm good at. Walking away, I mean.

Just then the door opens and Alex walks in. He smiles at me and walks over, sitting down next to me on the bench. "You okay?" he asks.

I nod slightly. "Yeah," I say. "I will be."

We sit in silence for a while. Suddenly, he places my hand on my arm gently. I look up at him. "You should tell him," he says. "He's a good guy."

I feel an ache within my chest. _A good guy. _"Yeah," I agree softly. "He really is."

Alex nods his head slightly and then stands up, walking out the door, leaving me alone.

xxx

I walk out of the locker room and spot my interns. I make my way over to them. "Okay, so today you're going to head down to the clinic with Bailey. She's going to explain how things work down there." They all nod and walk off.

I suddenly feel a wave of nausea wash over me and I lean against the wall, closing my eyes, willing it to pass. I feel someone place a hand on the small of my back. I look up and am met with Derek's intent blue gaze. "You okay?" he asks.

I nod my head slightly and straighten up. "I'm fine," I lie.

"Listen," he says with a slight smile. "I was going to get some lunch. You want to come?"

If only he knew how badly I did want to. "I can't," I tell him. "I have...I have a lot of work to do."

He nods, but his gaze looks concerned as he takes in my face. "Are you sure you're fine?" he asks. He lifts is hand to my cheek and strokes it softly. I close my eyes and lean into his touch, only for a moment.

"I'm fine," I say. How many times can I say that before it loses all meaning? I pull away slightly and he drops his hand to his side.

"Okay," he says. There is sadness in his eyes. He turns and walks away from me. _Please don't leave me._

xxx

"That was cozy," Christina says, suddenly appearing beside me. I turn and look at her.

"What?" I ask.

"You and McDreamy," Christina replies.

"What about it?" I say, walking over to the nurse's station and grabbing a chart.

"Are you still together?" Christina asks. "I thought it was over."

"It is," I say.

"Well then what was with the touching moment over there?"

"I don't know."

Christina looks at me and shakes her head. "You are so messed up."

I glare at her. "Shut up."

"Well you are," Christina replies. "He is like this great guy and you're like the queen of avoidance."

I sigh and put down the chart in my hands. I turn my face away from her and gaze, unseeing, as doctors swarm around us. _A good guy. A great guy. _"I'm pregnant,"

I tell her softly.

Christina freezes, her mouth slightly agape. "You're...you're pregnant?"

I turn back to her. "Yup," I say.

"Well...what...are you...does he know?" she stammers.

"Nope," I say.

"Are you going to tell him?"

I shake my head slightly and think back to all those times when he was there for me and I ran away. I always ran away. I only told him I loved him once. Once for all those times he whispered it to me as he held me in his arms. Once for all those times that he tried to love me and I wouldn't let him. "I really miss him," I say quietly.

Beside me, Christina frowns and leans her elbows on the counter. "Me too," she says. And I know that she is not thinking of the same _he _that I am.

xxx

That night as I am about to go home, I bump into Derek in the hallway. "Hi," he says, smiling slightly at me.

"Hi," I reply, glancing at the floor, fidgeting nervously with my watch. We stand in silence for a while. And as we stand there, I suddenly become tired of myself. Tired of the fact that I can never do what want or say what I want. Tired of the fact that I have never been able to let Derek in. Tired of those two damned lines. Tired of everything.

"Are you okay?" he asks finally, breaking the silence.

I look up at him. "Can you stop saying that?" I tell him, suddenly angry. "Can you just stop trying to take care of me?"

He simply watches me for a second and I know that he can see that something is wrong. How does he do that? Sometimes I feel like he knows me better than I know myself. He takes my hand and leads me into a nearby on call room. I walk in in front of him, my arms folded across my chest. I hear him close the door and the dull click of the lock.

"Meredith..." he says softly.

I turn around. "Just don't. Please, just don't. Because every time you look at me like that, every time you ask me if I'm okay...it just makes me want to tell you that..." I break off, bowing my head. "Please, just don't."

I hear him let out a breath and I glance up at him. His eyes are misty. _What happened to us? How did we end up here? _He shakes his head and takes a step towards me. "I know something is wrong. I can see it. Please, just tell me, Meredith," he says.

I look helplessly at him. _Just tell him. Just say it. _But I can't. I feel tears prick my eyes and drop my gaze to the floor. "I...I can't..." I tell him softly.

He closes the space between us and wraps his arms around me. I stiffen slightly at first, but soon relax into his touch, letting my head fall on his chest. "I'm sorry," I say into his shirt. _I really am. For everything._


	3. Within You

"I love him," I tell Christina as we lie on my bed that night. "I do. Why can't I just tell him?"

"Because you're messed up," Christina replies, pausing in her endeavor to paint her nails a very hideous shade of blue. "You're all dark and twisty inside."

"Enough with the dark and twisty," I say, sitting up and running my hands through my hair. Christina only shakes her head and goes back to painting her nails. "Why are you painting your nails blue?"

She shrugs again and thrusts the brush back into the bottle. "I don't know. I'm being a rebel or whatever." I laugh and flop back down on the bed with a mighty sigh. "Have you told him yet?" Christina asks.

I turn my head to look at her. "No."

"You should," Christina says, leaning back against the headboard and admiring her new nails. "He'd probably be a good father," she adds thoughtfully.

"What's with you being all thoughtful and…nice?" I ask. "It's freaking me out."

"I am not thoughtful and I am definitely not nice," she says adamantly. She shakes her head, running her hand through her hair. "I just…I miss Burke."

I frown slightly. "I know."

"But I haven't gone soft," she says.

I shrug. "Hey I'm not judging. I can't stop having break up sex with the man whose child I'm carrying."

Christina scowls at me. "You're still doing McDreamy?"

I close my eyes for a second. "It's not what you think. When ever we…He just…He makes me feel safe."

And it's true. In that moment right after, when he wraps me up in his arms, I move close to him, pressing my body against his and in that moment I feel whole. I feel safe. I feel loved.

"Meredith," Christina suddenly says. I look at her. "You have to tell him."

I nod and look away again. "I will," I say. "I will."

xxx

The next day as I'm jogging down the hall in search of my interns, I realize I left my pager in my locker. I spin around and suddenly crash into Derek walking in the other direction. He instinctively wraps his arms around me to steady me. I place my hands on his chest and close my eyes, relishing in the feeling of his body pressed against mine. After a moment, though I pull away. "I'm sorry…I didn't see you…"

He smiles down at me. "I actually was coming to find you," he says. "I was wondering if you'd like to scrub in on a craniotomy."

"Yeah, okay," I say, before I can think better of it. "I just…I just need to find my interns…"

He nods. "Okay, just come and scrub in in OR three when you're ready." I only nod and move past him.

xxx

Once I had assigned my interns and sent them on their way, I make my way to OR three and walk into the scrub room. I turn on the faucet and begin to scrub my hands clean. Just then, Derek walks in and stands beside me, washing his hands.

I glance into the OR and see a doctor who I recognize as the new OBGYN. "Isn't he the new OBGYN guy?" I ask Derek.

He tuns to me and nods. "Yes, I asked him to scrub in to monitor the patient."

"She's pregnant?" I ask.

Derek nods. "She is. Why?"

I shake my head slightly. "No reason."

Derek nods, but his brow furrows in concern. Once again, I feel a pang of guilt for not telling him. Once again, I feel the urge to just blurt it. But once again, I stop myself. And I don't even know why. Deep down I know he will be supportive, even happy. Deep down I know he will take care of me and our baby. Is that why I'm running away? God, I hope not.

I grab a couple of towels and dry my hands before walking into the OR, followed shortly after by Derek. "It's a beautiful day to save lives," he says with a smile.

I glance at the patient, at her slightly rounded stomach and somewhere within me I fight the urge to run.

xxx

The surgery was going smoothly until suddenly, the patient's heart went into V-fib. Derek glances at the monitor, pausing in his surgery. "Damn, she's stroking out," he says. "We need to shock her."

I take the paddles handed to me by one of the nurses and place them on the woman's chest. "Charge to 300! Clear!" I glance up at the monitor. No change. "Charge to 300 again! Clear!"

"We're good, I have a normal rhythm," one of the nurses say.

"How is the baby doing, Dr. Paterson?" Derek asks, addressing the new OBGYN.

"The baby is in distress," he replies. "I need to perform an emergency C-section." He takes a scalpel and begins to make the incision. "I'm going to need an extra pair of hands here."

Derek nods to me and make my way around the table. As Dr. Paterson begins to remove the baby from the patient's stomach, I feel a pang within my chest. The baby is tiny. At least one or two months premature. I gently pick up the baby and move her to a table to begin cleaning her off.

"How's the baby, Dr. Grey?" Derek calls over. I don't answer right away. Something is wrong. The baby isn't crying. "Dr. Grey?"

"Her airway is blocked," I reply.

A nurse makes her way over to me and I rub her chest, trying to stimulate it. Finally, the baby begins to cry out and I breathe a sigh of relief. "Everything alright?" Derek asks, resuming his surgery.

I lean my hands against the table and take a deep breath. "Yeah, um...everything is fine," I say as the nurse takes the baby away. My voice is slightly wobbly. I turn around and Derek's eyes are on me. I hold his gaze for a moment, before glancing at the floor.

xxx

As Derek and I are scrubbing out, I can feel his eyes on me as he glances over in my direction. "Are you okay?" he asks. I turn my head towards him and he raises his hands slightly in surrender. "I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to say that."

I shake my head slightly and turn off the faucet. "Don't be sorry. Just don't be...because..." I break off and glance away from him. "I miss you," I tell him softly. "I really miss you."

I turn around, glancing up at him. His expression looks pained. "I want to let you in. But I...I don't know how...and I just... so please, don't be sorry."

He doesn't say anything and for a while, we just stand there. Staring at each other. And then I close the space between us and kiss him softly on the lips. He immediately responds, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me against his body, deepening the kiss. I move my hands across his chest and up into the soft curls at the base of his neck, melting into him. He sweeps his tongue across my bottom lip and I part my lips to his kisses, allowing him access into my mouth.

After a while, I pull back slightly for air and look into his eyes. I reach up and trace his stubble with my finger under his intent blue gaze. My gaze falls to his lips and lean in, kissing him softly one more time. "I'm pregnant," I breathe, before turning and walking away.


	4. What Do We Do Now?

**Here's some more of this story for you guys! I just wanted to check in and say how much I appreciate all of your reviews! I love reading them soooo much!! And I also just wanted to mention that for those of you who were reading my other fic "Let's Go On Dreaming", I just wanted to say that I am going to wrap that up--I won't just leave it hanging...So anyway, I hope you enjoy this!!**

As I walk out of the scrub room, I feel tears prick my eyes. _What did I do? That wasn't supposed to happen. _I walk into an on call room and close the door behind me, locking it. I sit down on the edge of the bed and let the tears come. I don't even know why I'm crying.

I never thought much about having a child. The thought of being in charge of another person scared me to death. What if I messed it up? What if I turned into my mother? But then I met Derek and I thought maybe..._It isn't supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be alone._

Suddenly I hear a knock on the door I lift my head and wipe the tears off my cheeks. "Meredith?" Derek calls from the other side of the door. "Are you in there?"

"Please, just go," I tell him.

"Meredith, please let me in," he replies. "I want to talk to you about this."

"Derek..." I say, choking back tears. "It's okay...Just please leave me alone."

There is a pause. "I can't," he says finally. "I can't just leave you alone."

I get up and, despite myself, open the door. He looks at me for a moment before moving past me into the room. I close the door, but don't turn to look at him. "Meredith..." he says behind me. "Meredith please just look at me."

I turn around and lift my gaze to meet his. "How long have you known?" he asks.

"A couple days," I say softly. He nods slightly and tilts his head as he studies my face.

"Why didn't you say anything?" he finally asks.

I shrug. "We were broken up."

"You still should have told me."

I look into his eyes for a moment, before turning away. "Derek...I can't...I...I don't..." I feel tears in my eyes and I fold my arms across my chest, shaking my head slightly. "I don't know what to do," I say quietly. "I can barely take care of myself, let alone a baby...and we're broken up, we broke up...so if you want to walk away..." Even as I say it I know it's ridiculous. Of course he won't walk away. Of course he won't leave me alone. And for once I don't feel suffocated by the thought.

"Meredith," he says, his voice low. "Never think that. Never think for one second that I won't be there."

I look at him and smile slightly. "Okay."

He moves closer to me and touches my elbow. I close my eyes and lean into him, unfolding my arms and resting them on his chest. He hugs me to his body tightly and presses his face into my hair. "You won't have to do this alone."

I close my eyes with a slight smile and lift my head, finding his lips with mine, kissing him softly. And as he kisses me back, sweeping his tongue across my lips, I feel something different in his kiss. It isn't just pure desire, there is something else...It's gentle and loving and...It's the way he kissed me before. Before I ran away. It's the way he kissed me when he trusted that I would stay.

And all over again, I feel trapped. It's too much. It can't be this easy. I don't deserve all of this. I feel myself pull away from the safe harbor of his arms and take a few steps backwards. He watches me carefully, unmoving, pain flashing in his eyes. "Meredith..." he says.

"I, um, I have to go," I say hastily, reaching for the doorknob.

"Meredith, please."

I turn my head and look at him one last time. "I'm sorry," I breathe before walking out into the hallway.

xxx

I go through the rest of the day in a daze. I miss him all over again and long for him all over again. _I can't keep doing this. It's too exhausting. _It seems so simple when I think about it. But whenever I feel myself letting him in, whenever I begin to let down my guard, I get scared and run.

My father left. My mother was absent. Man after man has left me behind. It's been ingrained in me for too long. _Everyone will leave eventually. _No matter how much I want to, no matter how much I will myself to just stand still, I can't help it. I run. It's what I do best.

That night I meet Christina and we drive to my house together. "I told him," I say wearily as we drive.

"You did?" Christina asks.

"I did," I say.

"What did he do?" Christina asks.

I shake me head. "He was Derek. Perfect and supportive. And I wouldn't let him be."

"You left?"

"I left."

xxx

As soon as we walk into the house I go upstairs into my bedroom and crawl under the covers, despite the fact that it's only 8 o'clock. I'm just so exhausted. Everything is so exhausting. I lie there for a while, tucked under the covers until finally, I drift off to sleep.

Sometime in the night, I am awoken by someone knocking on the door downstairs. I hear Izzie's bubbly voice as she opens the door and then footsteps ascending the stairs. The footsteps stop in my doorway and I know it's him. And despite myself, I feel my heart leap slightly in my chest.

I hear him take off his jacket and untie his shoes before climbing onto the bed, crawling across the covers and lying down behind me. I don't say anything only lean back towards him slightly, closing my eyes. And then he wraps his arms around me and presses his face into the curve of my neck, breathing in deeply. Still I don't say anything and he moves his hand up my thigh, along the curve of my hip, before coming to rest on my stomach.

For now, this is enough. For now, this is okay. Just his arms holding me and his smell surrounding me and his lips pressed gently into my neck. This enough. This is okay. For now, I don't pull away. And I close my eyes and drift off as he traces slow circles on my stomach.

xxx

I wake up as the morning light slants through my bedroom window. And he is still there. With me. His arm draped across my stomach and his breath tickling my cheek. I turn in his arms so that we are facing and he is already awake. "Morning," I say softly.

"Morning," he says. He leans forward and kisses me softly, cradling the back of my head with his hand. I immediately respond, deepening the kiss and pulling myself against his body. After a while, he pulls back slightly and looks into my eyes. I can sense that he is about to talk and raise my finger to his lips. I don't say anything, only lean forward, replacing my finger with my lips, kissing him hungrily.

He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me on top of him, so that I'm straddling his waist. I look into his intent blue gaze and smile slightly, before reaching down to the edge of his shirt and pulling it up over his head. I move my fingers lightly over his chest, feeling the soft curls beneath my fingertips, before leaning down and pressing kisses along his jawline, feeling the rough stubble against my soft lips.

He groans softly in the back of his throat and reaches down, pulling my shirt up over my head. I give myself over to the pleasure darting through as he runs my hands over my breasts and stomach. No other man has ever made me feel the way he does. No one has ever moved me like him. _What is wrong with me?_

Suddenly, he flips us over so that he is on top. He hovers over me for a second, his body barely touching mine. I moan softly and arch into him, needing to feel him inside me. He reaches down and pulls my pajama bottoms off my hips, my panties following shortly after. I reach for the snap on his jeans impatiently, but he stops me. Instead he lowers his mouth to my breast, sweeping his tongue over my nipple until it hardens beneath his touch. He then moves to the other and continues his torment until it's too much for me to bear.

I reach for the snap on his jeans again and this time he lets me, lifting his hips slightly as I slide them down along with his boxers. He pauses for a second and I whimper softly beneath him, pulling his hips towards me. He finally gives in and thrusts into me slowly. I let out a moan as he begins to move within me, closing my eyes as pleasure washes over me, pushing all of my problems, all of my fears away. At least for now.

Afterwards, he takes me into his arms and presses a kiss to my forehead. I rest my head on his chest and let out a breath. "What do we do now?" I say softly.

He reaches out and lifts my chin with his finger, tipping my face towards him. I part my lips slightly and he leans forward kissing my softly. "I don't know," he says. "I don't know."


	5. Afraid of Forever

Derek and I walk down the stairs, but as I turn towards the kitchen door, he pauses in the foyer. I turn towards him. "You want some coffee, or something...else?" I ask awkwardly.

He smiles slightly, but shakes his head. "No, I think I should go."

I'm relieved. I don't know how to act around him. I love him and yet I'm scared of him. Of what he means. I know that he is it for me. This is my forever standing right here outside my kitchen. To me, especially to me, that knowledge is the most terrifying thing in the world. "Oh...are you sure?" I ask.

"I'm sure," he says and I know he's doing this for me. He's walking away so that I don't have to push him away.

"Okay," I say softly. "I'll see you at the hospital."

"Yeah," he says with a slight nod. "Yeah, I'll see you there."

xxx

That day as I'm filling out a chart at a nurse's station, Mark walks up next to me and leans against the counter. "How's my favorite dirty mistress?' he says, flashing me his trademark smile.

"Pregnant," I say. I don't take my eyes off the chart in front of me, but out of the corner of my eye I see as Mark practically chokes.

"Pregnant?" he asks.

"Yup," I say. I turn my head towards and shoot him a sarcastic smile. "Your favorite dirty mistress got herself knocked up."

"Huh," Mark says, narrowing his eyes at me.

I look at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Mark says, shaking his head. "I just never pinned you for the mommy type."

Without even thinking about it, I bring my hand to my stomach. For a moment I am lost in my own world, thinking of my baby. _Our baby._ _Maybe..._But just as quickly, I shake my head and drop my hand to my side. "Uh, I'm not," I say half-heartedly. _Maybe..._

"Uh-huh," Mark says. He shakes my head at me with a slight smile.

I glare at him and turn back to my chart. "So did you just come over here to harass me or do you have an actual question?"

He laughs. "There's the Meredith I know and love. For a second I thought the hormones had washed the sauciness right out of you." I laugh in spite of myself. "Anyway, I did have an actual question."

"Well," I say, "what is it?"

"Have you seen Karev anywhere?" he asks.

"Are you actually incapable of ordering yourself a cappuccino or do you just enjoy being a complete ass?" I ask.

"Oh I'm completely incapable," he replies. "Last time I tried I almost died. You know, I almost stopped living."

"How do you die ordering coffee?" I ask.

He shrugs and shoots me a smile again, leaning close. "Use your imagination."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Well I haven't seen him so you might just have to _risk your life _again," I say sarcastically.

xxx

"Are you okay?' Christina asks as we sit in the cafeteria that afternoon. "You look...green."

I groan softly. "Stupid morning sickness."

Christina glances at her watch and raises her eyebrows. "It's like three o'clock in the afternoon."

I glare at her. "Well I get my morning sickness in the afternoon."

Christina scoffs and takes a bite of her sandwich. "That sucks," she says around her bite of ham and cheese.

"Ugh," I say, leaning over slightly as a wave of nausea hits me. "Don't chew with your mouth open. It's gross."

Christina laughs. "Jeez, Mer. Sensitive much?"

"Shut up," I tell her, holding my stomach. "Crap, I'm going to be sick."

I jump up and run out of the cafeteria into the nearest bathroom, brushing past Derek on the way. He watches me make a beeline towards the women's room, his brow furrowed in concern. As I pass, he reaches out as if to stop me, "Meredith..." he says, but I'm already gone.

I lean back against the stall door after emptying the contents of my stomach and let out a breath. "Being pregnant sucks..." I mutter.

Just then I hear someone knock on the door. "Meredith?" It's Derek. I smile slightly at the sound of his voice, suddenly wishing that I could just crawl into his arms and go to sleep without worrying about what it meant.

"Yeah?" I say, my voice scratchy.

"Can I come in?" he says, his voice imploring.

I shake my head and close my eyes. I just want to say yes. I just want to let him take care of me. "Okay," I say, proud that I actually said it.

I hear the door open and I pull myself to my feet and walk out of the stall. He takes in my pale face and his eyes immediately cloud over with worry. "You okay?" he asks.

I nod even though I haven't eaten in twenty four hours, even though I feel like I can barely stand. "I'll be fine."

He shakes his head slightly. "No you're not."

For a second I consider getting angry, for a second I consider simply walking away. But I'm just exhausted. Emotionally and physically. So I simply nod. "Okay, maybe I'm not."

He takes a step towards me, but doesn't touch me yet. He waits for me to lean into him ever so slightly and then he closes the space between us and wraps me up in his arms. I press my face into his chest and let him hold me up. He presses a kiss to my forehead and pulls me ever closer as if he could absorb my pain, my sadness if he holds me tight enough. I close my eyes and tuck my arms underneath me, placing them on his chest and leaning into him.

"Thank you," I murmur, feeling my eyes droop.

"You're welcome," he replies, leaning his cheek against the top of my head.

I sigh softly and lift my head towards his. "I'm really tired," I admit.

He smiles at me and reaches up, brushing the hair out of my face. "I know," he says. "You want to go to sleep?"

I nod. "Yeah."

He reaches down and takes my hand and together we walk back into the hall and into the nearest on call room. I sit down on the bed and look up at him. "You don't have to stay," I say, wanting so badly for him to.

"I can stay," he replies. "If you want me to stay, I'll stay."

I nod my head slightly, before breaking his gaze and looking at the floor. "I mean...if you wouldn't mind..."

He immediately sits down beside me and reaches out, placing his finger on my chin and turning my head towards him. "I don't mind," he tells me, his voice soft. I smile and nod, before getting under the covers and settling against the pillow. He lies down behind me and wraps his arm around my stomach, pulling me back against him.

I snuggle back against him, relishing in the warmth radiating off his body, like my own personal heater and he leans forward, kissing my cheek softly. I close my eyes and let myself drift towards sleep. "Don't leave me," I say softly.

I feel his grip around me tighten slightly at my words. "Never," he whispers.

xxx

I wake up and smile when I feel Derek's arms still wrapped around me, his breath warm on my neck. I rub his arm draped across my stomach. "Derek," I say.

"Hmmm," he groans, pulling me closer.

"Derek," I say again. "We should get up."

"Why?" he asks.

_Good question_. "Because," I reply.

"Good answer," he whispers into my ear, sending shivers through my body. I feel as he moves the hand resting on my stomach upwards, running it over my breasts. I let out a low moan and close my eyes at the sensations only his hands can arouse within me.

"Derek..." I say softly, almost pleading. I know that if we go any further, we won't be able to stop. I turn in his arms and look up into his face. I am met with a look of complete bemusement. I smile and hit his arm softly. "Shut up. I can't control myself. I'm having hormone surges."

He only smiles at me , his eyes filling with so much love and veneration that I fall silent, lost in his gaze. "I should go," I say abruptly, pulling away slightly. "We should go."

"Meredith," Derek says, sitting up as I stand up off the bed. "Don't walk away again."

I look into his imploring gaze and suddenly hate myself. "I just...I can't do this," I say.

"What are you scared of?" he asks softly.

I shake my head and glance at the floor before lifting my head and holding his gaze. "Forever," I reply, before opening the door and walking out into the hall.


	6. I Missed You

That night as I am lying in bed, Christina appears in my doorway. She walks across the room, climbs onto the bed and flops down next to me. I turn towards her. Her eyes look slightly red and I know she's been crying. "What's up?" I ask.

"I miss Burke," she says.

"I miss Derek," I say.

She turns her face towards me. "He's waiting for you, you know."

"I know."

"He's not going to wait forever."

"I know," I repeat, but do I? Do I really? People fall out of love. People move on. I just don't want to be the one left behind.

xxx

The next day, I find Derek standing in front of the surgical board, eyeing it uninterestedly. He looks tired as if he hadn't slept the night before. "Hi," I say, coming to stand beside him.

"Hi," he replies, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye.

"I just wanted to, um..." I trail off and look at the board instead of him. "To talk maybe," I say softly.

He turns his head to me. I know he wants to see my face, but I don't look at him. If he could see my face, if he could look into my eyes, he would see how scared I am. How unsure I am. I don't want that. Not now. When I don't turn to him, he nods slightly. "Okay."

We walk into an on call room and he closes the door. I don't look at him for a while and he doesn't say anything. "I, um..." I begin. I finally turn to look at him. I look into his face, but I can't read his expression. "I love you," I whisper.

He stands completely still for a moment, and then he takes a step towards me, but I hold up my hand, stopping him. "Wait," I say. "Don't say anything." I shift on my feet slightly, glancing at the ground and taking a deep breath. "I just wanted to...to tell you, because..." I shake my head. "I don't know."

I look up at him and I see that his eyes are misty, with something along the lines of hope. I don't want to hurt him again. I don't want to run again. "I just...I don't want you to leave me behind."

"Meredith," he says. "I won't leave you behind."

I smile slightly. "You say that now, but..."

"No," he insists. "I would never leave you."

"Derek," I say, my voice soft. "People fall out of love. People move on. I can't keep running from you. I can't keep stringing you along. I don't want to do that to you. So I just wanted you to know that I'm...I'm trying." I pause for a moment and smile at him. "Okay?"

He nods. "Okay. And, Meredith?" I look up at him. "I love you too."

I shuffle my feet slightly and take one hesitant step towards him. He only smiles and wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me into him. I place my hands on his chest and look up into his eyes and that hope is still there. He leans forward slightly and presses his lips to mine gently. I lift my head slightly and part my lips. There is hope in his kiss too.

xxx

That evening, as Christina, Izzie and I are eating dinner in the kitchen, the doorbell rings. I get up and walk out into the foyer. I can see Derek standing outside and I smile as I open the door. "What are you doing here?" I ask.

"I wanted to see you," he replies honestly. I glance at the floor for a second and then back up at him.

"I'm glad you came," I tell him quietly.

"You are?" he asks.

"I am," I reply.

He smiles slightly at me and his eyes light up in the way that they light up when he truly happy. I step forward into his arms and kiss him softly, his stubble tickling my lips slightly. The kiss deepens as he wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me close until my body is flush against his. After a while, I pull back a little, but our foreheads remain touching. "Derek," I breathe. "We have to take this slow."

"Why?" he says, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"Because I don't want to get scared again," I reply honestly. "I don't want to run away again."

He looks into my eyes and nods. "Okay," he says. "We'll take it slow."

"Thank you," I say softly.

He leans into me again, until our lips are mere centimeters apart, and then he pauses, leaving it up to me. The corners of my mouth curve into a smile as I close the remaining space between us, pressing my lips to his gently.

"How slow are we talking here?" Derek asks, his voice low.

I smile and shake my head. "I don't know."

"If I came back tonight after my shift, would that be too fast?" he asks.

I smile. "I think that would be acceptable," I reply. "But no sex."

He chuckles. "Fair enough."

xxx

After Derek leaves, I walk back into the kitchen. When Christina looks at me, she makes a face. "What's wrong with you?"

I only smile. "Derek," I breathe and my voice comes out all dreamy.

"Ew," Christina says. "You should see your face."

"What?" I say. "You should be happy for me."

"Yeah, but honestly, Mer, you're all...glowy," Izzie comments, stirring something on the stove.

"That's just the hormones," Christina says.

Izzie looks up. "What hormones?"

Christina turns and looks at me. "You haven't told her?" she asks.

I grimace. "I forgot," I say sheepishly.

"Oh yeah," Christina scoffs. "You forgot about the human being growing in your uterus."

Izzie looks up at us suddenly. "What?"

"I'm pregnant," I explain.

Izzie stops stirring abruptly and crosses the kitchen until she's standing in front of me. "Seriously?" she asks.

I smile. "Seriously."

"Mer!" She squeals, pulling me into a hug. "That's great!"

"I guess," I say quietly. I think of Derek holding me and his eyes filled with hope. "Yeah, I guess it is."

xxx

Derek did come back, but not when I expected. I had already fallen asleep when he walked into the room quietly and climbed onto the bed, lying down behind me and wrapping his arm around my stomach. "You came," I say, still half-asleep.

"You thought I forgot?" he asks, pulling me closer.

"I was starting to wonder," I reply sleepily, relaxing against his body. He moves his hand along my stomach, before lifting up my shirt slightly and placing his hand on my bare stomach. I smile and drift towards sleep with his arms wrapped securely around me.

xxx

I wake up early as usual and stretch slightly, before settling back against Derek, whose body is curved against mine. Something feels different, though. And it's not just waking up in Derek's arm. It's not just the feeling of his arms wrapped around me, his hand o my stomach, which makes me pause. And then I realize that I'm smiling.

Ever since Derek and I broke up, I've missed this. Just this. Waking up in his arms. Waking up smiling. I haven't been happy without him. I haven't been whole without him. "You awake?" Derek suddenly asks, his voice soft and slightly hoarse from sleep.

"Yeah," I reply.

He lets out a breath and presses his face into the curve of my neck. "I've missed this," he says.

"Me too," I say softly.

He presses a kiss to my neck and begins to move his hand over my stomach methodically. "How are you feeling?" he asks after a while.

"Fine," I tell him. "My morning sickness isn't too bad now."

I feel him nod behind me. "That's good."

I turn in his arms and bring my hands to his chest, playing with his shirt between my fingers. "Hey, Derek?" I ask.

"Mmmhmm," he says, rubbing my back gently.

"My first appointment is in a couple of days and I was just wondering...I mean if you wanted to...come maybe." I glance up at his face and he is smiling at me.

"I'd love to," he says, leaning forward and kissing me softly. I smile against his lips. _Maybe, maybe...I'l stand still now._


	7. Until I Met You

"You nervous?" Derek asks me as we walk into the hospital on the day of my appointment.

"No," I reply. I glance up at him and he's smiling at me knowingly. "Yes."

He chuckles beside me and reaches down, taking my hand in his. "Don't be. It'll be fine."

"What if our baby has like eleven toes? Or two heads?" I ask.

"You did go to med school, right?" Derek says beside me. I shoot him a scowl.

"Shut up," I say.

We walk through the lobby and get onto the elevator. Derek presses the button for the OB-GYN floor, before coming to stand beside me. I really am nervous. And it's not because I'm scared my baby, _our baby, _will have two heads or three eyes or twelve toes, it's because this makes it real.

Once Derek sees that baby, once he hears the heartbeat I know he will fall in love. And I don't want to mess this up. Not now. Not when everything I always dreamed of having is so close. The guy. The baby. The life. I feel Derek's eyes on me and I try to force myself to stop playing with the hem of my shirt nervously, but I can't help it. "Meredith," he says. I turn to him. "Deep breaths."

"Just don't fall in love," I tell him.

"Fall in love?" he says, furrowing his brow.

"With the baby," I say. "Don't fall in love with the baby."

He shakes his head. "What do you mean?"

I open my mouth slightly only to close it again. I look at the floor. "Something could happen."

"With the baby?" he asks. "You're scared of losing it?"

I shake my head. "No, not with the baby. With me."

"Meredith..." he begins, but is interrupted by the doors dinging open. He looks at me and takes my hand, pulling me off the elevator and into an on call room. "Meredith, stop worrying. We're taking it slow. There's no pressure. And I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

I nod my head. "Okay," I say.

He moves closer to me, placing his hand on my waist and pulling me towards him gently. I move into his body and kiss him softly on the lips. He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me securely against his body. "You ready?" he asks.

I close my eyes and let out a breath, resting my head against his shoulder. "Yeah," I say softly. I pull back slightly and he smiles at me. "I'm ready."

xxx

"This might be a little cold," Dr. Paterson says as he squirts some gel onto my stomach. He fiddles with the ultrasound machine for a second before turning the screen towards Derek and I. "There's your baby," he says, pointing to a tiny little peanut shape in the middle of the screen. "And that little flutter is the heart beat."

Without even thinking, I reach for Derek's hand. He takes my hand in his, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Wow," I say, my mouth slightly agape. I glance at Derek and I smile. When I see his slightly misty eyes and awe-struck expression I know I was right. He's already fallen in love. But then so have I.

"I'll give you a minute," Dr. Paterson says, before getting up and walking out of the room, shutting the door softly behind him.

Derek turns to me and I almost laugh when I see the boyish grin plastered across his face. He leans forwards and kisses me on the lips. "It's our baby," he says, looking at the monitor again.

"Yeah," I say softly. "It is."

xxx

That afternoon when Derek and I go back to my house, Izzie practically accosts us at the door. "How was it? Was it amazing?" she asks excitedly. I smile at her, before reaching into my purse and pulling out the picture Dr. Paterson had made for us.

Izzie takes in the small image with wide eyes. "It's perfect," she says, with a satisfactory smile.

"It's a peanut," I say, earning an elbow from Derek.

"It's a perfect peanut," Izzie insists, handing the picture back to me. I laugh softly at her, before tucking the photo back safely into my purse. "Well, I'm making a roasted chicken for dinner so you should stay Dr. Shepherd," Izzie says.

Derek smiles at her. "Oh, no that's fine," he says, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. "I think I'll just head home."

Izzie only shrugs before walking back into the kitchen. I turn to Derek. "You sure you don't want to stay?" I ask him.

"Do you want me to stay?" he asks gently.

I smile when I realize he was worried about overwhelming me. I give a slight nod. "Yeah, I want you to stay."

He smiles. "Then I'll stay."

xxx

After dinner, Derek and I walk into the foyer. He leans in and kisses me softly, before pulling back and smiling slightly at me. "I should go," he says softly.

"No," I say.

He laughs. "I have a shift."

I move into his body and kiss him again, running my fingers up into the curls at the base of his neck. He wraps his arms around me tightly and slips his tongue into my mouth, running it over the roof of my mouth, eliciting an almost inaudible moan from the back of my throat. He pulls back slightly after a minute, "I really do have to go," he says.

I press my lips to his again, once and then twice. "Okay," I say. But I don't pull away. I close my eyes and move hands to his chest, gripping his shirt between my fingers.

He leans in again and kisses my parted lips. I can feel my desire increasing in the pit of my stomach as he kisses me and just as I'm about to lose all control, he pulls back. "I really should go," he breathes.

I nod my head slightly. "Okay," I reply. He smiles at me and reaches up to brush a few loose strands of hair out of my face.

"I'll see you later," he says. He doesn't look like he wants to go anywhere.

"Yeah," I say, forcing myself to take a step back, the chilly air hitting me where his touch once was. He gives a slight nod and then walks out the door, leaving me standing in the foyer wishing he would come back.

xxx

The next morning, I wake up to the sound of footsteps outside my door. I look up and see Derek standing there looking very much like he spent all night in surgery. His hair is slightly messy, his eyes glassy. "Hi," I say, sitting up in bed.

"Hi," he says.

"Long shift?" I ask.

He nods. "Yeah." He walks across the room and sits on the edge of the bed. I smile slightly at him and lean in, pressing a kiss to his lips. "How are you?" he asks when we pull apart.

"I'm fine," I reply, my lips curving into a smile at his concern.

"So I have some bad news," he says after a moment. "The chief is sending me to a conference."

"For how long?" I ask surprised at how disappointed I am.

He smiles at me. "Only a week."

"Do you have to go?" I ask sounding more pathetic than I intended to.

"Unfortunately, yes," he replies.

"Sucks," I say. I wish I could say "I'll miss you", but for now this is the best I can do. Derek chuckles softly and nods.

"Yeah," he replies frankly. "It does."

I look up into his face, into his eyes, losing myself in his gaze. I remember one of the first things that struck me when I first met him in the bar were his eyes. Back then, things were simple. Back then, things weren't complicated yet. I was just a girl. He was just a guy. And we fell in love. Sometimes I find myself wishing that things were still simple like that. I wish I could love him in the way that I was able to in the beginning, but I can't.

I love him in a different way now. It goes deeper. Because despite everything, despite the lies, the wife, I still love him more than I ever thought possible. And it's scary sometimes. And sometimes I run away, but right now, in this moment, it all is worth it.

He leans into me slowly and finds my lips with his, kissing me softly, lazily, like we have forever. I lean into him, pressing my lips more firmly against his. A moment later, he pulls back slightly and pauses, our lips still only inches apart. We stay like that for a while, until I lean forward again pressing my lips to his again softly.

"I wish you weren't going," I find myself saying suddenly.

He pulls back and looks into my eyes, smiling. "Me too," he says.

He wraps his arms around me and I melt against him, resting my head on his chest. I feel my eyes drooping and try, but fail to stifle a yawn. "Tired?" Derek asks.

"A little," I reply.

"Here," Derek says, pulling back the covers on the bed. I lie back down and he tucks the blankets around me before lying down behind me.

"Thank you," I say.

"No problem," he says, wrapping his arm around my stomach and pulling me against him securely.

"You want to know something?" I say sleepily.

"What?" Derek replies from behind me.

"I was an insomniac my whole life until I met you," I tell him quietly. "The only times I have ever gotten a good night's sleep was when you were with me."

He is silent for a while, but I feel him move closer to me, his grasp around me tighter. "I love you," he finally whispers, his breath tingling my ear. I smile to myself and close my eyes, letting myself drift off to sleep with his arms wrapped around me.


	8. Broken Hearts

Derek and I both wake up around ten o'clock. I turn in Derek's arms and look up into his face. "I should get going," he says softly. I smile and glance down, playing with the hem of his shirt between my fingers. "Don't miss me too much," he says softly.

"I'll try not to," I reply with a smile.

He chuckles and leans forward, kissing me softly on the lips. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me against his chest. "Mmmm, you can't move now," I say into his chest.

"Why not?" he says, rubbing my back gently.

"Too comfy," I reply, snuggling closer to him.

He chuckles softly and kisses the top of my head. "I'll be back before you know it," he tells me.

"Liar," I say softly.

"Listen," he says, pulling back slightly. "If you ever need anything or if you just...I don't know...want to talk or something, call me."

"Really?" I say.

"Really."

"I'm going to hold you to that," I tell him.

He chuckles softly. "I'm sure you will." He leans forward and kisses me gently, before pulling back and placing his hand on my stomach. I smile at him and place my hands on top of his.

"You did, didn't you?" I say softly.

He looks up at me again. "Did what?"

"Fall in love," I reply.

He smiles at me and leans forward, pressing a soft kiss to my lips. "Yeah," he says softly. "I couldn't help it."

"Me neither," I say softly.

xxx

I walk into the resident locker room and find Christina standing in front of her locker. I walk over and sit down on the bench next to her. "Hey," I say.

"Hi," she replies, not looking at me.

"You okay?" I ask.

"Yeah," she replies.

"Then why aren't you looking at me?" I ask. She turns and looks at me and I can tell she's been crying. "Christina..."

"Burke called," she says quietly.

"He called?" I ask, standing up abruptly.

"Said he missed me," she says. There is so little emotion in her voice that I don't know how to react. I know how badly he broke her. Those first three weeks after the wedding, those first three weeks without him, I spent with her. I lay beside her night after night as she cried herself to sleep; I watched her go from shellshocked to angry to heart broken; I was there through all of it and he wasn't.

"What did you say?" I ask cautiously.

She shrugs as if we're discussing the weather. "Not much," she tells me. "He did most of the talking." She closes her locker and sits down heavily on the bench. "He wants to see me," she adds almost like an afterthought.

"He wants to see you?" I say, failing to hide my complete and utter amazement.

She looks up at me and there are tears in her eyes. "I don't know what to do. I always know what to do. What happened to me?"

I sit down next to her and put my arm around her shoulder. "I don't know what to say to you. I'm the last person you should take relationship advice from."

She laughs softly. "That is true."

We both fall silent for a minute. "Christina?" I ask breaking the silence.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to see him?"

She pauses, wipes her eyes. "I don't know."

xxx

"Grey!"

I turn around and see Callie striding towards me. "Yeah?" I say.

"The new attending just got here," she says. "You're going to be her resident for the day."

"The new Burke is here?" I ask.

She nods quickly before moving past me down the hall. I also move away down the hall and quickly find the new attending talking to chief by a nurse's station. I approach them and stand off to the side. The chief glances up, notices me, and motions for me to come over. I walk over, plastering a smile on my face.

"Dr. Hahn, this is one of Seattle Grace's finest residents," the chief says. "Dr. Grey."

Dr. Hahn extends her hand and I take it. "Dr. Grey, huh? Well that's a very flattering introduction from Richard here."

"Not flattering," the chief says with a smile. "True."

"Well, we'll see," Hahn says. "Once I'm through with her...well you never know."

The chief laughs beside me. "Go easy on her Erica."

As he walks away, Hahn turns to me again. "You ready, Dr. Grey?" she asks.

I nod and follow her as she walks into a nearby patient's room. "This is Jack," she says, smiling at the patient in the bed. "He is one of my oldest patients."

"The commute's a little longer now that you decided to move to Seattle," Jack says with a laugh. "But apparently, I need the best."

"Where's Martha?" Hahn asks, flipping through Jack's chart.

"Oh she's off in search of dark chocolate and pickles or something like that," Jack replies with a smile. "Ever since she got pregnant she's been craving some very strange foods."

"Well it's to be expected," Hahn says. She marks something on the chart and then turns back to me. "Okay, Dr. Grey, if you don't annoy me too much maybe I'll let you scrub in."

"I'm sorry," I say, looking from Jack back to Hahn. "What would I be scrubbing in on?"

"Jack here suffers from aortic dissection," Hahn says. "Can you define aortic dissection for me, Grey?"

"It's when a small tear forms on one of the inner layers of the heart," I reply. "It can often be treated by keeping the patient's blood pressure under control, but if the tear gets worse surgery is needed to repair it."

"Very good," Hahn says with a slight nod. "We've been able to control Jack's by monitoring his blood pressure, but now we have to turn to surgery as our last resort."

"That's the only reason I followed you all the way out here," Jack says. "I'm not about to leave my wife alone with a baby on the way."

"It was the right thing to do," Hahn says with a smile. "Because I am one of the best."

"You surgeons and your egos," Jack says.

Hahn laughs before turning back to me. "So, Grey," she says. "Prep our patient for his operation. We'll see how good you really are."

xxx

"See that, Grey?" Hahn says. "Jack here wouldn't have survived much longer with a tear in his aorta this size."

I lean forward and take a closer look at Jack's heart, open and exposed. Open heart surgery never ceases to amaze me. We, as surgeons, open a person up, take their heart into the palm of our hand and put it back together. We mend broken hearts, literally. It's a high like no other.

I watch as Hahn carefully repairs the tear in Jack's heart. Suddenly though, Jack goes into v-fib. Hahn glances up at the monitor, her scalpel hovering over Jack's stilled heart. "Okay, get the paddles," she says, pulling her glasses off of her face. "Grey, take them."

I take the paddles handed to me and place them on Jack's chest. "Charge to 200!" I say. "Clear!"

Hahn and I simultaneously look up at the monitor. No change. "Charge again!" Hahn orders.

"Charged to 250!" a nurse calls. I shock Jack again, but his heart still does not respond.

"Dammit," Hahn says. She moves to Jack's chest an begins manual compressions.

I take a step back from the table. We, as surgeons, open peoples' chests. We take their hearts into the palms of our hands. But sometimes there are some wounds, some hurts, that go so deep there is nothing we can do. Sometimes broken hearts remain broken.

xxx

I know it's Martha right away. Not because of her round belly, but because of her eyes. There is hope in them. Hope and fear. I walk up to her slowly, my throat aching slightly. She looks up at me and the smile vanishes from her face. "Is it Jack?" she asks, her voice breaking. "Is he alright?"

I look at the ground, twisting my hands hands together. I lift my gaze back to her face. "There was more damage to Jack's heart than we expected..."

"Is he alright?" she repeats. I only look at her and she shakes her head, tears spilling out of the corners of her eyes, down her cheeks. "You have to say it."

"Jack is..." I begin, but my voice breaks. I swallow the lump in my throat. "He didn't make it."

Martha slumps against her, her head falling into her hands. "No," she sobs. "No this is not happening. This is not happening."

"I'm sorry," I breathe, before backing away slowly.

And what about them? What about the people whose hearts have sustained a break that can't be sewn back together? The people whose hearts cannot be fixed under the scalpel? We, as surgeons, with our scalpels and our egos cannot help these people. For these people there is no hope.


	9. Why Do I Feel This Way?

"Mer? You okay?"

Izzie's voice seems distant as I walk past her into an on call room. "Meredith? Meredith?" I shut the door to the sound of her voice and press my back against it. Why did Derek have to leave? Why did he have to go just when I was starting to let him in, just when I was starting to think that maybe things were different, that maybe I really wasn't broken?

I slide down the door as my legs go weak beneath me. I miss him. I really, really miss him and I don't want to miss him. I love him too much. It hurts too much. What if I lost him? What if he is gone tomorrow? Where would that leave me? With a broken a heart.

I pull my cell phone out of my pocket and dial Derek's number, tears blurring my vision. He picks up on the second ring. "Meredith?" he says and the sound of his voice is so lovely, so comforting.

"Derek..." I gurgle, my words partially swallowed up in my tears.

"Mer? What's wrong?" he asks.

I shake my head into the phone and then realize disjointedly that he can't see me. "I'm a mess," I manage, before breaking down into tears.

"Okay," he says, his voice soft. "I'm just going to hang out here for a while."

I squeeze me eyes shut and take a couple of deep breaths, trying to steady my breathing. I suddenly wish so badly that he were here that I actually feel a pang in my chest. "Derek, please," I say, a sob in my voice. "Please don't ever..." I swallow and let out a breath. "Don't ever die."

"I'll do my best," he says on the other end.

"Good," I say, my breath evening out. I take a couple of deep breaths. "I'm okay now."

"Okay," he says and his voice is pained.

"Come back soon," I say.

"I will. I promise."

xxx

I knock on Christina's apartment door, barely able to keep my eyes open. I'm exhausted. Not tired. Exhausted. I can't ever remember being this drained, even in those first few weeks as an intern, even after staying up for days, even after standing up for days in the OR. I look at my stomach accusingly as if the baby growing inside me is at fault for my exhaustion. _Well it is, _I reason. _Kind of._

Christina opens the door and furrows her brow at the sight of me. "You look like shit."

"You're not so hot yourself," I reply, moving past her into the apartment. I walk over to her couch and fall backwards onto it, letting out a long sigh. "I'm think I'm dying," I tell her dramatically.

"Uh-huh," Christina says, clearly unimpressed by my pain.

I look up at her. "What about you? What're you going to do with Burke?"

She shakes her head and walks over to the couch, sitting down at my feet. "I don't know. I should probably just meet him and kick the crap out of him."

"You could do that," I say. "Or not."

"What? You're not actually suggesting that I _forgive him, _are you?" I raise my eyebrows slightly. "No, it's out of the question," she says before I can even open my mouth. "I couldn't do that...I wouldn't..."

I sit up on the couch, folding my leg underneath me. "Maybe not forgive him. But you know...you could maybe...give him a second chance."

Christina looks at me like I just told her I'm having Jimmy Hoffa's love child. "What?"

"A second chance."

"No I heard," Christina replies, making a face. "It's just weird coming from you."

"Oh shut up," I tell her, trying to act offended, but knowing she has a point.

"I guess," she says, leaning back against the cushions. "Maybe you're right."

"I am right," I say.

She turns towards me and scowls. "Whatever, I'll think about it."

I nod and shrug. "Wanna go to bed?"

xxx

The next day as I'm filling out a chart at a nurse's station, I feel someone's gaze on me. I look up into the blue eyes of Derek, and my breath catches in my throat. I smile slightly as he makes his way over to me.

"You're back early," I say.

I see him falter for a response and I know he expected a warmer reception. "I was...I was worried about you," he says, furrowing his brow.

"I didn't ask you to come back early," I say. But as soon as I say it I wish I hadn't.

He stiffens slightly at my response. He shakes his head and furrows his brow. "I know," he replies, his tone steady. "It was my choice."

"I'm fine," I say. "I told you that. I don't need you to save me."

He is silent for a while and then gives a slight nod. Within moments I watch as the openness drains from his eyes. "I never wanted to save you," he tells me quietly, his mouth set in a straight line. "I just wanted to love you."

And then he turns and walks away from me. I did what I wanted, didn't I? I carefully put the distance back between us so that he couldn't hurt me. _One step forward, two steps back. _I can't lose him now, because he's already gone. _Two steps back. _He can't hurt me now. I made it so that he can't break me anymore. _Two steps back. _It's better this way. It is.

But then why do I feel this way?

xxx

I step onto the elevator and press the button for the psych floor. I close my eyes and keep taking deep breaths. I can do this. I can. I know I can. The elevator dings open and I step off of it.

I have always believed that therapy is for weaklings, for the people who can't solve their own problems, so the very fact that I'm doing this proves how desperate I am. And I am. Desperate, I mean. I have proved to myself over and over that I am in fact quite incapable of solving my own problems.

I remember one psychologist who I referred a lo of patient's to over the years. On a whim, I knock on her door.

"Come in." I push open the door, but don't walk in. The psychologist, Dr. Williams, turns in her chair and smiles at me. "I said come in."

I open my mouth, close it. "I'm not even sure I should be here," I blurt out.

She considers me for a second and then stands up. "Well I happen to have some time, so why don't you come in, take a seat and we'll figure it out."

I move hesitantly to the couch and sit down. There are a lot of plants in the room. I remember hearing somewhere that plants are soothing.

"So," Dr. Williams says. "Let's start with you name."

_Easy enough, _I think to myself. "It's Meredith. My name is Meredith."

"And I'm doctor Williams," she says with a smile. "So what brings you here today Meredith?" she asks picking up a clipboard from the table.

"Oh I don't think you'll need that," I say. "I won't be here long."

"Oh I just use it to doodle," she says.

"Really?"

"No."

I nod and look into the corner at a ficus. Then up onto her desk where an african violet is sitting, basking in the light of a lamp. Finally, I look at my hands and there my gaze stays. "Not much for talking, huh?" Dr. Smith says.

I look up at her. "Uh, no," I reply.

"Well then this is going to be pretty hard," she says.

"Yeah," I say.

"Well, how bought we start off easy?" she says. "Where are you from?"

"Here. Seattle."

"A local," she says, nodding. "What do you do?"

"I'm a doctor. A surgeon," I reply.

"A surgeon, eh?" she says, leaning back in her chair. "I don't get many surgeons in here. They tend to be the no-it-alls. Think they can figure out their own problems."

"Yeah, well," I say. "I'm kind of desperate."

"So what is it?" she asks me. "Family problems? Work problems? Boy trouble?" I glance up at the last one and I know I gave myself away. "Boy trouble. Okay."

I focus my gaze on a particularly interesting patch of carpet and keep it there. I wait for her to say something. She doesn't. I heard about this. It's this trick that therapists use. They sit there, not saying anything, knowing that the silence will get to you sooner or later. And even with this knowledge, it's working. I've never liked silence. "There's this man," I say suddenly. "And he loves me and I can't seem to let him."

To my dismay, she still doesn't say anything and I don't know what else to do. "Okay," she says. _Thank God. _"Now we're getting somewhere. Why do you think that is?"

I tear my eyes away from the carpet. "Why do you think what is?"

She smiles slightly. "Why do you think you can't let him love you?"

I shrug. "Isn't that why I'm here?" She leans back in her chair and considers me through slightly narrowed eyes. "I mean, if I had all the answers do you think I would be sitting here?"

"And what? You think therapists have all the answers?" She raises her eyebrows. "High praise."

"No, I don't think...that..." I stumble. "I just...Well aren't you supposed to help me?"

"I'm trying," she replies. "I've known you five minutes."

I stand up abruptly. "You know, this was a stupid idea." I walk towards the door, before turning over my shoulder. Dr. Williams is watching my hasty getaway knowingly. "I'm sorry I wasted your time."

**So Meredith is pretty messed up. When I started writing this, I wanted to acknowledge this fact. She can't let Derek love her. That has been proven over and over on the show. In writing this fic, I wanted to figure out a way in which they could legitimately end up together. So sit tight. They will end up together, but they can't just fix all of their problems in like two seconds. That would be no fun to write!! Lol. So this is my take on the whole therapy thing. I wanted to go in a different direction than the show did. Anyway, please review!! I really do love hearing what you guys think!**


	10. Everything

I walk out of the office and stand in the hall not really sure what to do. I can't go back to the surgical floor, because I might bump into Derek and I can't see that look again. That look void of hope, void emotion. I hate myself for hurting him and yet I can't seem to help myself. Why do I do that? Reel him in only to push him away. _One step forward, two steps back. _

I turn back to the door. Raise my hand to knock. Pause. Drop it again. He may wait for now. He may keep come back to me. He may give me his heart again. But only if I let him. And that is what I can't seem to do. How many times has he given me his heart? And how many times have I broken it?

He chose Addison, his wife, over me and I've held it over his head ever since. He was married to Addison for ten years, probably loved her for much longer and I'm holding the fact that he didn't run into my arms against him. He knew me for, what, a couple months and I simply expect him to drop everything for me? At the time it seemed reasonable, at the time I seemed well within my rights, at the time...I was in love with him. I loved him. And he broke me.

I turn and knock on Dr. William's door again. "Come in," she calls from inside. I walk in. She doesn't look all that surprised to see me.

"Okay," I say. "I do need help."

She nods. "Okay. Why don't you take a seat and we'll give this another go." She reaches for her clipboard, pauses, looks up at me. "Do you mind?"

I grimace. "Only doodling, right?" I say with a slight smile.

"Right," she says. "Only doodling." She smiles and uncaps her pen, before turning her attention to me.

"His name is Derek," I tell her.

"The man who loves you?" Dr. Williams asks.

"Right," I reply. "The man who...loves me." Dr. Williams looks at me expectantly. "But I can't...I don't...I run. I run away from him."

Dr. Williams nods. "Do you want to run?"

"No."

"Okay."

I drop her gaze and stare at my hands, folded in my lap. I feel the urge to get up and leave again, but something stops me. Consciously or unconsciously, I touch my stomach softly. My baby. _Our baby. _I'm doing this for our baby. I'm staying for our baby. I'm fighting for our baby. I look back up at Dr. Williams who is watching me carefully.

"When I was five, my father walked out on me and my mom. And when I was seven, my mother tried to kill herself after the love of her life left." I pause, blink the tears away. "I fell in love with a man who chose his wife over me and I have never been able to let him love me again. And now...Now I'm pregnant with his child and I don't want my kid to end up like me. I don't want to end up like my mother. So please...please help me."

Dr. Williams is silent for a minute, her gaze never wavering from my face. "Well, Meredith," she finally says. "I think I underestimated you."

I swallow. "What does that mean?"

Dr. Williams puts her clipboard down and leans back in her chair, folding her hand in her lap. "It usually takes at least three maybe four sessions for me to get the kind of information you just told me. It shows me that you want to change. And I can only help you if you really want to change."

I nod. "I do. Want to, I mean."

Dr. Williams nods. "Okay then, let's get to work."

xxx

I walk out of Dr. Williams office with a smile playing on my lips. It's not like I figured everything out. It's not like I'm going to be able to run into Derek's arms and suddenly everything will be alright. But something happened. I feel it. I feel...lighter. Like a weight has been lifted.

I step onto the elevator and press the button for the surgical floor. Lost in a reverie, I barely notice when the doors ding open a floor to early. But when I lift my head, focusing my gaze on the person hovering on the thresh hold, my heart leaps in my chest. "Derek," I say softly.

He steps on and stands beside me. I glance over at him, see that he's been crying. "Derek, I'm..I'm sorry..."

"Please, Meredith," he says, he shakes his head softly and turns his face towards the floor. "Please just don't." He is silent for a moment and I realize I'm holding my breath. Is this it? Have I run out of chances? Oh please no...I have so much more to say, so much more to do. _I do love you... _

"I don't know what you want from me," he finally says, his voice soft. He turns his face towards me. "I love you. I _love _you. But you will never let me, will you? And I can't keep doing this. I can't keep...running towards you. Because you will always run away again."

I turn my face away from him. "I don't want to keep running away from you. It's exhausting. Every time I pull away from you, I break my own heart to." I shake my head and lift my gaze to meet his. "I want to change. I want to be better. I want to let you in, but I'm...I'm a mess and I...I'm working on it, okay?"

He nods. "Okay," he says softly. The doors open and he walks away from me, but just before he rounds the corner, he turns and smiles at me. And that smile...It's my chance. Maybe my last one.

xxx

"When I met him, I thought I was done," I tell Dr. Williams a couple of days later. "When I met him I knew right away that he was it for me. He was my forever...or...whatever. But then he chose Addison and...something inside me just...something happened and I don't know how to fix it."

Dr. Williams nods slightly. "But Meredith, it wasn't just Derek, was it?'

I shake my head. "What do you mean?"

"You have been left behind before," I don't reply and Dr. Williams leans back in her chair, before continuing. "Your dad left when you were five for another woman. And your mother tried to kill herself. That is the ultimate form of abandonment."

"She was heart broken," I say, rising to her defense. It's like an instinct, a habit that I am yet to break, even with her gone.

"She didn't value your life enough to stick around. She told you over and over again that you were worthless. The sad thing is, you seem to believe her. " Dr. Williams says.

I'm speechless. I don't know what to say and yet, I know she's right. She is right. About everything. And there is something so liberating and yet so terrifying about that fact. "I didn't believe her," I say half-heartedly.

"You did. You do." Dr. Williams says. "And we can't get anywhere until you believe that you deserve a place on this earth. Until you believe you deserve Derek's love. Until believe that you deserve the guy and the baby and the happily ever after."

xxx

After my shift that night, I go home and up to my room. Christina is already there, asleep. I climb onto the bed and nudge her. She opens her eyes and looks at me. "What?"

"Move over," I say. She groans in protest but rolls over to one side of the bed. I lie down and pull the covers up to my chin. "Hey, Christina?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think I deserve it?" I ask, my voice soft.

She turns on her side to face me and considers me for a second. "Deserve what?"

I shake my head. "Everything."

Christina is silent for a minute. I turn my face towards her, waiting for her answer. "Yeah, I think you do," she finally replies. "I think you of all people deserve to finally be happy."

**A little bit of a shorter update than usual, but I hope you guys liked it. Anyway REVIEW!!**


	11. I'm Getting There

The next morning, I pull into a space in the parking lot and get out of my car. As I'm walking towards the hospital, I hear someone jogging up behind me. I turn and see Derek making his way towards me. I pause and wait for him to catch up. He smiles at me and falls into stride beside me. "Coffee?" he says, carrying a holder with two cups of coffee.

"Is it decaf?" I ask. I bring my hand to my stomach for an instant and his face softens at me.

"This one is," he replies, handing one of the cups to me.

I take it gratefully and sip it. "Mmmm, thank you," I say, giving a satisfied smile.

"You're welcome," he says. We reach the hospital and he holds open the door for me as we walk in. "So you're trying," he says as we make our way across the lobby.

I turn my face towards him. "I'm trying." I pause. "I'm figuring...stuff out."

He gives a slight nod. "Okay." We come to a stop in front of the resident locker room and he moves closer to me, gazing down at my face. I lean towards him slightly, my gaze shifting from his eyes to his mouth. He moves ever closer and I part my lips in anticipation, suddenly unaware of the doctors streaming past us. "Okay," he says, pulling away, leaving me slightly dazed.

I glance at the floor then back at him. "So I'll see you later maybe?"

He smiles. "Definitely," he says.

I turn and walk into the locker room, a smile playing on my face. But as soon as I see Christina sitting on the bench, staring listlessly at the grey face of the lockers, the smile falls from my face. "Christina?" I say, walking towards her. She turns her face towards me, her expression unchanging. "You okay?" I ask.

"He's gone," she says brokenly.

"Who? Burke?" I ask, my brow furrowing in confusion.

She nods. "He left. I missed my chance."

"What happened between last night and this morning?" I ask. She shakes her head and looks at me, her expression almost one of bewilderment. "Christina?"

"He called. Said he couldn't wait anymore. Said he missed me, but that he couldn't wait anymore..." She trails off and shakes her head, tears forming in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," I say, because I don't know what else to say.

She nods tiredly and rests her head on my shoulder. "I guess I missed my chance," she says softly.

xxx

"I almost kissed him," I tell Dr. Williams later that day. "I mean we almost kissed. Whatever. I really want to kiss him. Every time I see him, all I can think about is kissing him. I think I'm having hormone surges."

Dr. Williams laughs. "Then kiss him," she tells me.

"What?" I say, leaning forward.

"Kiss him," she says with a shrug. "It's not like one kiss means you're getting married."

I nod. "No. That's true." I pause and my gaze falls to her ficus as it always seems to do when I'm thinking in this office. "You know what?"

"What?" Dr. Williams says.

"When you said marriage," I tell her slowly. "I didn't freak out. I'm not nauseous. I'm not sweating." I smile slightly. "I think I'm okay."

She smiles genuinely at me. "See? Progress."

xxx

I walk out of Dr. Williams' office and gather up my interns before assigning them to their attendings and sending them on their way. I spot Derek at a nearby nurses station and make my way over to him. He turns his head towards and smiles. "Hey, I was just going to get lunch, do you want to..."

"Come here," I say, grabbing his hand and pulling him into an on call room. I lock the door behind us and then turn towards him.

"You okay?" he asks, giving me a strange look as if he's concerned for my sanity.

I look at the ground then back up at him. "I'm really horny," I answer truthfully.

He pauses at my answer and then chuckles softly, smiling brightly at me. "Is that so?" he says, taking a step towards me.

"Yeah, it is," I say, moving towards him.

He reaches out and wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. "Well that," he replies, "is something I can help with."

I smile and tilt my head to meet his descending lips. "I'm glad," I murmur, before he kisses me softly. Horny was so an understatement. I have never felt longing like this before. I am physically aching for his touch. I sigh softly into his mouth and he takes the opportunity to deepen the kiss, slipping his tongue into my mouth to duel with mine.

I press myself closer to him, desire curling in the pit of my stomach. He applies gentle pressure to the small of my back, holding me against him as he moves his lips from my mouth to my cheek and down to my jaw. I moan softly and reach up, pushing his coat off his shoulder, before immediately reaching down and tugging on the hem of his shirt. He pulls away slightly so that I can lift it over his head, before reaching down and puling my own shirt up over my head.

He then pauses for a second, taking in the sight of me. He moves his eyes over my body slowly and his gaze is filled with so much veneration and love that I move close to him again and press my lips to his. He wraps his arms around my waist again, trailing kisses down my neck, before pushing me backwards gently towards the bed.

I lie down on the sheets before he lowers himself onto me, pressing his lips to mine gently and then harder as I pull him towards me. After a while he pulls away slightly and trails kisses down my neck, across my chest, and between my breasts before stopping at my stomach and resting, cheek to belly. I smile down at him and he lifts his head, smiling at me before pressing a kiss to my stomach and moving back up my body.

He lies down beside me and I reach down, pulling his scrub pants down off his hips. He reaches out and rids me of my own pants, before pulling me back into his body. I lean forward and kiss him softly. He pulls my bottom lip into his mouth, sucking gently, before kissing the corner of my mouth and then my cheek. I close my eyes and focus on the feel of his lips against my skin. He moves his hand from where it was resting on my waist, down along the curve of my hip to my thigh and then back up. The mixture of his hands and his lips and the feel of his body against mine leaves me trembling with desire.

I look into his face and his eyes are dark with desire as well. Gently, he rolls on top of me, but suspends most of his weight in his arms. I can feel him at my entrance and I arch into him. He only smiles and lowers himself slightly so that his chest barely grazes my nipples. I whimper softly beneath him. "Derek..." I breathe.

He kisses me once and then thrusts into my slowly. I let out a moan and pull him towards me, but he only continues his painfully slow pace until I am nearly crying out with desire. Only then does he begin to speed up his pace, eliciting a soft moan from the back of my throat. I press my body into his pulling him deeper as he moves within me. With one last thrust we climax together and I close my eyes as he kisses my lips gently, lovingly.

He lies down beside me and pulls me into my arms, rubbing my back gently. "Thank you," I say.

He chuckles softly and presses a kiss to the top of my head. "You're welcome."

I snuggle closer to him, pressing my face into his chest and letting my eyes droop. As I drift towards sleep, I feel something like contentment washing over me and I smile before sinking into sleep.

xxx

I wake up and smile slightly, moving closer to Derek. I lean forward and trail kisses along his jawline, feeling the familiar stubble beneath my lips. He opens his eyes, subconsciously tightening his grasp around me and turns his face towards me. "How are you?" he asks, his voice soft.

"I'm...good. I think."

He smiles slightly. "You think?"

I nod slightly and shrug. "I'm getting there."

He nods at me, before leaning forward and kissing me softly on the lips. I sigh softly as he presses his body against mine again. "Don't you have work?" I ask.

He pulls back slightly. "It can wait." I nod wordlessly as he leans forward and gently brushes my lips with his. I part my lips and tilt my head towards him and with a small smile, kisses me firmly.

xxx

We walk out of the on call room hand in hand and pause in the hallway. I reach up and straighten the collar of his coat, my gaze never breaking with his. He reaches up and brushes the hair out of my face, before resting his hand on my cheek and stroking it softly. "So do you want come over to my trailer later?" he asks, his voice soft. "I'll make dinner."

"I can do that," I reply with a smile.

He leans towards me slightly, his gaze falling to my lips, still slightly swollen from his kisses. "Can I kiss you?" he asks.

I feel my lips curve into a smile and I nod. "Yeah, you can kiss me." He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me towards him before kissing me gently. I feel desire flare within me again and fight the urge to pull him back into the on call room. He pulls back and smiles at me, before giving my hand one last squeeze and turning and walking away down the hall.


	12. I'll Be Here

That night on my way home, I find Christina sitting in the lobby. I walk over to her and sit down. We sit in silence for a while, until I turn towards her. "What are you going to do?" I ask.

She shifts her gaze towards me. "Go home. And sleep. A lot."

I smile slightly. "Then what?"

"I don't know," I she replies. "I haven't thought that far ahead. Maybe buy some cats."

"Cats?" I ask. She gives me a look and suddenly I realize what she means. I can't help but laugh. "You're going to become a cat lady? That's your plan? Seriously?"

She shrugs. "I think it's a good plan."

"Okay, you're scaring me," I tell her.

"Oh, be quiet. I'll be okay."

"Yeah," I reply. "Yeah , me too."

xxx

As I pull my car up to Derek's trailer, I am struck by the beauty of my surroundings. The sun is just dipping below the horizon, casting a golden glow on the grass and trees. I always did like it here. Falling asleep in Derek's arms with crickets chirping outside our window. There was something almost poetic about it.

I step out of my car and make my way onto the porch and knock on the door. No one answers so I knock again. Silence. For a second I think he forgot, but then I hear footsteps behind me and turn around to find Derek standing in the grass smiling at me. "I thought you forgot," I say, smiling back.

He shakes his head. "That's impossible."

I step off the porch and he walks towards me. "Hungry?" he asks.

"Starved," I reply. He smiles and takes my hand, leading me away from the trailer towards a field. "Where are we going?" I ask, glancing back at the trailer.

"You'll see," he replies.

We walk through a break in the lines of trees surrounding his house and come out in a large open field overlooking the Seattle skyline. I take in a quick breath at the sight. "This is beautiful," I say softly.

"It is," he says beside me, but when I glance over at him, he's not looking at the breathtaking view before us, he's looking at me.

I feel myself blush slightly and glance at the ground. He gives my hand a squeeze and leads me further into the field. I look forward to where he's leading me and see a blanket laid on the ground, with plates, utensils, and a couple of candles glowing in the dusky light. "Wow," I say softly.

"You like it?" he asks beside me.

I turn my face towards him and smile. "I love it."

xxx

"That was so good," I say, patting my stomach and leaning back on my hands. He smiles at me and crawls around to my side of the blanket, sitting down beside me. I turn my head towards him and smile slightly, before leaning towards him ever so slightly.

He pauses and reaches up, brushing the hair out of my face before pulling me towards him, pressing a kiss to my lips. I melt into him, giving into the emotions that flood through me whenever he touches me. He draws me closer to him, pulling my body into his. I give into his kisses, his touch, the feeling of his breath on my cheek. After a while though, I force myself to pull back.

"I'm not ready," I tell him softly. "I'm not done...fixing myself." The look on his face is almost heartbroken, longing like a dull glow in his eyes. "But I'm trying. The last time...the last time I couldn't give my whole heart to you. And the next time we try this..." I trail off and turn my gaze to the Seattle skyline with its lights blinking above the horizon. "The next time I want to be whole. I don't want to be broken anymore. I want to give my whole heart to you and right now...right now I can't."

He gives a slight nod. "Okay. I understand." I feel my body relax at his words. "I'll wait for you." He smiles slightly and reaches up, stroking my cheek with his thumb. "I'll be here."

"You will?"

"I will."

I lean into him again and press a kiss to his lips, before resting my head against his chest and letting out a breath. "I do love you, you know."

"I know," he replies, his voice soft. "I love you too."

He pulls back slightly and lies down on the grass before pulling my down next to him and gathering me into his arms. "So what do we do?"

"What do you mean?" I ask, turning my face towards him.

"Well, while you're fixing yourself, healing, getting whole whatever you want to call it, what am I allowed to do?"

I laugh. "You can do whatever you want."

"No, I mean with you," he clarifies. "What can I do with you?"

I'm silent for a second and then lift my head and lean forward, kissing him softly on the lips. "We can do this," I say into his lips. He nods slightly and reaches up to cradle the back of my head, drawing me closer, before moving his lips down my throat to my neck.

"How about this?" he murmurs.

I nod wordlessly and move my hands into the curls at the base of his neck, pulling him closer. "How about this?" he says, pulling away slightly and pushing me gently back against the blanket before trailing kisses down my throat and across my chest to the edge of my shirt.

I don't even respond, but he gets the picture and gently rolls on top of me, suspending his weight in his hands before kissing me again. I part my lips slightly and he deepens the kiss, slipping his tongue into my mouth. Suddenly, I flip us over so that I'm on top. He reaches for the snap on my jeans but I stop him. "We can't do that," I say.

He groans softly and I lean down and kiss him. "Sorry."

"Cruel woman," he says.

"Shut up," I tease him. "A good relationship is not based off of sex."

"I would say you thought differently this afternoon," he replies with a smirk.

"I was desperate," I say.

"So you were using me," he says.

I laugh. "Yup. I'm just a dirty, dirty whore," I say.

He chuckles softly and pulls me down for another kiss. I let him and this time the kiss is softer, sweeter, more romantic. I give a little moan in the back of my throat. "How do you do that?" I murmur into his lips.

"What?" he asks, kissing the corner of my mouth and then my cheek.

"Just...that," I say as he finds my lips with his again.

Hep pulls back and gives a shrug. "I guess you could call it an innate talent," he replies, before kissing me again. I consider scolding him about his massive ego, but as he begins to kiss me neck, his lips working their magic, I figure it can wait.

**Okay, I just have to say something about the Grey's finale last Thursday. It totally blew me away!! Please tell me I wasn't the only one who cried...Lol. Thank God Meredith and Derek are together at last!! Seeing them apart was getting to be too stressful. Lol. And they definitely are getting together for good--Shonda and Betsy confirmed in on the podcast. So yay!! I'm so happy. **


	13. Home

"Are you cold?" Derek asks me as we lie together on the blanket, the stars winking in the night sky.

I shake my head and snuggle closer to him, pressing my face into his chest. "I'm fine," I say softly.

He nods and pulls me closer, rubbing my back gently. After a while, I feel my eyes begin to droop as we lay there. Derek glances down at me and smirks. "Tired?"

"No," I reply, but can't seem to open my eyes.

He chuckles softly and presses a kiss to the top of my head. "Liar," he says softly. I lift my head ever so slightly towards him and offer a small smile.

"I'm just so tired," I say softly, tucking my head back under his chin.

"Do you want to head back to the trailer?" he asks, moving his hand up my back and fingering the tips of my hair.

I shake my head. "No," I reply softly, pulling myself closer to him. "We can just stay here...for a while."

"Okay," he says, his voice quiet.

It's moments like these when everything in the world seems perfect. Moments like these when the world seems to slow and stop. When the stars seem to be shining just for us. It's moments like these when I wish that I could stay like this forever.

A sudden breeze blows across the field and I can't help but shiver slightly. Derek's grasp around me tightens immediately. "You're cold," he says.

"I'm fine," I tell him stubbornly.

But he won't have any of it. "Come here," he says softly, pulling away and scooping me up into his arms.

"What're you doing?" I ask sleepily, all the while resting my head against his chest and looping my arms around his neck.

"I'm taking you home," he replies.

I lift my head and look up at him as he makes his through the grass towards his trailer. "Home?" I say softly.

He pauses. "Potentially. Possibly."

I nod. "Okay," I say before tucking my head back under his chin.

He reaches the trailer and steps up onto the porch before gently lowering me to the ground. As my feet touch the ground, I lean into him so that the length of our bodies are touching. I place my hands on his chest and let out a breath. _Why did I say no sex again? I know there was a reason, I just can't think of it right now..._

He smiles slightly and reaches behind him, opening up the door and holding it open for me. I walk inside and the warmth hits me like sunshine on a spring day, washing down the length of my body. I turn and see him watching me. "What?" I say.

He shakes his head. "Nothing."

"I should head back," I say suddenly, shifting on my feet, glancing at the ground, the wall, anywhere but his face.

"You could," he says with a smile. "Or you could stay."

"I could?" I ask, looking up at him.

"Yeah, it'll be fun," he tells me, taking a step towards me. "You could take your clothes off, put on one of my shirts, climb into bed, and sleep."

I smirk at him. "Take my clothes off?"

He nods and raises his eyebrows. "I could help," he offers, moving closer to me.

"Derek..." I say, a warning tone in my voice. He pauses and smiles.

"Okay, I won't help," he says. "But I still think you should stay."

I smile slightly and glance at my feet. "Okay," I say. I look back up at him. "I'll stay."

xxx

"Okay, I'm dressed," I call to Derek who is sitting outside, because I made him, because there really isn't any privacy in this trailer.

He opens the door and steps back inside, but when he looks up at me he freezes. His eyes move from my feet, up my legs to the edge of his shirt, which reaches about mid-thigh, before finally taking in my face. I smile slightly and glance away from him. "Stop it," I say.

"Stop what?" he asks, a smile lighting up his features.

"Stop looking at me like that," I reply.

He shakes his head and walks further into the trailer. "I can't help it," he says, walking towards me until he's close enough for me to kiss. And I am tempted to do just that. Really, really tempted.

"Ready for bed?" he asks, his voice soft.

I swallow. "Yeah," I say.

And then he leans in and kisses me. It's quick, his lips barely brushing mine, but it's enough for me. I take a step back from him, a smile playing on my lips, before turning around and walking towards the bed. I pull back the covers and climb in, letting out a sigh. Derek smiles and walks over, tucking the covers around me, before leaning down and pressing a kiss to my cheek.

"Do you want me to sleep on the couch?" he asks.

I look up at him and smile, closing my eyes. "No, you can stay. I want you to stay. You can keep me warm."

He chuckles softly. "So you're using me again?"

"Like I said," I reply. "Dirty, dirty whore."

He only shakes his head and climbs onto the bed, getting under the covers and lying down behind me. I lean back towards him, resting against his chest and snuggling into the warmth of his inviting arms. He presses his face into the curve of my neck, breathing me in, as if he's trying to be as close to me as possible. I smile slightly. I don't mind. It feels good to be wanted. I feel as he moves his hand to my stomach before placing his hand protectively over the spot where our child lies safely.

"Good night," I breathe.

"Good night," he replies. And with that I let myself drift into sleep.

xxx

I wake up as the morning light slants through the window blinds, bathing the bed in pale light. I feel Derek's arms still wrapped securely around me and smile, relishing in the warmth radiating off his body. "Derek?" I say softly. "Derek? You awake?"

I feel him shift behind me slightly. "You okay?" he says, his grasp around me tightening.

"I'm fine," I say.

"Then why did you wake me up?" he says.

I laugh. "Well there's this thing. It's called work."

He groans behind me and draws me closer to him. "No more work. I hate work. I want more of this." He presses a soft kiss to my neck, his breath warm on my skin. I let out a little breath at the sensation.

"Derek..."

"Hmmm?" he says, his lips still on my neck.

"I uh...I...work," I finish helplessly. He doesn't respond, only moves his hand upwards from my stomach, grazing my breast through the thin shirt. I stifle a moan as he works his magic and finally, desperately, turn in his arms and look up at him. "We have to get up," I tell him.

"Okay," he says, before leaning forward and kissing my lips softly. I press my body against his instinctively, moving my hands into the curls at the base of neck, drawing him closer. He sweeps his tongue across my lips and I part them willingly, allowing him access into the contours of my mouth. "Derek..." I breathe.

"I know," he replies, pulling back slightly. "Work."

"And no sex," I remind him.

He groans and rests his forehead against mine. "Cruel woman."

I laugh at him and press one last kiss to his lips. "Come on," I say, rolling out of bed. "We have to go to work. Be a surgeon. Save lives."

xxx

"You look happy," Dr. Williams observes almost as soon as I walk into her office. I laugh and try to wipe the smile of my face, but I can't. _I'll wait for you. I'll be here. _

"Well they say, you know hormones and stuff...they make you all glowy," I reply.

Dr. Williams smiles. "So it's just hormones?"

I pause, consider lying, but this is therapy so...what's the point? "And Derek," I say, feeling my lips curve into a fresh smile. "I told him I was fixing myself and he said that he would wait for me."

Dr. Williams gives a slight nod. "Well you've come a long way," she says.

"I have?"

"You have," she tells me.

"I have," I repeat, almost to myself. Progress. It feels good.

**So thank you so much for all of the reviews! I love them! And I'm so glad I wasn't the only one who cried. I feel so redeemed. Lol. My brother has basically been teasing me non stop about it, so you guys have definitely made me feel better. I'm not the only freak. Haha. Just kidding. Anyway, hope you guys like the update. When I first started writing this fic, my plan was to make it pretty dark and angsty, but I can't seem to help myself, since Derek and Meredith are all but together having fluffy moments in fields and in beds. Lol. But a little fluff never hurt anyone, right?**


	14. Mistakes and Forgiveness

That night I walk into my house, throw my coat onto the rack and head into the living room before plopping onto the couch with a sigh. Just as I'm reaching for the remote, Alex walks in and sits down next to me. "What are we watching?" he asks.

I shrug. "Haven't gotten that far," I say with a half smile. I turn on the TV and begin flipping through the channels. I stop on a wildly inaccurate medical drama with a smirk. "How about this?" I ask with a smirk.

Alex laughs. "Why not?"

As we watch, the doctors of St. Francis Hospital find themselves in quite a situation: the head of neonatal surgery, while operating on a baby with a heart condition, finds out that his girlfriend fainted in the OR next to his. Distracted, he makes a faulty cut sending the baby into a near-death situation. Then, while scrubbing out, his ex-wife's sister confronts him about the hurt he has caused her sister and slaps him.

"Thank God real hospitals aren't really like this," Alex comments.

I laugh beside him. "We would never get anything done," I say.

Just then, the doorbell rings. I glance away from the TV and get up, walking into the foyer and opening the door. A man, with a huge bouquet of flowers stands before me, looking annoyed. "Are you Meredith Grey?" he asks, peeking through the petals.

"Yeah," I say cautiously.

"These are for you," he says thrusting the flowers at me. I stumble slightly as several of the stems snap backwards into my face.

"Thanks," I say, practically choking on pollen. He turns and walks back to his truck, leaving me, slightly stunned in the foyer. I turn and begin to make my way back into the living room, but as I walk, a card comes loose from the bouquet and flutters to the ground. I bend over and pick it up before continuing into the living room.

"Jesus," Alex says when he sees the bundle of flowers in my arms. "Shepherd?"

I glance up at him. "I assume," I say, with a smile. I put the flowers down and tear open the card. It was simple, just one line:

_When I saw you I fell in love, _

_and you smiled because you knew._

I smile to myself and feel tears come into my eyes, blurring my vision slightly. I wipe them away and look up at Alex who is smirking at me. "What?" he asks.

I shake my head. "Nothing." But it's definitely something.

xxx

"He sent me flowers," I tell Dr. Williams the next day. "No one has ever sent me flowers."

Dr. Williams smiles slightly. "Why do you think that is?"

My smile falters at her question. "Before Derek there was never...They never stayed...They left..."

"They left or you pushed them away?" Dr. Williams says, getting straight to the point.

I look at the floor, knowing that there is more truth in her words than I would like. "I don't think...Before Derek I don't think I ever fell in love," I tell her honestly. She doesn't say anything in return and I pause. "I didn't let myself fall in love. It hurt too much."

"To fall in love?" Dr. Williams asks.

"To be left behind...to be broken," I tell her. "But then Derek came along and despite myself...I fell in love with him." I smile to myself. _Just a guy in a bar. _"I fell in love with him," I repeat my voice soft. "But then he broke me and it hurt so much."

"Have you forgiven him?" Dr. Williams asks.

I look up at the question. Have I? Have I really forgiven him? I never looked at it that way. He has done everything in his power to make himself worthy of forgiveness. He is worthy a thousand times over and yet I never really did forgive his one mistake. I never really let it go. I never really stopped doubting that he would leave.

In the back of my mind, there was always that possibility that he would leave again. I never let myself fall again. I hesitated, I doubted, I held him at arm's length.

"No," I reply. "I didn't."

"Do you think he deserves to be forgiven?" Dr. Williams asks.

I offer a faint smile and nod my head. "Yeah, he does," I tell her. "He really, really does." She looks at me expectantly, but I only shake my head slightly. "But how can I? How can I forgive him for staying with his wife?"

Dr. Williams smiles knowingly. "You're not forgiving him for staying with his wife, you're forgiving him for hurting you."

xxx

I find Derek examining the OR board and walk up to him. He turn towards me, a smile playing on his lips. "Hi," he says.

"Hi," I say. _You're not forgiving him for staying with his wife... _"How are you?" _You're forgiving him for hurting you._

"I'm fine," I reply.

"Did you get my flowers?"

"You mean your embarrassingly large display of pink, leafy things?" I say with a smile. "Yeah I got that."

He smiles and moves closer to me, lowering his lips towards mine, but at the last moment I pull away. "Derek..." I say, stopping him. He pulls back and studies my face. "We need to talk."

He gives a slight nod, his face clouding over with concern. "Okay," he says softly.

We walk into an on call room together. I walk in ahead of him and hear the click of the lock as he closes the door. I turn towards him and cross my arms across my chest. "You hurt me," I tell him softly. "You hurt me when you chose Addison."

I look into his face and am silent for a long time. I take in the worry lines on his forehead, the smile lines along his mouth, the familiar stubble along his jawline. "And I never forgave you," I say softly, seeing pain cloud over his eyes. "I never forgave you for hurting me. I never gave you the benefit of the doubt. I never stopped doubting that you would stay."

I look into his eyes, misty and pleading and feel my heart break slightly in my chest. "You deserve...you deserve to be..." I break off, my words swallowed by my tears. "You deserve to be with someone..."

"Meredith..." he breaks in. "I want to be with you."

"I don't deserve you!" I burst out. "I have made so many mistakes. I have made a ton of mistakes and over and over again you have forgiven me. Over and over again. You made one mistake. One! And I can't let it go!"

He is silent as he studies my face, gauging my emotions. "What can I do?" he finally asks, his voice soft. "What can I do to prove that I'm in this. I'm in this. I can't leave. I don't want to leave."

"I don't," I say. "I don't know." I glance at the floor, shaking my head. "Because you've done everything. You are the perfect guy. You really are. You're the whole package and I'm..." I shuffle my feet and bow my head. "I'm this person who is broken. "

"Don't you get it, Meredith? Don't you get it at all?" he asks, his voice low.

I lift my gaze to meet his, slightly startled. "Get what?"

"You had such a hard life. Your dad left. Your mom was probably one of meanest people in the world. Time after time, the people around you let you down. They left you. They broke you. By all accounts, you shouldn't even be standing." He pauses and smiles slightly at me, lifting his hand to stroke my cheek softly. "And yet...here you are. Standing. You say you don't deserve me, but the way I look at it, I don't deserve you."

Despite myself, I smile through my tears. "Getting to this place was much easier for me than it was for you. I had people encouraging me every step of the way and you had people telling you over and over again that you couldn't do it. But you did. You proved them all wrong." He shakes his head and his face takes on an almost whimsical expression.

"Derek..." I say softly.

"Yeah?" he asks.

"This is going to sound really corny now, but...I forgive you."

He smiles brightly at me and closes the space between us, wrapping his arms around me. I let my heavy head fall on his shoulder and close my eyes. "Thank you," I say.

"You're welcome," he replies and his grasp around me tightens slightly.

**So yeah, happily ever after is totally coming up. Woot! Woot!**


	15. Breathing You In

Before I ran. I ran away from Derek. Now, I don't want to be anywhere without him. Derek sweet-talked Dr. Bailey into putting me on his service so we were literally together twenty-four hours a day. And I don't mind. I don't mind at all.

One day as I'm filling out a chart at a nurse's station, he walks up behind me and places his hands on either side of me on the counter. "Hi," he says, his breath tickling my neck, as he leans close to me.

"Dr. Shepherd," I greet him formally. "What are you doing?"

"Breathing you in," he whispers into my ear.

I close the chart and turn to face him, but as I do he takes a step closer to me so that our faces are only inches apart. I look up into his eyes and try to ignore my heart, which is currently tripping over itself at him being so close. "Dr. Shepherd…" I breathe.

"Yes?" he says, his smile amused.

"I, uh, nothing," I say. We still haven't had sex, because we're "taking it slow", but it is really starting to get to me. Every time I see him all I can think about is ripping off his scrubs, which is making surgery very difficult.

He smiles his beautiful McDreamy smile and tilts his head slightly, taking in me face. "Do you want to come over tonight?" he asks. "I could make dinner."

I smile at him. "I would like that. Actually you have no idea how much I would like that. All I want to do lately is eat. Eat and sleep."

He chuckles softly and his gaze shifts almost lovingly to my stomach. "So it's a date," he says lifting his gaze back to my face.

"It's a date."

xxx

"How do you feel?" Dr. Williams asks me that afternoon.

"What do you mean?" I say.

She leans back in her chair, her eyes never leaving my face. "You confronted Derek about him hurting you. That was a big step."

I smiles slightly. "Yeah, I guess it was."

"So how do you feel?" she repeats.

I shrug. "Fine. Good." I pause and glance at the floor for a second. "I'm not scared anymore," I tell her surprised by the confidence in my voice. "I'm not scared of losing him anymore."

xxx

That night I walk up to his trailer and knock on the door. This time he answers it and ushers me inside with a smile. "No moonlit picnic?" I say, pouting.

He laughs softly, slipping my coat off my shoulders. "Sorry to disappoint."

I smile at him. "You could never disappoint," I say, leaning forward and giving him a chaste kiss on the lips. "Even if you tried."

"Huh, good to know," he says.

I glare at him. "Don't get cocky. With an ego your size you're plenty smug as it is."

He smirks at me and goes over to the stove, stirring something. "It's not smugness, it's confidence."

"Uh-huh," I say. I walk over to the couch and sit down, letting out a sigh. Derek turns towards me, smiling, and leans against the counter. He folds his arms loosely across his chest and tilts his head at me, his eyes shining as he takes me in.

I smile and drop my gaze to the floor, feeling the color rise in my cheeks under his intent gaze. He checks the stove quickly and then comes over to sit next to me. I turn my face towards him. "I'm hungry," I say, trying my hardest to look pathetic.

"Dinner'll be ready soon." He smiles and leans forward kissing me softly on the lips. He begins to pull away after a moment but I move my hand up his chest to the back of his neck and pull him back down, deepening the kiss. He pushes me back gently against the couch and moves up the length of my body until our faces are level.

I look up into his eyes, my chest rising and falling unevenly. He smiles slightly and he leans forward pressing a soft kiss to my lips, the corner of my mouth and then down my neck to the edge of my shirt. I push him over slightly and maneuver on the narrow so that Im lying on top of him, the length of our bodies pressed together.

He reaches up and brushes his thumb across my cheek and then softly, slowly over my lips before pulling me down and kissing me again. I moan softly as he moves his hands up my sides, pulling my shirt with it before moving his fingers over my bare back.

Suddenly, though, I pull away. "Do you smell something?" I ask, sniffing the air. I glance back down at him again and look of complete horror crosses over his face.

"Dinner!" he says. He leaps up off the couch and walks over to the stove. He lifts the lid off of the pan and plume of smoke escapes. "Shit," he mutters under his breath, hastily turning off the burners.

Straightening my shirt and getting up off the bed I walk over to him and peer over his shoulder. "Is it salvageable?" I ask.

"Unless you enjoy eating charcoal, not really," he replies. He lifts the pan and I see what he means. The chicken, or beef, or whatever it was is completely charred. I wrinkle up my nose and wave the smoke away.

He turns away from the stove and faces me, looking guilty. "Sorry about dinner."

"It's okay," I tell him with a smile, moving closer to him. "There is plenty of time to make it up to me."

He smiles and moves his hands to rest gently on my hips. "Really?" he asks, raising his eyebrows.

"Really," I reply with a slight nod. "And I don't just mean tonight. I'm talking forever here."

He chuckles and leans forward, kissing me on the lips. "I am forever in your debt," he says with mock sincerity, but I know he noticed it too.

I said it. I acknowledged it. We are going to spend the rest of our lives together. I never really doubted it. I always knew. But now, I'm not running. I'm not scared. I love him. I always have. And I am talking about forever here.

"So," he says a moment later. "We have two options. Stay here and eat cold cereal or go out."

"Cereal?" I ask, my lips curving into a smile. "That's all you have in this place?"

He pulls away and begins opening various cupboards. "Let's see...I've got some peanuts...a can of kidney beans...and some sesame seeds, but they're past their expiration date."

"I didn't know sesame seeds had an expiration date," I say with a smirk.

"They came with the trailer," he says.

I make a face. "Ew."

"I know," he says, smiling. He walks back over to me and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me into his body. "So, out?"

I nod. "Yeah."

xxx

"This place looks fancy," I say as we pull up in front of a restaurant with some french name.

"It is," Derek says, unbuckling his seat belt. "But you deserve the best."

I shake my head at him. "Shut up," I say.

"What? You do," he says, leaning across the the seat and kissing me. I smile against his lips.

"Well I guess you're right," I say. "And plus, I don't put out unless I get a five star meal."

"Dang," he says, shaking his head. "This one's only four and a half."

I laugh at him and we both open our doors and get out. He walks around to my side and takes my hand, before leaning close and whispering into my ear. "Do you think you can make an exception?"

I shiver uncontrollably as his warm breath hits my neck. "Maybe," I say, looking up at him. "Just for you."

xxx

"Can I get you folks something to drink?" the waiter asks as she arrives at our table. "Would you like me to bring you the wine list?"

I immediately shake my head, but then glance up at Derek. "Do you want some?"

He shakes his head and smiles. "No, I'm fine."

"You're not pregnant," I say, picking up my menu and glancing over the entrees. Derek chuckles and I glance at him over the top of my menu. "Unless you have something to tell me."

Derek shoots me a playful scowl and then turns back to the waitress. "I'll just have water."

"Me too," I say. She nods and walks off. "So you're going to give up scotch for me?" I say. "I'm touched. Truly."

"I never said that," Derek says. "I just wasn't sure if the smell bothered you."

"Yeah," I say with a shrug. "A little."

Derek smiles. "No scotch for me then." I smile at him, shake my head and turn back to the menu.

xxx

After we both finish our dinner, Derek pays and we head towards the door. Derek pushes open the door and holds it for me. I pause under the awning when I see that it is raining. No, not raining, pouring. "It's raining," I comment.

"Really?" Derek says sarcastically, coming to stand beside me under the restaurant awning.

"Shut up," I tell him. "I don't want to get wet."

Derek pauses and peers up at the sky. "I don't think that can really be avoided." I look over at him and he smiles, before reaching down, taking my hand and pulling me into the downpour.

"Derek!" I screech as I feel the rain already begin to soak through my clothes. We arrive at the car and I open the passenger door quickly before leaping inside. Derek jumps in right after me and I look over at him, my eyes narrowed.

He meets my gaze, smiling and dripping. "Evil," I say, shaking my head at him.

"Come on," he says, his smile widening. "That was fun. You have to admit."

I glance down at myself. Every piece of clothing is soaked through. "I'm wet," I tell him and he laughs beside me.

"Really?"

I look up at him and can't help but smile. He leans forward and presses a kiss to my lips. "Let's go home and get you out of these clothes," he says, his voice low.

I shake my head and press another kiss to his lips. "Such a dirty boy."


	16. Thunder Storms

We drive back to Derek's trailer in a comfortable silence. Every once in a while he glances over at me and smiles before turning back to the road. I smile to myself and reach across the seat to take his hand. Shortly after, we arrive at the dirt road leading to his house and he pulls off the main road onto it.

We begin climbing the hill towards his trailer, when suddenly the car starts sliding in the mud. I glance over at Derek as he releases the pedal before pressing it gently again, trying to coax the car forward. But there's no use. It's stuck. He glances over at me. "Guess we'll just have to walk."

I shake my head. "It seems the universe really does not want me stay dry tonight."

He chuckles softly and we both open our doors, stepping out into the rain. Neither of us make a mad dash towards the trailer, though. Instead, we take our time, as if we're taking a stroll in the sunshine. Derek matches his stride to mine and takes my hand as we make our way up the road.

As we walk, hand in hand, with the heavens pouring down on us, I suddenly feel alive. Really _alive. _As if I can do anything. My mind flashes back to that day when I fell into the water. _Like the water had washed everything clean. _But this time, the feeling does not seem fleeting. It feels as if the rain is washing everything away. All the hurt, the guilt, the fear--it's gone. And in it's place is content. Content in the security of the man walking beside me, content in his love, content in this moment, content in the rain.

As we reach the top of the rise and Derek's trailer comes into view, he smiles and glances at me. "Home," he says.

I tug on his hand gently and he pauses, stepping closer to me. I open my mouth to speak, but then decided against it. Instead, I lean forward, placing my hands on his chest and pressing a kiss to his lips. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls my body against his.

I feel as if every nerve ending on my body is alive as I press my body against his, tasting the rain on his lips. "I love you," I breathe in between kisses.

He pulls me closer, deepening the kiss. "I love you, too."

After a while, I step away from him and pull him towards the trailer. He smiles at me through the downpour and follows me. We reach his trailer, step up onto the porch and open the door, tumbling inside.

His hands are on me as soon as the door closes behind us, pulling me closer. I smiles up at him and press a kiss to his lips. He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling my body against his. I rest my head on his shoulder, feeling the cold rain soaking his shirt on my cheek. I feel as he reaches down and grips the edge of my shirt between his fingers, before tugging it upwards slowly. I step away from him and lift my arms over my head as he pulls it over my head, peeling the wet cloth away from my skin.

As the air hits my damp skin, I shiver uncontrollably. He unbuttons his own shirt and slips it off his shoulders before wrapping me up in his arms again. "I'm cold," I say into his chest.

He nods, smiles and pulls away, leading me further into the trailer to the shower. I smile at him as he reaches inside and gets the water running. He turns back to me, grinning and I lean towards him, kissing him on the lips. "Good idea," I say, smiling.

"I'm glad you think so," he murmurs, kissing me again.

I reach down and unbutton his pants, pulling them down off his hips. He leans forward and kisses my parted lips before reaching for the snap on my own pants and tugging them down. I step out of them and back into his arms, resting my head against his shoulder, tucking my arms underneath me. We stand like that for a moment, him holding me, rubbing my back gently, and then he steps backwards, opening the shower door and pulling me in with him. I feel goosebumps rise on my skin as the steaming water hits me and move closer to Derek. He wraps his arms around me and begins kissing my lips, my cheek, my chin, before descending lower, trailing kisses down my neck.

"You know that 'no sex' thing I talked about before?" I say, looping my arms around his neck.

"Yeah," he says, gently pushing me up against the wall of the shower.

"It's stupid," I tell him, wrapping my legs around his waist.

He nods. "I agree."

xxx

In the middle of the night I am awoken by a roll of thunder in the distance. Between the time Derek and I fell asleep and now, the storm got much worse. The rain is coming down in sheets, pelting against the side of the trailer. Every once in a while a flash of lightning lights the trailer with an eery, pale light.

Feeling me stir, Derek wakes up as well. I lean back against his chest as he tightens his grasp around me. "The storm woke me up," I say softly. I feel him smile against my neck. "I never did like thunder storms."

He presses a kiss to my neck, moving the hand that rests on my stomach in soothing circles. "They can be very scary," he says after a moment and I can hear the smile in his voice.

I giggle softly. "Are you mocking me?"

"Maybe," he says.

I turn in his arms and look up into his face. "You're mean."

"No, I'm sorry," he says, smiling. "Don't be scared."

"I'm not scared," I say defensively. "I'm just...jumpy." A sudden clap of thunder drives the point home when I jump slightly in Derek's arms.

He chuckles softly and draws me closer. "Awww," he says, rubbing my back, "you really are scared."

"Jumpy," I specify. "But yes. I am." I rest my head against his chest, feeling his chest rise and fall with each breath.

"I'll protect you." He's teasing me, but I take the comment to heart, closing my eyes, fingering his shirt between my fingers.

We lie in silence for a while, listening to the rain and the thunder as it moves off into the distant. He continues to rub my back, his cheek resting against the top of my head. I suddenly want to tell him everything, explain everything. Why I am the way I am. The memories, the stories. I want him to know me. The feeling is foreign to me. "Hey Derek?" I says quietly.

"Yeah?" he says. I can feel his chin move against my head.

"The day my dad left, my mom got paged to the hospital while I was asleep. In the middle of the night I got woken up by a thunder storm. I ran into my parent's bedroom but they were gone. I was alone." I feel his grip around me tighten as I finish my story and I press my face further into his chest.

"You never did like thunder storms very much," he says softly.

"No," I reply, "I didn't." I lift my head towards him and he offers me a sad smile. I lean forward and he kisses me softly. After a while, I pull away and settle back against his chest, letting myself fall asleep as the thunder recedes into the distance.

xxx

I wake up the next morning, stretch slightly and furrow my brow when I realize Derek isn't in the bed anymore. I flip around to the spot where he usually is before sitting up in the bed. "Derek?" I call out to the empty trailer. I am about to get up when the door opens and Derek walks in.

When he sees that I'm up he smiles and makes his way over to me, dropping a paper bag on the counter and standing at the foot of the bed. "Morning," he says.

"Where did you go?" I ask, frowning.

"Breakfast," he explains. "I figured you didn't want to eat sesame seeds and peanuts for breakfast."

"I'm flexible," I say with a smile.

"Oh yeah," he replies with a chuckle. "How could I forget? Cold grilled cheese and pizza."

"Exactly," I say. "I've never been into traditional breakfast foods."

"I think I blocked it out of my head," he says, smiling.

"You would," I tell him. "Mr. Muesli-healthnut- freak."

"Muesli-healthnut-freak?" Derek says with a smirk. "Nice." He sits down on the edge of the bed and takes off his shoes before scooting backwards and lying down next to me. I smile and flop down next to him. "You hungry?"

"Not terribly," I reply, resting my head against his chest. He only smiles and reaches up, playing with the tips of my hair between his fingers. "Oh my God. I could totally fall asleep again," I say, closing my eyes.

"That's normal," he says softly.

"I know," I say. "I'm just not used to be chronically sleepy. I'm a surgeon. I've mastered the art of staying alert on two hours of sleep." He chuckles and presses a kiss to my forehead. I sigh softly, closing my eyes. "Do you have to get to the hospital?"

"Not for a few more hours," he tells me.

I nod. "Can you stay with me for a little while?"

"Of course," he replies.

I turn in his arms and lean back against his chest, trying to get comfortable. He waits until I settle against him before draping his arm across my stomach and pressing his face into my neck, breathing in deeply. "Thank you," I whisper before slipping into sleep.


	17. More Than I Ever Thought Possible

"Mer? Meredith?"

I let out a groan at Derek's voice. "What?" I say, shifting in his arms slightly so that my back his pressed against his chest.

"We have to get up now," he whispers into my ear.

"No."

"Yes."

"No," I say, keeping my eyes closed in protest. "I can't move."

"I don't believe you," he says, pressing a kiss to my neck. I move my hand which is resting under my head to join his on my stomach, squeezing his fingers lightly.

"I think we should quit out jobs," I tell him. "Quit and sleep. And eat. But that's it."

He lets out a breathy chuckle and presses his forehead into the curve between my neck and my shoulder. "As much as I like that plan, I have a feeling that might get slightly old after about...two days."

"Hmmm," I concede, "maybe you're right. Although, right now, it's hard to picture." I turn in his arms and resettle myself against him, tucking my head under his chin and smoothing my hands across his chest. "I love you," I tell him softly.

I feel his arms tighten around me almost imperceptibly. "I love you too," he says.

After a moment, I move one of my hands from his chest to rest lightly on my stomach. "Can you believe in seven and a half months we're going to have a baby?" I ask him.

"Not really," he replies with a smile.

I glance up at him. "I still have to tell the chief."

He offers me a supportive smile. "You worried?"

I shrug. "Kind of. I don't know. What if he's mad? Or cuts back on my hours?"

"Okay, you know you will have to cut back on your hours," he tells me. I scowl at him, but he only smiles and presses a kiss to my pouting lips. "But why would he be mad?" he asks, pulling back.

"I don't know," I say softly, playing with his shirt between my fingers. "He's always just been...and then my mother...I guess he's always been more of a father than Thatcher really ever was..."

"So he'll be happy," Derek says. "How could he not be? His 'daughter' is having a baby with the most talented, most handsome surgeon on the west coast."

I hit his chest lightly. "You're so full of crap," I tell him, my voice teasing. "But do you really think he'll be happy?" I look up into his face, my expression questioning.

"He will be," Derek tells me.

"Okay," I say softly, shifting closer to him. We lie in silence for a while as he rubs my back gently, his cheek resting on the top of my head. "Hey, Derek?" I ask after a while.

"Yeah?" he replies, glancing at my face as I lift my head to look at him.

"Would you maybe...come with me?" I ask, my voice quiet.

His face immediately softens at me as he bends down to press a reassuring kiss to my lips. "Of course," he says, reaching up to brush my hair out of my face. I smile up at him and he kisses me once more, before pulling back. "We really do have to get up though."

xxx

"You look happy," Christina observes, narrowing her eyes at me as we eat lunch that day.

I shoot her a look and take a bite of my sandwich. "Maybe it's the fact that I can eat this sandwich without projectile vomitting all over you," I say, smiling sarcastically at her.

"Ah-ha!" she exclaims. "So you admit it."

"God, I feel like I'm being interrogated," I say. She only shrugs and I put my sandwich down and focus my attention on Christina. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she lies.

I scowl at her and lean back in my chair. "Don't waste my time. You better tell me what's wrong before I finish this sandwich, because after that, I'm getting up and paging my world renowned neurosurgeon to an on call room." I offer her a half smile and pick up my sandwich again.

"Fine," she says. "I miss Burke. And I have to stop missing him, because I'm going soft. He took my edge! He took my freakin edge! And I need it back. Because good surgeons are not soft. Good surgeons are not all mushy and weepy. Good surgeons have and edge and he seems to have made off with mine."

I put my sandwich back down and study her carefully. "Have you gone to your dark place?"

She shrugs, opens her mouth, closes it, opens it again. "Yeah."

I nod. "Okay."

xxx

I'm sitting on a bed in the on call room when Derek opens the door, closes it behind him. "You paged me to an on call room," he says, smiling.

I glare at him and stand up. "I did..." He reaches out and snakes his arm around my waist, pulling me against him, but I stop him. "But not for that." He frowns.

"Why not?" he asks, frowning.

I can't help but laugh at him. "You know on calls are used for other things beside sex."

"Like what?" he asks indignantly, sticking his hands in his pockets.

I shoot him a glare. "Like sleeping..."

"You paged me here to sleep? Seriously, Mer..."

"Or talking," I say, cutting him off.

He smiles and nods. "Talking, huh?" I nod and he wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me close before pressing a kiss to my lips. I close my eyes and run my hands across his chest as he kisses me again, before bending close to my ear. "But isn't this so much more fun?" he asks teasingly, nibbling on my earlobe gently.

"Derek..." I say with as much protest in my voice as I can muster.

"Hmmm?" he says into my neck.

I manage to gain my bearings for a minute and take a step back. "Talking..." I say. "We're...talking."

He smiles. "Okay," he says. "Fine. Talking."

I sit down on the bed and pull him down next to me. I look over at him and smile when I see the look on his face. Although he may be like most guys in the world in that sex is always there, on his mind, either at the front of his thoughts or somewhere in the back of his mind as a possibility, Derek differs from most guys I know in that sex isn't all he cares about. He doesn't talk and share his feelings just to get in my pants, he talks and shares his feelings because he actually wants to. He would be content to just hold me in his arms and talk for an entire afternoon. I know, because we've done it before.

I lean forward and kiss him softly on the lips, temporarily losing my train of thought. "What was that for?" he asks, his lips curving into a smile.

"Just for being you," I reply, smiling.

He leans forward and kisses me once more before pulling away and looking into my eyes. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"The chief," I say. "Well more specifically, the chief's reaction when I tell him that I'm pregnant with his head of neuro-surgery's baby."

Derek chuckle softly at me. "It'll be fine."

I shoot him a skeptical look. "You keep saying that. How can you be sure?"

He shakes his head. "Because he loves you."

"So?"

"And the people who love you generally are the ones who want you to be happy," Derek says.

"Who ever said I was happy? I'm pregnant with _your _baby," I say, letting out an overly dramatic sigh.

He tries to look offended. "You cut me deep, Mer. You cut me real deep."

I let out a giggle and smile up at him and before I know it, he's kissing me, knocking the breath right out of me. After a moment he pulls back, looks into my eyes and when I don't say anything, he kisses me again, softer this time. He sweeps his tongue across my lips and I part my lips willingly.

He pushes me backwards slowly until I'm lying against the mattress, before lowering himself on top of me. "You are happy, aren't you?" he asks, his gaze soft and loving.

I smile up at him and reach up, running my fingers across his cheek, feeling the stubble against my fingertips. "More than I ever thought possible."

He smiles. "Good." And with that, lies down beside me and pulls me into his arms, pressing his face into my hair and taking a deep breath. "So when is our meeting with the chief?" he asks after a while.

I lift my arm from where it's resting against his chest and look at my watch. I sit up abruptly when I see the time. "Now," I say.


	18. I'm Sure

Derek and I open the door of the on call room and walk down the hall quickly to the elevator. We step on and I press the button for the surgical floor. I feel Derek's eyes on me as he stands beside me and I don't have to look at him to know that he's worried. "Why are you so nervous?" he finally asks, his voice quiet.

I drop my gaze to the floor and shift on my feet. "I don't know." He doesn't say anything and in the silence I lift my gaze to his face. "I don't know."

He half smiles at me and reaches over to squeeze my hand gently. "It'll be fine," he says.

The doors open before us and we step into the hall, walking in the direction of the chief's office. As we reach the edge of the bridge, connecting the east and west surgical wings I pause again. I feel hesitant and I don't even know why. I turn to Derek and open my mouth, but don't say anything. He smiles, takes a step closer to me and wraps his arm around my waist before kissing me softly. "It'll be fine."

I nod and smile slightly. "Right. Okay." He gives a slight nod and we walk across the bride hand in hand.

We reach the chief's office and I knock on the door. "Come in!" he calls from inside.

I open the door and step in. He smiles at me and removes his glasses, placing them on the table, but furrows his brow when he sees Derek follow me. "Derek," he says, his tone questioning.

"Oh he's just here...I brought him because..." I stumble, glancing at the ground. "I just wanted to uh..." I look at Derek for help.

"We actually both have something to talk to you about," Derek says.

"Together?" the chief asks.

I nod. "Together," I reply, glancing at Derek with a small smile.

The chief nods and motions for us to sit down. We both take a seat and I glance down at my hands, folded in my lap. I feel Derek shift in his seat and glance at me, waiting for me to begin. "I, uh..." I begin, looking up at the chief, his worried eyes, his furrowed brow. "I'm, uh...I'm pregnant." The chief freezes, his mouth agape. I glance at Derek, then back at the chief. "Chief?" I say, my voice soft.

At my voice he seems to snap out of his trance and lean back in his chair. He shifts his gaze from my face to the window, staring at the people milling past outside his office. "I promised your mother I would look after you."

He was silent for so long that I jump slightly at his voice. He turns towards me. His expression is serious, but his eyes are smiling. "So. Are you okay?" he asks.

I let out a breath and glance at Derek. "Yes," I say. "I'm okay." I smile. "I'm happy."

The chief nods and smiles slightly. "Okay, then," he says, picking up his glasses and putting them back on his face. "Congratulations."

I smile and Derek and I stand up to leave. We move towards the door, but at the last second, the chief calls out to Derek. "Derek, I need to discuss something with you while you're here."

Derek glances back at me and without even thinking about it, I step forward and press a kiss to his lips. "I'll find you when I'm done here."

I smile and nod, before exiting the office and walking down the hall.

xxx

"I told the chief," I say to Christina as we lie on bunk beds in an on call room. "I told the chief I'm pregnant."

"You did?" Christina asks above me.

"Yeah."

"How did he take it?"

"Okay. Fine, I guess," I reply, staring at the bottom of the top bunk.

"Your enthusiasm is staggering," Christina says dryly.

I laugh. "Shut up. It was...I don't know."

I hear Christina shift on the bunk above me and sigh. "How did he act?"

I shrug and realize after the fact that Christina can't see me, so body gestures really are pointless. "He was..." I trail off, picturing the chief, his expression filled with concern._ I promised your mother I would look after you. _"Protective," I finish.

"Protective?" Christina says and I can just picture her scowling.

"Yeah," I tell her. "He was all 'I'll look after you' and 'are you okay?'"

Christina scoffs, letting out a little breath of air. "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

xxx

I awake to Derek kissing me on the neck, which, all things considered, is a pretty great way to wake up. I open my eyes and look around groggily, before focusing on Derek's intent blue gaze. "Hi," he says, his lips curving into a smile.

"Hi," I say, rubbing my eyes. "What took you so long?"

"I got paged into surgery," he says.

I nod and move over on the bed to make room for him. He smiles and climbs onto the bed, lying down beside me. "I missed you," I tell him settling against him so that my back is pressed to his chest.

He chuckles softly. "I wasn't gone _that _long."

I sigh dramatically. "It felt like a lifetime."

He smiles and kisses the curve of my neck. "I'm very sorry."

"You better be," I say, feelings my eyes begin to droop again. "What did the chief talk to you about?"

"Nothing important," Derek replies. I nod and he pulls me closer, placing his hand on my stomach as has become his habit now whenever we go to sleep. The familiar touch feels warm and protective and I smile slightly before falling back into sleep easily.

xxx

Both Derek and I jolt awake when his cell phone begins ringing. I moan and press my face into the pillow. "Answer it," I groan.

"Sorry," Derek mumbles, rolling off the bed and answering the phone. "Hello?" he says, his voice thick with sleep. "Mom? Yeah, you kind of caught me at a bad time..."

I smile into the pillow. Apparently, holding me while I sleep takes priority over talking to his mom. "What?" Derek says. "Mom, I can't ask her to do that...Mom, no. It's too soon..." I am just lifting myself up to look at his face to see if he's talking about me when Christina's voice interjects from the top bunk.

"Shut up," she says. "Take your phone call outside, McDreamy. I'm trying to sleep here."

I can't help but smile as Derek shoots her a look and walks out into the hall. "You're so mean," I comment.

"He was annoying me," Christina returns.

"That's not very hard."

"Shut up."

xxx

Derek walks back into the on call room a few minutes later, looking guilty. I immediately sit up when I see his face. "What?" I ask.

He opens his mouth to speak, decides against it and sits down on the bed facing me. "Derek," I say, "what is it?"

"My mother."

"Your mother?"

"Yeah." I look at him, expecting more of an explanation. "My mother wants me to go to her house for her birthday."

I shrug and tilt my head at him. "So?"

He glances at the floor then back up at my face. "She wants me to bring you."

I freeze immediately. "What?"

"She wants me to..."

"No...I...I heard you...I just..." I reach for him and he wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me against his side.

"Mer," he says, his voice soft. "You don't have to come if you don't want to."

"I don't?" I ask, looking up into his face.

"No," he tells me. "You don't. Meeting the family can be tough in general, but my family...well...they tend to be a tad...overwhelming."

"Oh thanks, Derek. That's really encouraging," I say sarcastically.

He smiles at me, tightening his grip around me. "But if you do want to come, you know, I'll be there. The whole time."

"You won't let them _overwhelm _me?" I ask, a smile playing across my lips.

"Of course not," he says. "I'll protect you." He puffs out his chest a little and I laugh hitting his chest softly.

"Okay."

"Okay, what?"

"Okay, I'll go," I tell him softly.

He smiles brightly at me and leans over kissing me softly on the lips. After a minute he pulls back, his expression soft. "You sure about this?"

"I'm sure."

**In the last fic I wrote I had a dinner with Meredith's family, so for this story I really wanted to have a fun, I'll be it cliche, dinner with Derek's family. It should be a blast: four sisters, four brothers-in-law, nine nieces, five nephews, and one mother. Muahahaha! **


	19. Even Then

I walk into Dr. Williams' office without knocking, and lean back against the door taking a deep breath and closing my eyes. "You okay?" she asks and I hear her put down her pen and turn towards me in her chair.

I open my eyes and look at her. "Derek's mother invited Derek and I up to her house for her birthday and I said I would go even though he told me I didn't have to, because I'm trying to be open and I think I'm doing well so far, but you know now I'm kind of, well, freaking out basically because he has like four sisters and they don't know I'm pregnant and what if I freak out and what he freaks out and what if I ruin this?"

Dr. Williams doesn't even blink an eye at my rant. She's used to it. "Meredith," she says. I feel shaky and sweaty. I'm sweating. A lot. And I think I might start hyperventilating. "Meredith. Meredith, look at me." I look at her.

"I think I need to sit down," I mumble.

"Okay," Dr. Williams says. I walk on trembling legs to the couch and sit down. "Feel better?"

I consider the question. "No."

"Okay. Let's look at this objectively," she says, getting up from her desk and sitting down in the chair facing me. "How bad could it be? They love Derek, Derek loves you, so they will open to loving you too."

"Yeah except for the fact that, in their eyes, I'm the reason Derek's marriage of ten years broke up," I say.

Dr. Williams leans back in her chair. "But you're not the reason. Derek knows it and you know it."

"So? They'll still hate me."

"Meredith," she says seriously. "If you go in, all defensive, expecting them to hate you, then they will."

"I just..." I trail off, my gaze falling on the oh-so familiar ficus. "Derek isn't like me. He didn't have the childhood I did. He loves his family. They are big part of his life. If they hate me then...then he might..." I break off, swallowing the tears in my throat. "If it came down to me or his family...Derek would pick his family." I smile slightly, my eyes misty. "I would hope he would. That's the kind of guy he is."

"Exactly," Dr. Williams says. I look up at her, confused. "You just said it yourself. He would pick his family. And aren't you his family, Meredith?"

"Well...I mean..."

"When you have that baby, that baby will be a part of his family and so will you. I've never met Derek, but from what you tell me, I don't think you need to worry about him leaving you, just because his family is a little fussy. I think the worst thing you have to worry about is a couple of awkward dinner conversations."

I smile. "I guess you're right."

"You guess?" Dr. Williams asks.

"I know." Dr. Williams nods. "But...I don't...do I have to tell them I'm pregnant?"

Dr. Williams smiles. "If you don't want to, then don't. But I have a feeling it is going to come out eventually. A mother always knows."

I laugh. "Yeah...yeah, you're probably right."

xxx

That night I pull up to Derek's trailer and see Derek, Mark, the chief and Dr. Hahn sitting on his porch playing cards. I smile to myself and step out of my car, walking towards them. Derek, who stood up the second I pulled up, steps off the porch and walks towards me. As soon as I reach him, he reaches out and wraps his arm my waist, pulling me close. "Party?" I say, smiling up at him.

He rolls his eyes as if to say, _Don't even get me started. _"Gentlemen's evening," he says.

I frown. "What's that?"

"Exactly," he says. "It was the chief's idea. 'Men being men' I think were his exact words."

I glance over his shoulder. "Men being men, huh? What about Dr. Hahn?"

Derek shrugs. "I don't even know. She showed up and I didn't ask any questions."

I smile up at him. "Good idea."

"Wanna join us? We're playing Black Jack. You can be my good luck charm."

"Good, because I have no idea how to play," I say as we make our way up to the porch.

"Seriously?" Derek asks.

"Don't look at me like that," I tell him. "Just because I've spent most of my life in a bar drinking tequila doesn't mean I automatically know how to play Texas hold 'em."

Derek chuckles. "That's actually poker, but I get your point."

We step up onto the porch and Mark smiles up at me. "My favorite dirty mistress."

I shake my head at him. "You have to stop calling me that. I'm not a mistress anymore."

"Maybe not in reality, but you'll always be one at heart," he tells me with a wink.

"Dr. Grey," Dr. Hahn acknowledges. "Nice to see you. We were in need of more estrogen."

"Glad to be of service," I say.

"Pull up a chair," the chief says.

I move to pull one up to the little table when Derek tugs on my hand. I turn to him and look at him questioningly. He only smiles and pulls me onto his lap. I let out a little giggle at him as he wraps his arm around me.

"God, you guys are nauseating," Mark comments, sipping his beer.

"I guess the rumors are true," Dr. Hahn comments. "I heard tell of the Meredith/Derek legend practically as soon as I stepped into Seattle Grace."

"We're not a legend," I say.

"You kind of are," Mark comments. "But the nurses do tend to exaggerate. I mean you guys didn't really have sex in an exam room at prom, did you?"

Derek practically chokes on his beer. "How...how did you...hear about that?" Derek asks.

"So it's true?" Mark says with a smug smile. "Wow."

"I think I'm going to get another beer," the chief says, clearly uncomfortable.

"You guys had a prom?" Hahn asks.

"Yeah," I say. "It's a long story."

"Whatever," she says. "Can we get back to the game?"

"Yes," Derek says. "Good idea." I giggle softly as he picks up his cards. "What are you laughing at?" he asks softly so only I can hear.

I smile at him. "Are we really the stuff of legends?"

He smiles back. "I like to think so." I laugh at him and press a quick kiss to his lips. Almost immediately, his eyes darken with desire. I begin to lean towards him slightly as his grip around my waist tightens. Our lips are only inches apart when--

"Derek? Derek!"

Derek snaps his head around in Mark's direction. "Do you want another card?" he asks.

Derek glances at his cards then back at my face. "I fold," he says, placing his cards on the table. "Want to go for a walk?" he asks me.

I smile and nod. We both stand up and step off the porch. As we're walking away the chief comes back out of the trailer. "Where are they going?" I hear him ask.

"Walk," Mark says. There's a pause and then: "Bet you twenty bucks they're going to go do up against a tree."

I smile to myself as we walk out of earshot onto one of the many trails weaving through the woods surrounding Derek's trailer. Derek reaches for my hand as we walk, his fingers intertwining with mine. "You know when you folded?" I ask.

"Yeah," Derek says.

"You had twenty one didn't you," I say.

He stops walking and I turn to face him. "I thought you didn't know how to play?"

"I don't really," I say. "I just hear that having twenty one is kind of a big deal in the world of Black Jack."

He smiles at me and pulls me closer. "It is."

"Well then why did you fold?" I ask, my lips curving into a smile.

"So that I could do this," he replies, lowering his lips to mine. I tilt my head towards him, deepening the kiss.

"Mmmm," I say as we pull away. "That's a good reason."

"I thought so," he says with a smile. He reaches for my hand again and we continue down the path.

"So when are we going to your mom's?" I ask after a minute.

"Tomorrow," he says. I nod, keeping my gaze fixed ahead of us. Out of the corner of my eye and can see Derek looking at me, trying to gauge my emotions. "Meredith, are you still okay with this?"

I smile slightly and drop my gaze to the ground. "I am," I say softly. I look up into his eyes and I see his face soften when he realizes I mean it. "I kind of was freaking out at first, but I know this is something I have to do. Your family is important to you."

Derek gives my hand a squeeze. "They are, but I would understand if you wanted to wait."

"You would, wouldn't you?" I say softly.

"I would," he tells me and I believe him. But even so, there's still something bothering me. _What if they don't like me?_ My brain knows that Derek wouldn't leave me just because his family doesn't warm to me immediately, but in my heart there's still that familiar urge to run, to avoid, to not take the chance.

"Hey, Derek?" I ask, pulling him to a stop. He turns towards me, stepping close. "What if they don't like me?"

"They'll love you," he says immediately.

"Yeah but if they don't...If they don't, would you ever...leave me?" I could barely get the words out and now don't look into his face, opting for the ground.

"Oh, Meredith," he says and I can here the genuine affection in his voice. "You're not getting rid of me that easily."

I look up at him. "Really?"

"Really."

"Even if they threaten to disown you if you continue seeing me?"

"Even then."

"Okay," I say. He smiles at me and I soon find myself smiling as well as is usually the case. Then he wraps his arms around my waist, holding me to him firmly and presses a kiss to my forehead. I lean into him, folding my arms under me, letting him support me. He rubs my back and kisses my hair as I relax into him, feeling my muscles go slack under his touch.

"I love you," he says into my hair.

I close my eyes at his words a smile playing on my lips. "I love you too."

**Thank you for all of your reviews! You have no idea how much it helps to hear what you think. So keep it up!! :-) The next chapter will be their arrival at the Shepherd household. **


	20. Meet the Parents

**So this chapter is the arrival at the Shepherd household. I'm not exactly sure where I'm having them live in this story, but I didn't want to deal with planes, so I'm just having them live two hours away from Seattle in an unspecified direction. Lol.**

Meeting the parents. It's a right of passage for anyone set on a long term relationship. Unless the person you love is an orphan or is a Jehovah's Witness and the very act of marrying you means they are banished from their community forever. But Derek is not a Jehovah's Witness or an orphan. Sometimes I wish he was.

The last time I met the parents of a guy I was dating was in college. We were having sex on his bed on the last day of school and his parents barged in with boxes and packing tape all ready to "pack up". I don't even know if they caught my name between the "Oh shit, where's my bra?" and the "Fuck, I totally had panties when I walked in here".

I sincerely hope this meeting of the parents goes better. For Derek's sake, but for mine too: I never did see those panties again.

"Hey, Derek?"

"Hmmm?"

"What if they hate me?"

I feel him let out a breath against my neck. "They won't."

"Okay." I'm silent for a minute. "Hey, Derek?"

"What?"

"Do you talk to your mom?"

I feel him pull back from me slightly, his hand which was lying on my stomach slides back to rest on my hip. "What?" he says after a pause.

"I mean how much of the Meredith/Derek legend does she know?"

I hear him sigh behind me and it's muffled in his hand. "Meredith. This is like the sixteenth question you've asked me tonight. They'll love you. End of Story."

I sigh and tuck my hand under my head as I resettled against the pillows. He lies back down behind me and wraps his arm around my stomach, pulling me back against him. The familiarity of his touch soothes me slightly, but there is no way I'm going to sleep.

Derek loves his mom. He talks to her at least once a week. Maybe not out of choice, but he does. This means he probably tells her things. About his life. And I am a part of his life. It's not like I'm bragging or anything, because me being a part of his life was not always a positive thing. And that is what I'm worried about.

Mothers, mine, of course, being the exception, are very protective beings. So if Derek's mother knew about half the crap I put Derek through, the drowning, the running, the all around commitment issues, she would probably be a little protective and a little annoyed at the person who was responsible. That person being me. Derek probably explained the reasons: daddy issues, mommy issues, abandonment issues. But mothers tend to hear what they want to hear. And her first introduction of me was as the "lusty intern". Great first impression. Almost as good the panty fiasco.

"Hey, Derek?"

"Hmmm?"

I pause. I can tell he's almost asleep. "Nothing."

"Okay."

I turn in his arms and he opens his eyes a little at me, before pressing a soft, lazy kiss to my lips. "You okay?" he asks.

"Yeah," I say, resting my head against his chest. "Fine."

xxx

On the drive over to the Shepherd household, I remain mostly quiet. I know Derek is worried, perhaps feeling guilty for dragging me into this, but I can't bring myself to do the chatting and ranting that I usually enjoy so much with Derek. I simply stare out the window, fiddling with my watch nervously, trying to convince myself that this dinner won't be a complete disaster.

"Meredith?" Derek asks after a while, glancing at me. "Meredith?"

"Yeah?" I say, not shifting my gaze from the scenery blurring past us.

"Are you sure you're fine?" he says, his voice laced with concern.

I glance at him for a split second. "I'm fine, Derek."

"You know I'm not going to buy that," he tells me.

I shake my head slightly, flipping my watch around my wrist. "I'm just really nervous, okay?" I know there's an edge to my voice, but I can't help it. I get mean when I'm scared. Defense mechanism or whatever.

"Mer, I understand. It's totally normal to be nervous," he says, his voice soft.

"Yeah, I know, but..." I trail off, looking back out the window.

Derek is quiet for a minute, his eyes on the road. After a while, he reaches over and takes a hold of my hand, which is resting in my lap. "What is it?"

"How much does she know?" I ask finally.

"About us?" Derek asks, not letting go of my hand.

I nod. "Yeah, about us. The legend."

He looks over at me and gives a slight shrug. "I tell my mom a lot."

I nod. "So...during that part when I was..." I trail off, and glance at our hands: his larger one, wrapped protectively around my smaller one, our fingers loosely intertwined. "During all the parts when I was running? When I was hurting you?"

Derek gives a small smile, his expression a little sad. "She knows our story, Mer, I'm not going to lie."

"So she knows how...horrible I was?" I ask, feeling tears fill my eyes.

"She knows that you were scared."

"Derek..." I say, reaching up with my free hand to swipe the tears out of the corners of my eyes. "She's going to hate me."

"No. She won't," Derek says, almost sternly. "Because I also told her how kind you are, how generous, how beautiful..." He pauses and looks at me, smiling brightly. "And how much I love you." He squeezes my hand, running his thumb across my fingers. "Do you believe me now?"

I give him a watery smile. "Maybe."

xxx

Derek turns the car into a driveway and turns it off, but doesn't get out and neither do I. Instead, he unbuckles his seat belt and turns towards me. "You ready?" he asks.

I nod, even though my heart is racing. "Yeah."

"You're voice is shaking," he observes, tilting his head at me with a smile.

"I can't help it," I say softly. I close my eyes for a second, before opening them and focusing on his face. "Let's get this over with."

He nods. "All right."

We both open our doors and step out of the car, we begin making our way up to the house, but half way there, I chicken out. I feel my steps slow until coming to a complete halt. Derek turns and looks at me. "What is it?" he asks, coming to stand in front of me.

"Kiss me," I say softly. I feel stupid saying it, but for some reason I need to feel that connection, that love from him before continuing.

He smiles at me in a way that lets me know he understands and wraps his arms around my waist, gently coaxing me into his arms so that our bodies are pressed together. Then, with one hand, he reaches up and cradles the back of my head, tilting my mouth towards him before kissing me softly. I immediately feel that inane peace wash over me as he moves his lips against mine. He pulls back and looks into my eyes. "Feel better?" he asks.

"Much," I tell him. He leans forward and presses one last kiss to my lips, upturned in a half smile.

We make our way up the rest of the path leading to the front steps before walking up onto the little patio outside the front door. With one last glance at me, Derek rings the doorbell. A few seconds later, the door opens. I recognize Derek's mother immediately from pictures I've seen and force a smile onto my face.

"Derek!" she exclaims, pulling him into a hug. He has to stoop a little to wrap his arms around her.

"Happy Birthday, mom," he says, before pulling away and glancing over at me with a smile. "This is Meredith."

Mrs. Shepherd smiles at me and there is a genuine warmth in her face. "Of course it is," she says, extending her hand. "I'm so glad you could make it."

"It's so nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Shepherd," I say, taking her outstretched hand.

She makes a little face, waving her hand. "Call me Carol."

I smile. "Carol."

She looks between Derek and I for a minute before clapping her hands together. "Well," she says. "Come in, come in. Everyone is in the living room."

We step further into the foyer at her request and take off our jackets. As Derek pulls mine off my shoulders, I glance around the house. Directly in front of us is a hallway, lined with school pictures. On one side of the hallway is the staircase, leasing to the upstairs bedrooms. To my right is a doorway leading into what looks like the dining room and to my left is a doorway leading into what looks like an office or study.

After Derek had hung up both of our jackets, Carol leads us down the hallway. She walks through a wide doorway at the end of the hallway and we follow her inside. I feel my mouth go dry as I feel the whole room shift in our direction. People are perched on almost every surface it seems.

I'm grateful when Derek wraps his arm around my waist as we stand there. I lean into him, feeling slightly overwhelmed. Now everyone is standing up and greeting us, all smiles. Three women who I assume are his sisters come up to me.

"Hi," one says. "I'm Anna, Derek's baby sister."

"I'm Sarah," the next says, "another sister."

"And I'm Susan," the third says. "So you must be the famous Meredith."

I immediately feel my face go pale. "Famous?"

They laugh good-naturedly at my expression. "Oh don't be worried," Anna says, smiling at me. "We've heard nothing but good things."

I hear someone scoff behind me and turn, coming face to face with Nancy. I force myself to continue smiling even though I feel a certain amount of dread sweep over me at her icy expression. Derek turns beside me as well. "Nancy," he says and his tone is wary.

"Derek," she says, stepping forward and giving him a hug. "It's so nice to see you." I wait for the forced greeting, the barely concealed contempt, but it never comes. Instead she simply glances at me, turns, and walks back to the couch, sitting down.

Derek is just turning to say something to me when I hear a couple shrieks of "Uncle Derek!" and suddenly a swarm of children encircles us, gripping Derek's legs and shirt and free hand.

Derek smiles down at them. "What's up?" he says by way of greeting.

"I caught a frog!" one little boy announces.

Derek opens his mouth in exaggerated shock. "Really?" he bends down and picks up the little boy in his arms. He leans close until the tip of his nose is touching the tip of the boy's nose. "That's amazing." The boy let's out an adorable little giggle and wiggles in Derek's arms. Derek puts him back on the ground and focuses his attention on one of his nieces who is telling him how she climbed a tree all the way to the "tippy-tippy top".

I step back slightly and watch him interact with all of his nieces and nephews, picking each one up one at a time and listening intently to what they have to say as if it's the most interesting thing in the world.

"He's great with them," someone says beside me. I turn and see Susan standing beside me, watching Derek play with the kids as well.

I smile brightly, I can't help it. "Yeah, he really is."

"He's always loved kids," Susan continues. "We were all surprised when he and Addison never had any." I nod, finding myself at a loss for words. She glances at me. "Do you want to have kids someday?"

I know she's just making conversation, but the topic definitely strikes close to home. "Yeah, I um..." I shake my head, in an attempt to clear it. "I've...we've thought about it."

Susan nods. "He would make a great father."

Without even thinking, I bring a hand to my stomach. It's become almost a habit, like a maternal instinct that I'm not even aware of. Almost immediately, I drop my hand back to my side, but I know Susan noticed. She is just opening her mouth and I can almost see the question forming on her lips, but just then, Carol comes in, announcing dinner.

I walk away quickly, towards Derek, praying she won't say anything. Derek smiles at me as soon as he sees me and takes my hand. "You met my sisters?"

I nod, and try to swallow the lump in my throat. "Yeah," I say. "They're great."

**It took me longer to write this, because I wanted to get it right, but I think I'm happy with how it turned out. At first the Nancy/Meredith drama was much more, well...dramatic, but I changed it to make it a little less like a soap opera. Lol. Hope ya'll liked it!! PLEASE REVIEW!! **


	21. Fat and Happy

I walk into the dining, gripping Derek's hand maybe a little too tightly. He glances over at me. "You okay?"

I glance up at him. "Can we talk? Alone?"

He furrows his brow, but nods, leading me away from the increasingly crowded table. We walk down the hallway until the voices coming from the dining room fade. "What's wrong?" he asks, releasing my hand and standing in front of me.

"Susan knows," I tell him and I can hear the panic in my own voice.

"That you're pregnant?" he asks, leaning towards me slightly, his voice hushed. I nod. He shakes his head a little. "How?"

"I was watching you play with the kids and Susan was saying how you would be a great father and I did that thing..." I trail, looking for the right way to explain it.

"What thing?" he asks.

"The thing when I put a hand on my stomach in that mushy maternal way."

His face softens, his lips curving into a smile. "I love it when you do that."

I roll my eyes at him. "That's not the point. The point is your sister knows."

Derek smiles and leans forward kissing me quickly. "They were going to find out anyway," he reasons, stroking my cheek with his thumb.

"I know...it's just--"

"Derek? Where did you--" Carol suddenly appears in the hallway and spots us. She walks towards us, but when she sees the expressions on our faces, her brow furrows in concern. "Is everything alright?"

Derek smiles and reaches down, taking my hand. "Yeah, everything's fine."

"Oh, well, we're serving dinner, so..."

"We're coming," he says. As we follow her down the hall Derek turns his head towards me. "It'll be fine," he whispers close to my ear.

I nod wordlessly at him, choosing to trust him. We walk into the dining room and take seats next to each other on one side of the table. His four sisters are sitting across from us, but they are separated by empty seats between each other. "Who's sitting there?" I ask, motioning to the empty seats.

"Our husbands," Anna says with a smile.

"Oh," I say. "Where are they now?"

"Cooking," Sarah explains.

I raise my eyebrows. "You mean...they're making dinner?"

Sarah laughs softly and smiles. "Yup."

"Wow," I say, impressed.

"My husband is a chef and he's been teaching the other three guys whenever we get together," Susan says. "This is kind of the culmination of everything they've learned."

I laugh, but my mind is not focused on the conversation. I'm more concerned with how I'm supposed to tell Derek's whole family that I'm pregnant. I mean who's to say how they will all react when they hear that the lusty intern got herself knocked up. They might not even think it's Derek's. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about that conversation, which really isn't helping matters, especially since I have a hint of morning sickness.

Just then the chefs parade into the dining room, each carrying a platter. They all set them down on the table amidst wild applause, before taking low bows. Then, with a good natured smile, they take off their aprons and sit down. Everyone begins to dig in, the platters quickly making the rounds around the table.

"Wine, Meredith?"

I look up to see Susan holding out a bottle towards me. I freeze mid-bite debating on whether or not I should take it. "Water is fine for me," I say after a minute.

Susan raises her eyebrows at me, but doesn't say anything, placing the wine back on the table. I hold her gaze for a second silently begging her not to bring up the topic. To my surprise, she gives a slight nod and goes back to eating. I breathe a sigh of relief and am just about to take another bite when I hear a voice across the table.

"So, Meredith, aren't you going to share the big news?"

I turn my head abruptly towards Nancy who is staring at me meanly. "Wh-what...news?" I stumble, hearing as everyone around the table falls silent.

"You want me to tell everyone?" she says, her tone icy. "No, no, I wouldn't want to steal your thunder."

"Leave her alone, Nancy," Susan says. Nancy shoots her a glare, before shifting her gaze back to my face. "Meredith?"

"Oh, now what is going on down there?" Carol says. "What're you girls quibbling about?"

I tear my gaze away from Nancy and look over at Derek, who seems just as bewildered as me. _How does she know?_ "I, uh..." I begin, my throat dry.

"Go on," Nancy says. "We're all just dying to hear."

"Dying to hear what?" Carol asks, giving me a curious look.

"I'm..." I glance down at the table, feeling tears spring into my eyes. I'm just about to get up and simply leave. That old urge to run is so familiar and so tempting. But then Derek reaches under the table and gives my hand a squeeze. I smile slightly as he envelopes my hand in his and lift my gaze back to Carol's face. "I'm pregnant," I say levelly, giving a slight nod.

The whole table falls silent and I drop my gaze to my plate. I tighten my grip on Derek's hand as the silence stretches out, longer and longer until I can barely bare it anymore. I feel Derek's gaze on me, but can't seem to tear my eyes away from my plate.

"That's fantastic." It's Susan's voice and I glance up to find her smiling at me. I then look from her over to Anna who is grinning as well and finally to Sarah who looks as if she's going to cry. I smile gratefully at them and feel as Derek leans over, giving me a kiss on the cheek. I turn my face towards him, beaming, and he kisses my lips.

"I'm going to be a grandmother!" Carol exclaims. "Again!"

I laugh out loud, feeling relief well up in me. Everyone has stood up at this point, walking over to Derek and me. Derek seems to be in his element as the guys clap him on the back, congratulating him heartily. As his sisters approach me a strange thought crosses my mind: _this is what having a family feels like._

The thought startles me and only propels the tears that have been threatening to fall, perched just behind my eyelids. As they begin to fall, I turn back to Derek and he wraps his arms around me, pulling me close and pressing a kiss to the top of my head. "I love you," he says, bent close to my ear.

"I love you too," I say, pulling away and turning back to his family. But just as Carol is approaching me, a smile lighting up her face, I catch sight of Nancy, still in her seat, her eyes down cast downwards towards her half-eaten meal.

xxx

After dinner and after the kids were put to bed upstairs, I volunteer to help Susan, Anna and Sarah with the dishes. Nancy seemed to disappear after dinner, but I still can't get that look of complete defeat, of utter sadness out of my head. I found myself feeling sorry for her. It was strange. She was the one who had dubbed me the lusty intern. How could I feel sorry for her? And yet, I did. I blamed it on the hormones. I was going soft.

As I walk into the kitchen, Sarah tosses me a towel. I catch it and come to stand beside her by the counter, waiting for Anna and Susan to pass us the first wet dishes. "So," Anna begins, "how far along are you?"

I smile to myself, happy to talk about the baby. It's a safe topic. "Uh, like a month and a half, almost two."

"So you're at the constantly tired, constantly nauseous stage," Susan says.

I laugh. "Exactly."

"It gets better," Sarah says beside me, offering a smile. "I swear."

"You become fat and happy," Anna says. "It's fantastic."

"Ugh," I say, as I begin to dry a platter. "How can that be fantastic?"

"Trust us," Susan says. "It really is."

"I still can't really believe it," I admit, focusing intently on the plate that I'm currently drying.

"Yeah, you get over that," Anna tells. "Especially when you lose sight of your feet."

"Definitely," Susan agrees with a laugh. "That's really when it becomes real."

Just then, the kitchen door opens and Derek sticks his head in. "Hey, could I steal Meredith for a second?"

"I don't know," I say. "Think you guys can spare me?"

"I think we can handle it," Susan says.

I laugh and put down my towel, walking across the kitchen towards Derek. He smiles down at me and takes my hand, leading me into the hallway. "What's up?" I ask, wiping my slightly damp hands on my jeans.

"My mom invited us to stay the night," he tells me, but before I can say anything he goes on. "But we don't have to. It's totally up to you."

I shake my head at his concern and step closer to him, resting my hands, palm out on his chest. "We can stay," I say softly.

He raises his eyebrows at me. "Really?" he says, resting his hands on my hips.

I nod. "Really. You're family is nice."

"I told you," he says, running his hands up my sides and then back down, until they come to rest lightly on my stomach. "And I told you they'd be happy about the baby."

"Except Nancy," I say.

Derek shakes his head slightly, glancing at his shoes. "She's been...just cut her some slack okay?" he says and I can see the concern in his eyes.

I nod, knowing intuitively that it's a touchy subject. "Okay." I smile up at him and stand up on my tip toes to press a kiss to his lips. He immediately responds, moving his hands from my waist to my back, applying gentle pressure. I melt into him, I can't help it, as he slips his tongue into my mouth to duel with mine, running it gently over the roof of my mouth.

And then the kitchen door swings open and we jump apart, breathing heavily. Derek's sisters file out into the hallway and smirk at us before walking between us towards the living room. "You guys should join us," Anna calls over her shoulder. "Unless you'd rather continue to suck face in the hallway."

"Shut up, Anna!" Derek calls after her.

I can't help but laugh at the whole situation, especially Derek's face when he yelled after Anna. I lean backwards until my back is pressed against the wall, still giggling softly. Derek turns towards me and shakes his head at me, before closing the space between us. Our height difference is exaggerated since I'm leaning backwards and I tilt my head up at him as he stands in front of me.

"I like your family," I tell him.

He smiles down at me, before reaching down and pulling me up to my full height. I lean against him, resting my head on his chest. "I love you," he says into my hair.


	22. Uh, Congratulations

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Derek asks me as we make our way up the stairs.

I pause on the last step and turn to glare at him. "Do you really think the answer to that has changed in last 30 seconds?"

He shrugs, smiling cockily. "It could've."

I roll my eyes and step up into the hallway. "Which one is yours?" I ask, motioning to the doors lining the hallway.

He steps past me and I follow him down the hall into a room. "Here it is," he says as we walk inside. I smile to myself as I eye the room. It doesn't seem as if it's been renovated or changed at all probably since the day Derek left home for college. It's like a Derek Shepherd shrine, complete with trophies and awards and science fair ribbons.

"You were a geek weren't you?" I comment eyeing a rather centrally placed blue ribbon for a high school science fair.

"I was just...intelligent," he says, walking up behind me. I turn towards him and narrow my eyes at him. He shrugs slightly, nodding his head. "And slightly scrawny...and a little pale perhaps."

I laugh at him and reach up, placing my hands on either side of face to kiss him. "Did you also have the big glasses and the bad afro?" I ask.

He nods. "Maybe. Why? Does it turn you on?"

"Oh yeah," I tell him seriously. "You know I just _love _my guys pasty and skinny."

"I knew it," he says. "In high school, as soon as girls saw me with my pocket protector and day planner, they just fell at my feet."

"Oh, really?" I ask, smiling up at him.

"Really."

"I definitely would've fallen for that," I say.

"Really?"

"No."

He chuckles softly and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me into him and pressing a kiss to my lips. "So," I say, draping my arms around his neck. "What are we supposed to wear?"

"What?" he says, running his hands up my sides.

"Well I'm not sleeping in this," I say glancing down at my outfit. I look back up at his face. "Very uncomfortable."

He nods his head slightly and moves closer to me, pressing his body against mine. "You know," he says, his voice low. "We could just sleep naked."

I let out a little giggle at him and shake my head. "You're such a dirty boy."

He shrugs, smiling, and leans his head towards me. I tilt my head towards him, my lips parted slightly in anticipation. He pauses for a second, looking into my eyes, before lowering his lips to mine. I meet his lips, kissing him hard as he slips his tongue into my mouth to tangle with mine. I let out an almost imperceptible moan, moving my hands up his neck to tangle with his soft curls. As he pulls back, he reaches up and brushes the hair out of my face. I lean forward and press one last kiss to his lips. "Is that a yes?" he asks with a smirk.

"It seems I have no choice," I reply, my lips curving into a smile.

xxx

In the middle of the night I wake up and smile, feeling Derek's body curved against mine, his arm draped across my stomach, his legs tangled with mine. I try to slip out from under his arm without waking him up, but, feeling me move, he begins to stir and opens his eyes. "Mmmm, where are you going?" he asks, pulling me back against him.

"I really have to pee," I say softly.

I can feel his breath on my neck as he laughs. "The bathroom's down the hall."

I nod and slip off the bed, grabbing his button down shirt to slip on. I button it hastily and open the door as quietly as I can. I step out into the hall and begin to tiptoe towards the bathroom, conscious of the fact that there are three-year-olds sound asleep on the other side of most of these doors.

I breathe a sigh of relief as I reach the bathroom door, glad I didn't wake anybody up. But just as I'm about to open the door and go inside, a door opens behind me. I spin around and come face to face with Nancy. She seems just as surprised to see me as I am. "I heard someone," she says quietly.

My first thought is, _Wow, you're a really light sleeper, _but this thought is immediately followed by the inevitable, _Shit._

"I had to go to the bathroom," I say, wishing I were wearing pants. "Sorry I woke you."

"I'm a really light sleeper."

"Oh."

We stand in silence for a while and I glance at my feet, wondering what I should say. The way I see it, I have three possibilities: I could run, I could stay and talk, or I could punch her in the face. I almost laugh out loud when I picture possibility number three, but I stifle it. Just as I'm leaning towards possibility number one, Nancy's voice jerks me out of my thoughts.

"Uh, congratulations," she says awkwardly. I look up at her. "About the baby."

"Oh, uh, thanks," I say. Another awkward silence ensues and I'm suddenly struck by Nancy's appearance. She looks...sad. Like, really, really sad and I don't know how I didn't notice before. Her face looks almost gaunt, with dark circles under her eyes and lines curving around her mouth. "Are you okay?" I suddenly ask, not believing that I actually did. And as she looks at me, with a look mixed with shock and a little annoyance, I really wish I hadn't.

"What did Derek tell you?" she asks me, the familiar iciness back in her voice.

I furrow my brow in very real confusion. "Derek didn't tell me anything."

"Well," she says, her posture stiff, "I'm fine."

"Okay," I say.

She looks at me for a second longer and then turns, walking back into her room. I remain standing in the hallway for a few more seconds before walking into the bathroom and shutting the door behind me. I stand in front of the mirror and as I eye my reflection, staring back at me, one thought keep running through my head: _That was strange._

xxx

After going to the bathroom, I tiptoe back down the hall and go into Derek's room, climbing onto the bed. He lifts up his arm and slip under it, settling myself against him. "Took you long enough," he mumbles.

I nod, tucking my head under his chin. "Derek?"

"Yeah?" he asks, his voice thick with sleep.

"What happened to Nancy?"

I feel him stiffen slightly as I wait for him to answer, holding my breath. "Nothing, she's fine," he says quickly, but the sleep his gone from his voice.

xxx

I wake up in the morning to Derek kissing my neck, his hands moving over my body, over my stomach and breasts. I try and fail to stifle a moan and press my back against his bare chest, feeling the warmth radiating from him. "I like waking up with you in my arms," Derek says in between kisses.

"Me too," I say. "I mean, I like waking up in your arms."

"Mmmm," he says as he moves my hair off my neck, uncovering more skin to kiss. I turn in his arms and look up into his face.

"We have to get up," I tell him.

"Why?" he asks, leaning forward to press a kiss to my lips.

"We're not having sex," I say, moving my hands across his chest and feeling the fine hairs between my fingers.

"Why?"

"Because."

He frowns at me and pulls me against him, so that my breasts are pressed against his chest. "You can't sleep naked in my arms and then deny sex the next morning."

"Derek," I say. "We're in your mom's house. It's weird. What if she like hears us or something. I mean, you're not exactly quiet. Well actually, I'm not exactly qui--"

I'm cut off by his lips crashing down on mine. I groan softly as he moves his lips from my mouth to nibble and suck gently on my earlobe. "Derek..." I moan. He doesn't respond, just kisses the corner of my mouth and then my chin.

I decide to quit fighting it, because, well, who am I kidding? Especially when he's doing that, or...that. I roll on top of him, feeling as our bodies come together, fitting against one another perfectly. He continues to kiss me until I'm breathless, desire pooling in the pit of my stomach. I sit up so that I'm straddling his waist, the sheets tangled around my hips. I look down at him as he gazes up at me, his hands resting gently on my waist.

I then shift down on his body, never breaking eye contact and hover over him, feeling his hardness at my entrance. I can feel his muscles tense as he waits for me, struggling not buck his hips into me. With a small smile, I close my eyes and sink down onto him. We both let out a soft moan as we come together and after a minute, I begin to move above him, his hands supporting me on my waist. I rock back and forth slowly and then faster as we near our climaxes. At the last minute, he flips us over and hovers over me for a second before thrusting into me, hard. I let out a moan as I climax feeling him come shortly after.

He stays in me as we ride out the last waves of pleasure together before lying down beside me and pulling me into his arms. He smiles at me and kisses the tip of my nose and then, lovingly, on the mouth. "I'm hungry," I say, resting my head on his chest. I close my eyes as he runs his fingers through my hair, feeling my body relax against him.

"Do you want to go eat?" he asks.

I sigh softly, my eyes drooping. "In a second."

"Okay," he says. "No rush."

I nod my head a little. "Good."

"You going back to sleep?" he asks me, pulling me tighter against him.

"Just for a sec," I mumble.

He chuckles softly and presses his lips to the top of my head. "Okay." He reaches down and pulls the covers up around my bare shoulders, before wrapping his arms around me. I smile slightly as I drift into sleep.

**Soooooooo, what did you think? Haha. Who's curious about Nancy? Maybe just a little? Don't worry, you won't be disappointed. I hope. If you are, then I didn't do my job well. Lol.**


	23. Author's Note

Hey you guys, I am definitely going to finish this story. I swear. Cross my heart. I actually have the next chapter written, it just has to be edited. But I came up with this idea and I had to write it down and I'm dying to know what you guys think. So please, please add me as an author alert, because I'm going to post the first chapter of this new story soon.

It's an very AU MerDer. Here's the basic plot: Meredith just moved to Seattle from Boston. She is going to be a senior at the high school. Derek is also a rising senior originally from New England. What happens when they meet? I'm basically in love with this story, so I hope you guys like it too so I can keep writing it!!


	24. No Matter What

"Mer..."

"Mmmm."

"Wake up."

I open my eyes and peer up at Derek. "I hate you," I proclaim. He only laughs and pulls me close enough to kiss the tip of my nose.

"Awww, I love you too," he says with more than a little sarcasm.

"Why do we have to get up? I want to sleep. I'm tired. I don't know if you've ever tried it, but the whole growing a human being in my uterus is kind of making me a little sleepy."

"That's understandable," he says. "But we still have to get up."

I glare up at him and roll away from him, pulling a pillow under my head. It's not as comfy as Derek's chest, but it'll have to do. "You get up. Im sleeping."

I hear as he debates whether or not to actually listen to me. It doesn't take long for him to make up his mind. He moves across the bed and repositions himself behind me, wrapping his arm around my stomach and resting his face in the curve of my neck. I melt into him immediately. I girl can only hold out for so long. "Maybe a couple more minutes," he mumbles.

I smile triumphantly and lean more heavily against him. "You are much more comfortable than a pillow," I say as he wraps his other arm around allowing me to rest my head on his shoulder.

"Thank you. I think."

xxx

"Finally!" Anna says when we stroll into the kitchen around ten o'clock where half of Derek's family is contentedly eating breakfast. "What the heck took you guys so long?" I glance at Derek guiltily. "You know what? I don't really need to know."

I laugh as Derek wraps his arm around my waist. "Hungry?" he asks me as I turn towards him.

"Very," I reply, leaning my forehead against his shoulder.

"Tired?" he asks, his voice softer as he rubs my back gently.

"Yes," I admit after a moment. I feel like I could sleep all day.

"It's normal," he says kissing my hair.

"I know, I know," I say, lifting my head from his shoulder. "It's just annoying. I don't like feeling this tired. It makes me feel weak."

Derek shakes his head at me, his eyes filled with adoration. "It's not a sign of weakness."

"Stop being reasonable," I tell him, smiling slightly.

"I can't help it," he tells me.

I lean towards him slightly and press a kiss to his lips even under the intent gaze of half his family. I hear some whoops of approval from the guys and pull back, feeling my cheeks redden. Derek grins at me and then walks over to the table, pulling out my chair for me before sitting down beside me. I grab a muffin to nibble on and scan the table. Nancy isn't there.

xxx

"You want to go for a walk?" Derek asks me as we walk out into the hall after breakfast.

"Where would we go?"

"I have some ideas," he says, leaning over to kiss my lips quickly.

"Okay," I tell him. "I'll be ready in a second." I smile at him before walking upstairs into our room. I pull on my shoes and grab my coat, before glancing in the mirror quickly. I'm not a complete mess, so I walk over to the door and open it with on last look of longing at the bed. I consider crawling under the covers and going back to sleep, but decide not to. Anyway, exercise is good. Exercise makes people happy. Endorphins and all that.

I walk out into the hall and begin to make my way towards the staircase when one of the bedroom doors opens and Nancy walks out. Literally, my first thought is, _Are you kidding me? _I want to run away, but my legs don't move. I feel frozen and kind of frightened. "You again," Nancy says meanly.

I don't say anything. I can't find any words. Why can't I find any words? _Say something! _my brain is yelling at me. My mouth won't listen. After a few seconds of silence, Nancy rolls her eyes and pushes past me towards the staircase.

"What is your problem?" Oh. There they are.

Nancy pauses and then turns slowly to face me. "Excuse me?"

I shake my head slightly and take a step towards her. "You have been nothing but mean to me since I've gotten here. First you don't even say hello, then you rat me out to the whole family about my pregnancy--thanks for that by the way--and then you yell at me for asking if you were okay! What am I doing wrong? I know I'm not Addison, but I love Derek. I do. So if you have a problem with then you can just--"

"I know you love Derek," she says quietly. I pause in my tirade abruptly and study her more closely, my mouth slightly agape. "And I know he loves you too. I've seen the way he looks at you. He never looked at Addison like that..."

"Then what is your problem?" My tone isn't nasty, it's...tired. It's defeated.

"Do you know what a stillbirth is, Meredith?"

The sudden change of subject throws me off for a second. "Y-yes..."I sputter.

"It's when the baby you've carried in your stomach for nine months, the baby that you've fallen in love with and named and dreamed about...it's when that baby is born dead. Dead. No crying, no first steps, no future, just death." I see the tears on her cheeks before I register that she's crying.

"I..." I say lamely. I swallow. I don't like this story. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I'm sure you are," Nancy says, wiping away the tears with the back of her hand and looking at the wall.

"No," I say softly. "I am."

I watch as she pauses and shifts her gaze back to my face. She nods slightly. "Okay." For a split second I actually envision myself walking over to her and hugging her. But I don't. Instead, I nod and offer a half smile. She turns away from me and walks down the stairs, leaving me alone in the dimly lit hallway.

xxx

"Jeez, took you long enough," Derek says as I step outside to where he's waiting for me on the little porch. I only shift my empty gaze to his face. I feel shaky. He immediately senses my change in mood and steps closer to me. "Mer? What is it?"

"Nancy..." My mouth feels dry. "Nancy...she told me. Her baby..." I can't finish my sentence. I've dealt with stillbirths before. I'm a doctor, I'm trained to be unemotional towards things that are overwhelmingly emotional. But right now...it makes me feel empty.

Derek's face takes on a deep sadness that I rarely see. "She did?" he asks. I nod numbly. "I didn't...I wanted..." he trails off and runs a hand through his hair. "I was hoping you wouldn't find out."

I shake my head at him and take a step back from him. "Don't protect me, Derek." I look into his eyes levelly. "This is life. And it's messy and it hurts and even knights in shining whatever can't fix everything."

Derek smiles slightly and reaches across the space between us to place his hand gently on my stomach. "I know. I know I can't fix everything." He moves his fingers slightly, shifting my shirt against my stomach. He glances up at my face. "But I can try."

I smile place my hand on top of his before moving closer to him. "You wouldn't be you if you didn't try." He gives a slight nod and wraps his arms around my waist. I let him pull me into his arms. I let him kiss me. I let him love me.

xxx

"Where are we?" I ask Derek as he leads me down a path.

"In the woods," he tells me.

I roll my eyes at him. "Really? I hadn't noticed."

Derek chuckles beside me and squeezes my hand. "We're almost there."

"We better be or else I'm making you carry me," I say.

He chances a glance at my face to see if I'm kidding. I'm not. He shrugs. "I wouldn't mind."

I scoff. "Stop being perfect."

He only shakes his head and continues to walk down the path. I follow him reluctantly. While I'm trying to enjoy the beauty which surrounds me, nature in all its glory or whatever, I just want to curl up in Derek's arms and go to sleep. Just as I'm about to head into round two of the complaining, we emerge from the woods onto the shore of a lake. I take in a little breath as I look out across the water, glinting in the sunlight. "Wow," I breathe.

Derek looks at me and back to the lake. "It is," he says. He sighs the way people sigh when they're remembering something. "I used to come here everyday after school to do my homework, but more importantly, avoid my sisters."

I laugh beside him. "That makes sense." He nods absentmindedly before turning back to me. I half smiled up at him before glancing at the ground. "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"What if...I mean I don't want..." I take a deep breath, trying to still my racing heart. "I love our baby." I look up at him with full eyes. "I don't want to lose it," I say and my voice comes out all wobbly.

Derek frowns with concern and wraps his arms around me. "You won't."

"How can you be sure?" I ask him.

He shakes his head slightly. He opens his mouth, but closes it again. "I can't," he finally says. "But I am sure of one thing."

"What?"

He smiles. "No matter what happens, you'll be okay."

I smile up at him and nod my head slightly, resting my head against his chest. "You know, I wouldn't have believed you a couple of weeks ago."

"Why not?" he asks as he rests his chin on top of my head.

I smile to myself before answering: "I didn't have you."

He is quiet for a second before pulling back to look at my face. When he sees the sincerity in my features his face softens. I smile and kiss him before he can see the red rising in my cheeks. I draws me close, gathering me against him. "I love you so much," he says into my lips.

I close my eyes as he kisses me, sucking gently on my bottom lip before pausing and brushing his lips against mine. I let him take me where he wants, surrendering to the feelings coursing through me. A little while later, I pull back and rest my forehead against his. "I love you too."


	25. I Promise

"Come back soon," Carol tells her son as we stand in foyer, saying our goodbyes.

Derek smiles down at her. "I will. I promise."

Carol smiles and then turns to me. "And you come back soon too, so I can meet my grandchild. But in the meantime, keep him safe," she says.

"Him?" Susan asks behind her.

"Or her," Carol says, shooting a look at her daughter.

I smile. "We will definitely come back soon," I promise her. Carol nods and then pulls me into a hug and for some reason I feel like I want to cry.

"It was great meeting you," Susan says, walking over to me and giving me a hug as well.

"Yeah," Anna says. "It really was." And as she pulls me into a quick hug, she adds, "I've never seen him this happy." I smile and glance at Derek who is currently saying goodbye to Nancy.

"I'll see you soon," Sarah says, walking over to me. "And congratulations."

"Thank you," I say, resting my hand on my stomach briefly. "And I'll make him visit more."

I feel Derek's hand on my arm and I turn towards him, following him towards the door. We wave behind us one last time and then walk outside. I realize I never said goodbye to Nancy and glance behind me, but they already moved away from the door shutting it after us. I feel Derek reach for my hand and look over at him. "So, are you scarred for life?" he asks.

I smile and shake my head. "No."

He grins and leans over, pressing a quick kiss to my lips. "I'm glad."

xxx

By the time Derek pulls up to his trailer, it is already getting dark and I am already half-asleep.

"Can we go to bed right now?" I ask as we step inside. I drop my purse and jacket on a nearby table and walk across the small space to the bed where I flop facedown onto the comforter dramatically. I sigh sheets, my eyes already closed.

I hear Derek chuckle behind me and then deposit his own things onto the table. "You can go to sleep, but me, like most un-pregnant people, enjoy staying up past 7 o'clock."

I sit up and look at him. "It is not 7 o'clock."

"It is," Derek says with a smile. He glances at his watch. "Well, 6:55 actually."

"I'm pathetic," I grumble. "I hate being pregnant."

"Liar," Derek accuses.

"No, I'm serious. It's annoying and I don't like it. I'm tired all the time. I'm nauseous all the time, which is problematic, because I'm also hungry all the time." I frown and let my shoulders slump.

Derek offers a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry."

"You should be," I tell him. "This is all your fault."

Derek smiles and walks over to me, standing at the foot of the bed and looking down at me. "Do you really hate it?" he asks softly.

I drop his gaze and look down at my hands folded in my lap. I shake my head slightly. "No," I admit, lifting one of my hands to rest on my stomach. "But it would be nice if I could stay up past 7 o'clock," I tell him, looking back up at his face.

Derek glances at his clock and then holds the face up for me to see. "You did," he says.

"Wow, 7:02. Score." But I can't help but smile. I shake my head and reach for his hand, pulling him down onto the bed beside me. He lies next to me and takes me in his arms. I'm silent for a minute and I let myself relax against him. "Just for the record," I say after a moment. "I like being pregnant."

He presses a kiss to my forehead and I can feel his lips curve into a smile. "I know," he says.

xxx

"Hey, you're alive," Christina comments as I walk into the locker room the next morning.

"Oh, I missed you too, Chris," I say cheekily, dropping my bag in front of my locker and sitting down next to her.

"How is the Shepherd family?" she asks, pulling her scrub top over her head.

I shrug and take off my shoes before shoving them into my locker. "They were fine. I don't know."

"Did you tell em' about the bun in the oven?" she asks.

I glance sideways at her and make a face. "Yes, I did."

"How did they take it?"

"They were happy, I guess," I tell her softly. "They were a lot more understanding than I expected."

Christina looks at me for a second. "Well that's good, isn't it?"

I smile. "Yeah. It is."

xxx

For the rest of the day the hospital seems eerily quiet. There aren't many patients. There aren't many surgeries. Most of the on call rooms are filled with people catching up on sleep. I, however, am not so lucky. All I want to do is page Derek to an on call room, but instead I am stuck in the clinic trying to keep my interns from killing anyone. Which is a harder task than one might think.

"Why are you giving Mrs. Anderson a spinal tap?" I ask one of my interns, Dr. Austin. I was going through the charts at the desk when I saw that he was performing the procedure.

"She has a headache…I'm just trying to rule out meningitis," he says, walking over to me. He looks scared, like a deer caught in the headlights. It's annoying.

I take a deep breath so that I don't yell at him. Or strangle him. "She has a headache?"

"Yeah…"

"Dr. Austin," I begin slowly, "do you see doctors performing spinal taps a lot?"

He considers the question, rather slowly in my opinion. "No, not really," he decides finally.

"Do you know why?" I ask, gripping the edge of the counter a little too hard.

"Well, because they're very invasive and painful and…"

"Exactly," I say. "So don't you think it would be wise to rule out some of the many other possibilities for what is causing Mrs. Anderson's headache?"

I watch as realization finally dawns over Dr. Austin's face. "Oh, right, okay."

I nod and squeeze my mouth in a straight line in an attempt not to scream. I hate interns. They are evil. I suddenly have an appreciation for Dr. Bailey that I never had before. I sigh and lean against the table, supporting myself with my hands. I bow my head and close my eyes feeling that familiar exhaustion sweep over me.

I suddenly feel a hand on my back and look up to see Derek. I smile tiredly at him. "Hi," I say.

"Hi," he says, moving his hand to rest on my waist as I turn towards him. "How is your day?"

"I hate interns," I tell him honestly. "Trying to keep them from killing anyone really takes it out of you."

Derek nods knowingly and tugs on my waist, pulling me closer. I move into his body, but only for an instant. "I can't," I say softly. "Not in front of my interns."

He presses a kiss to my forehead anyway, but then takes a step back. "Come find me when your shift is over."

I nod and watch as he walks away. Just as the clinic doors swing shut behind him, my pager goes off. I glance down at it and feel my adrenaline immediately kick in. I look up at my interns and sure enough, their pagers go off as well. They all glance down at them simultaneously and then up at me. I motion for them to follow me as I jog out of the clinic towards the ER.

They trail in after me and gather behind me as I look around. The chief is standing in the middle of the ER calling orders. "There has been a serious accident down town. A bus filled with tourists flipped over. The extent of the damage is yet to be determined, but all hospitals are instructed to send all hands that they can."

I turn towards my interns. "Okay, follow me." I lead them back outside as the first ambulances pull in. They swing open their doors.

"Are you guys heading down town?" I ask the EMT.

She nods. "Yeah, we're here to pick up any available doctors. They're really shorthanded down there."

I motion for my interns to hop into the ambulance and I'm about to follow when someone grabs my hand. I turn to see Derek. "Derek? What-"

"You shouldn't go," he says, his face pointed with worry.

"Derek, they need any doctors they can get…"

"I just…I don't want…"

"Are you coming or not?" the EMT asks behind me.

I look back at Derek. "I'll be careful," I tell him. "I promise." I pull away from him and hop onto the ambulance. His body is framed in the windows, receding further and further as we drive away.


	26. Not Everything is Lost

"How bad is it going to be?" one of my interns asks as we make our way towards the site. I look towards her as the ambulance bumps and sways along the road.

"I honestly don't know," I tell her. I feel as the ambulance begins to slow. "Just help in any way you can," I instruct them as we come to a stop. "Don't get in the way and find me or another attending if you're unsure how to proceed."

They all nod as the doors swing open. I hop down and lift my gaze to the accident, taking it all in a little at a time. The first thing I see is the bus, lying sideways and upside down in the middle of the road, people milling around it. Overturned cars are scattered around the bus; a few are pinned under it. Body bags, gurneys and doctors surround me. As I make my way towards the bus, I feel as if everything is moving in slow motion. The people crying, the smoke rising from the bus into the air. It seems unreal. It makes something ache inside me.

I turn my head from side to side as I move forwards, my footsteps echoing in my ears. It's overwhelming. It's all too familiar. I hoped to never see this kind of tragedy more than once in my life.

I pause amidst the chaos and look around. I see a doctor directing triage, shouting orders and directing patients and doctors. I know I should go over and ask how I can help, but something else catches my eye as I run my eyes along the overturned bus. A face, pressed to a window. I feel my heart flip over in my chest as I realize that it's a child.

I feel myself pulled towards the bus, walking and then jogging until I reach the small crowd of doctors and firemen milling around the doors of the bus. The two doors have been wedged open one or two feet wide and a male doctor is trying to squeeze through the space. He can't quite fit through and pulls back, shaking his head.

"I can't fit," he says, running his hand through his hair in frustration. "Is there any way we can open them wider?"

"No," a fireman says beside him. "That's as wide as they're going to get."

"I can fit through there," I blurt out before I can think better of it.

A couple of firemen turn towards me. They look me up and down. "She probably can," one says, walking over to the opening between the doors and eyeing the space.

Suddenly, a woman grabs my hand. I turn towards her and take in her stricken face. "Oh please, help him, help my baby…"

"You're the child's mother?" I ask.

The woman nods. She squeezes her eyes shut and tears spill over her eyelids, streaming down her face. "Yes, his name is Henry." Here gaze is imploring. "Please…"

I nod and squeeze her hand. "I'll do everything I can," I tell her. She releases my hand and I walk over to the doors.

"Before you crawl in there," a fireman says behind me, "you should know, the position of the bus makes this much more dangerous."

"What do you mean?" I ask, looking up at him.

"Come look at this," he says, motioning for me to follow him. I follow him as he walks around to the other side of the bus. I immediately see what he meant. The bus is balanced, quite precariously, on top of a pile up of cars.

"There's no telling what added weight would do. The bus could tip," the fireman explains.

_You shouldn't go. _"But we don't have any other options," I say. The fireman nods and bows his head.

"Well, whenever you're ready…"

"Yeah, I'll be right there," I say softly. The fireman nods and moves past me, around to the other side of the bus. I don't follow him immediately. _I'll be careful. I promise. _I lift my hand to my stomach for an instant. Would I be able to forgive myself if something happened to my child? No. I glance up at the bus and the image of the child's tear-stained face flashes across my eyes, pressed to the window. Would I be able to forgive myself if I stood by and let this child die? No.

I turn and walk back around to the other side of the bus and begin loading my kit with supplies. "The kid is alert and talking," the first doctor I saw begins to tell me. "He's pinned somehow, but we're not sure by what. He says he can't move his legs. Other than that, we can't tell much more."

I nod and stand up, holding my kit. I walk over to the door and put my kit in before me. Then, carefully, I slide between the doors and drop to my knees. As I begin to crawl towards the boy, I feel the bus shift beneath me. I freeze and wait until it settles before moving forward again. "Go very, very slow," I hear someone call out behind me.

"I'm coming, Henry," I call out to the boy.

"Can they get me out?" he asks, his tone frantic, muffled by tears.

"They're trying," I answer, as I move slowly towards him. My breath sounds loud to my ears. My pounding heart does too. With each shift of the bus I hear Derek's voice echoing in my head. _You shouldn't go. _I told him I would be careful. I promised him.

I finally reach Henry and see that he's pinned under some sort of bar. At first I don't know what it is, but then I realize disjointedly that it's what the passengers hold on to for balance when the bus is crowded. "Okay, Henry," I say, trying to keep my voice from shaking. "I'm gonna get you out of here."

Henry doesn't respond and I look up at his face. His gaze is blank and unfocused. "Henry?" As I say his name he starts seizing. I pull off my jacket and tuck it under his head and try to keep him as still as possible. I suddenly notice blood on the side of his head and realize he has a pretty serious head trauma, which probably caused the seizure.

I reach into my kit and pull out some gauze, pressing it to the wound in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Henry's convulsions slow and stop. I try to catch his gaze. "Henry? You okay? Can you talk to me?"

"I-I'm scared," he says, his voice quiet.

I nod and try to swallow the lump in my throat. "I know," I tell him. _Me too._

xxx

"How's it going, Dr. Grey?" I hear the voice of the fireman as I tend to Henry.

I turn my head towards the other end of the bus. The space between the doors allows a pool of light to fall into the darkened bus. In the moment, it seems so far away. "He has a pretty serious head trauma," I call back. "I managed to stop the bleeding, but…"

"He needs to get to a hospital."

I nod. I feel defeated. "Yeah."

"Dr. Grey, you need to get out of there are soon as possible." _No kidding._

"I can't leave this boy to bleed to death," I say, but even as I say it I'm conscious that I'm not just responsible for my own life now. _I'll be careful. I promise._

"Do you think the patient would bleed out if we removed the pole?"

"I don't know," I call to him. "There's no way of telling for sure, but my best guess would be yes."

"Okay, well we have search and rescue all ready to go as soon as you get out of there."

I glance at Henry. His eyes are wide with fear. "You're leaving me?"

"I have to," I tell him, trying to keep my voice from shaking. "I have to, so they can get you out."

He squeezes his eyes shut for a second and then opens them and focuses on my face. "Okay," he says and I can see the trust in his eyes.

I nod. "Okay."

As slowly as possible, I pull away and begin to make my way back towards the other end of the bus. My arms shake from the exertion as I crawl towards the doors, my whole body tense. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, willing myself forward. I'm fifteen feet away. Then twelve. Then ten. Then eight.

And then I'm falling. I slip to the side as the bus tips over and slam into the wall with a dull thud that resonates throughout my body. As the side of the bus hits the road, I knock my head against a seat. The sound of shattering glass and the crying of a little boy are the last things I hear before slipping into unconsciousness.

xxx

There are hands on me, lifting me. Faces loom in the corners of my vision. I feel woozy, slipping in and out of consciousness as I move closer to the light. My body aches. I can't lift my head. I'm so tired.

I hear my name. Someone's calling my name. I can't focus. My head is all wrong. Someone is carrying me away from the bus. My body shifts with each step he takes and pain shoots through my body. I want Derek. I want his face and his voice and his arms…

The person carrying me is putting me down. He rests me on a gurney. I squeeze my eyes shut as my head begins to throb painfully. I feel tears in my eyes and realize I'm crying, but I don't know why.

"Dr. Grey? Dr. Grey, can you hear me?" I struggle to focus on the voice, on the faces looming above me.

"My baby…" I breathe, but I can't seem to keep my eyes open. I'm just so tired.

xxx

The first thing I see as I open my eyes is Derek. He's leaning against the doorframe leading into my hospital room. His posture is tired, his expression a mixture of relief and sadness.

"Hi," he says and walks over to me. He reaches out and runs his fingers along my cheek. As I look into his face, I can see that he's been crying and I feel my heart still.

"My baby…" I breathe. "Is it okay?"

He nods, but his eyes are sad. "It's fine. But you're very, very lucky."

I squeeze my eyes shut and turn my head away from him as tears slip out of the corners of my eyes. I feel the guilt and relief wash over me all at once. I place my hand on my stomach as a sob escapes my throat. I hear Derek shift beside the bed. "Meredith…"

I don't answer and turn on my side towards the window. "We almost lost it," I choke out. "And it would've been my fault."

"But we didn't lose it," he says softly.

Still, something inside me feels broken. Not right. I suddenly remember the boy, Henry. I glance over my shoulder at Derek. "The boy...Henry...is he okay? Did he make it?" My throat feels tight as I ask the question.

Derek drops his gaze to the floor for an instant and I know. "No, he didn't," he says as gently as he can. I turn away from him again. I feel the wetness against my cheek as my tears soak into the pillow. I want to fold into myself. I wan to run away. I want to be anywhere but here. It hurts too much.

I feel the bed dip slightly as Derek lies down behind me. I feel my muscles relax in his arms as I lean back against him. He moves his hand to my stomach. His touch feels warm and protective and I move my hand to rest on top of his. "You did everything you could," Derek says softly behind me.

"Yeah," I reply softly. "But he died anyway." I feel Derek draw me closer, pressing his face into the curve of my neck. "He was somebody's baby, Derek."

I feel him nod into my neck. I squeeze my eyes shut. I'm so tired. "I love you," he whispers.

I smile through my sadness. Not everything is lost. "I love you too."

**Hope you liked it! Please review!**


	27. Sleep

I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I relive it. What could I have done differently? What could I have done to save him? I can't sleep. I feel Derek's arms tighten around me as he sleeps. He's angry with me. He doesn't show it openly. He knows my own guilt is punishment enough, but I can sense it.

He told me to be careful, and I wasn't. I risked everything and to what end? He died anyway. I can't keep my eyes open anymore. I let them drift shut, slipping into the darkness.

xxx

"I'm going to work."

I sit up and try to smile at him, but my bones seem to slump and cave. I just want to sleep. He walks over and sits on the edge of the bed. He hesitates before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to my lips. I lean into him for an instant, closing my eyes. I don't want him to leave. I want to fall into him and stay there until it doesn't hurt so much.

"You going to be okay?" he asks, lifting a hand to my cheek.

I nod and offer a half smile. He studies me for a moment as if debating whether or not he believes me. His eyes are sad. But a moment later he's gone, walking out of my room with one last glance over his shoulder. I let myself fall back against the pillow and fold my arms across my stomach protectively. I can't let him go. The images haunt me. The face pressed to the window, the darkness of the bus, the light, which seemed so far away, the cries. I couldn't save him.

I feel the familiar tears rising in my throat. I squeeze my eyes shut and they slip out of the corners of my eyes. I am a doctor. I have seen death. I have felt it. But this…this is different. It could've been me. I was almost me.

xxx

I walk into the hospital, my footsteps echoing on the tiles as I walk through the lobby towards the elevator. I press the button and take a deep breath as the doors open. I walk on, but instead of pressing for the surgical floor, I press the button for the psych floor. I move to the back of the elevator and lean back against the wall as the doors begin to close.

I hear a thunk and open my eyes to see Derek sticking his hand between the doors. As the doors reopen he glances up and sees me. I see the familiar smile pass across his lips. He's happy to see me. But then, just as quickly, that easy joy is gone, replaced by something else. It's as if he forgot for a moment.

"I thought you had the day off," he says, walking onto the elevator.

"I just had to check on something," I tell him quietly. He didn't kiss me. He always kisses me.

He nods vaguely and turns away from me. He reaches out to press for the surgical floor, but pauses when he sees that the psych floor is already lit up. He glances over his shoulder at me, but I dip my head, avoiding his questioning gaze. "So, listen, my shift runs really late tonight, so don't wait up for me."

I nod, feeling the distance between us grow wider and wider. "That's fine, I'll just sleep in the townhouse tonight."

"Okay," he replies and his voice is soft. With what, I can't tell. Maybe it's sadness, maybe it's disappointment, maybe it's just pain.

Just then, the doors open onto the psych floor and I begin to walk past him, but he reaches out and grabs my hand. "Meredith, wait," he says.

I turn towards him. He opens his mouth to say something, but then decides against it and closes it again. "I'm fine, Derek," I tell him, pulling my hand away. The doors begin to close, but he stops them. We stay like that for a moment, staring at each other between the half closed doors, before he removes his hands and they close completely.

He bows his head as I walk away and I feel an ache within my chest. I shake my head quickly and begin down the hall towards Dr. Williams' office. I knock on the door hesitantly. "Come in," she calls from inside.

I open the door and look at her. She glances up and when she sees my face, she puts down her pen and regards me fully. "You okay?" she asks.

"I don't know," I tell her honestly and my voice comes out all wobbly.

She nods and stands up, motioning for me to sit down, which I do. "I'm sorry I didn't make an appointment, I know you hate that, but I…"I trail off and glance away from her. "I don't know what to do."

"What happened?" she asks.

I hesitate and then look up at her. She looks at me, her gaze level. I want to tell someone so badly. And so I do. I tell her the story from beginning to end. And when I finish, she's very quiet and I let my gaze fall on the fichus in the corner of the room. "Meredith." I look up at her. "It's not your fault." She says it so simply. It can't be that easy, can it?

I suddenly feel as if I'm going to cry and I look away again. "It feels like it is, though."

I see Dr. Williams nod out of the corner of my eye. "You have to let him go. You did everything you could."

"Did I?" I ask suddenly. "Did I really? He trusted me. I told him I would save him."

"Meredith, you risked your life for him. There was no way to know that the bus was going to tip. You acted to the best of your ability based on the information at hand."

"I shouldn't have left him," I say quietly, almost to myself. "I should have stayed with him."

"And what good would that have done?" Dr. Williams asks. "Then neither of you would've made it." Dr. Williams pauses and leans forward in her chair. I look at her levelly. "You put your life on the line for this boy, and he knew it. He knew you did everything you could."

"It wasn't just my life I risked," I say.

Dr. Williams gives a slight nod and leans back again. "You mean your baby."

"He told me," I say, shaking my head. "He told me to be careful."

"Who?" Dr. Williams asks.

"Derek," I reply quietly. "He didn't even want me to go and I did anyway."

"Meredith, you know that staying behind wasn't an option. Not for you. Not for any doctor. You wanted to help. You _needed _to."

"But I could've lost it!" I burst out. "I could've lost my baby."

"But you didn't," Dr. Williams says reasonably. But it's the almost that scares. I almost did. _Almost. _The possibility for hurt and pain is so immense that it terrifies me. It has always been _my _life. Just mine. Until I got pregnant. And now there's this whole other life, depending on me.

"I climbed into the bus knowing that it could tip over at any moment. I knew the risk I was taking and I did it anyway."

"What was your other option? Not crawl into the bus?" Dr. Williams asks. "You would never have been able to forgive yourself if that boy died while you stood by and did nothing."

I nod my head, feeling the tears fill my eyes. "Yeah, but he died anyway."

Dr. Williams shakes her head and sighs. "Don't you get it, Meredith? You gave that boy a chance. Yes. It's true he died, but you did everything in your power to keep that from happening. You have to be able to see that or this is going to haunt you for the rest of your life."

"But he was somebody's kid. He was somebody's little boy…And it hurts so much…it hurts so much and he wasn't even _my_ kid. What if it had been my little boy in that bus? What if it had been my baby that died?" I suddenly realize that this whole time, consciously or unconsciously, one of my hands has been resting on my stomach.

Dr. Williams nods her head knowingly. "Meredith, with motherhood, also comes an overwhelming vulnerability. Your life stops mattering so much when you hold that baby for the first time. You gain so much when you have a child, but with that gain also comes the possibility for immense loss. But you can't let that keep you from feeling the joy of it."

I nod my head and reach up to swipe away the tears that have gathered in the corners of my eyes. "I'm not sure if Derek and I are going to make it."

Dr. Williams pauses at the sudden change of subject, not grasping at first why they're connected. "Why?" she asks simply.

I shake my head dejectedly. "He's really mad at me for taking the risk that I did."

Dr. Williams nods. "You have to explain it to him. Derek's not an idiot. He might not be able to understand right now, but if you sit down with him and tell him the story the way you told me, he'll get it."

"But he loves our baby so much…"

"Yeah, but so do you. He has to realize that you wouldn't risk that baby's life on a simple whim."

I nod, knowing that she's right. I just need to talk to him. I let out a sigh. Easier said than done.

xxx

That night, as I'm lying in bed I hear someone push open my bedroom door. I want it to be Derek, but when I look up I see Izzie standing in the doorway. I manage only a tired smile. "Meredith, are you okay?" she asks.

I nod. "I'm fine, Iz."

"You want to come downstairs? We're watching your mom's old surgeries…"

"No thanks, maybe later," I tell her, even though I know it's not true. I just want to sleep.

"Okay," she replies quietly, before pulling the door shut.

I think that I dosed off, but for how long I don't know. Maybe an hour, maybe five, but when I open my eyes again, I see lying asleep next to me. I smile to myself. "Chris?" I whisper, reaching out to nudge her.

She groans quietly and then opens her eyes slowly. She looks at me for a minute before rolling over onto her back and rubbing her eyes. "What're you doing here?" I ask.

"Barbie called me," Christina tells me as she stretches her arms over her head. "She's worried about you."

"I'm fine," I tell her automatically.

"Yeah, yeah, you're fine, you're perfect and yet here you are, lying in bed at 6:00 on a Saturday night."

I sigh and roll over onto my back as well. "Yeah, well, so are you."

"I just finished a 48 hour shift. I'm entitled."

"I'm growing a human being in my uterus. I'm entitled too."

"Meredith."

And that's all it takes. Just that one word and I drop the act, feeling as the ever-present tears spring to my eyes. "I'm a mess, Chris."

"I kind of gathered that," Christina tells me.

"How?" I ask, turning my head towards her.

"McDreamy has been McWeepy all day. The only times I've ever seen him like that, it involved you."

I smile in spite of myself, but it fades quickly. I sigh and bring my hand up to my forehead. "I crawled into an upside down bus to save a little boy's life, even though I knew it was risky and even though I promised Derek I'd be careful, but the bus flipped, the boy died anyway and I almost lost my baby."

Christina turned towards me abruptly. "You're the heroic doctor on page three of the Seattle Times?"

I shrug. "I guess, but can we get back to the point?"

"What is the point?" Christina says.

I pause. "I actually don't really know."

"What I want to know is why you and McDreamy aren't like sniffing each other in the hallways anymore," Christina says.

"He didn't want me to go to the site, but I went anyway and we almost lost our baby because of it."

"Yeah," Christina says. "But you didn't, so get your ass out of bed and go talk to him. You two are so pathetic. You can barely even function without each other."

I smile over at her. I don't know how she does it, but for some reason that made me feel better than any therapy session ever could.

**I love that last scene with Christina. She is such a fun character to write and I am rather proud of McWeepy. I should write to Shonda and suggest it. Lol.**


	28. Here With Me

I walk through the lobby, press the button for the elevator and wait for the doors to open. When they do, I find Derek already standing inside, leaning against the back wall. He regards me carefully, his expression guarded. I walk on and turn so that I'm facing the doors as they slide shut. As the numbers light up above us, Derek moves away from the back wall and walks up behind me, leaning so close that I can feel the heat radiating off of his body. I let out a little shiver and tilt my head to the side as his warm breath hits my neck. "We need to talk," I say softly.

He takes one step back and I turn towards him. "We…We need to talk about…stuff." He nods tiredly. The corners of his mouth curve up slightly. "So, later?"

He nods. "Later."

I turn away from him as the doors open and make my way down the hall into the resident locker room. Christina is lying on the couch, her hands resting on her forehead. "Long shift?" I ask, shrugging off my jacket and hanging it up in my locker.

Behind me, Christina sighs and sits up. "I painted Burke's apartment."

"Isn't it your apartment?" I ask.

"I don't know," she grumbles, falling back against the couch cushions again. "I painted it so that it would stop being Burke's apartment. So that it would stop reeking of Burkeness. I even painted it red. The color of blood. And surgery. But I don't know. It still reeks." She sighs again. "I hate Burke and I hate his stupid apartment. Maybe I should move."

I turn to look at her as I pull my scrub top over my head. "You're moving out of Burke's apartment."

Christina looks at me for a second. "Why not?"

I shrug and the suddenly realize that I'm ridiculously cold without my jacket on. "Is it just me or is it cold in here?" I ask, rubbing my arms in an attempt to warm myself up.

"Oh yeah," Christina mumbles. "The chief said something about the heating system being broken or something."

"Crap. I'm like frozen." I look over at Christina, lounging on the couch. "Aren't you cold?"

"I'm always cold. I'm icy." She pauses and then turns her head towards me. "I'm icy. I'm hardcore." She sits up slightly. "I shouldn't care about Burke and his stupid apartment."

"Maybe you're just…warming up a little," I suggest as I slip my lab coat on.

"I'm not warming up. I'm not going soft." She is quiet for a minute. "I'm cold. Nothing can touch me." With that, she lies back down again and I shake my head and walk outside.

xxx

That afternoon I lie in an on call room, trying to get some sleep, but I'm so cold that I can't sleep. Finally, I simply kick the blankets away and sit up on the edge of the bed. I sigh. I never had this problem before. I never noticed whether or not it was cold, because I had my own personal blanket: Derek. I reach for my pager, but hesitate. What if he doesn't want to see me? The thought alone makes me want to cry.

He said he would always show up. No matter what. _Even if I yell, even if you yell, I'm always gonna show up. _I reach for my pager again. He'll come. He promised he would.

xxx

After five minutes, I start to worry. After ten, I start to feel hopeless. After twenty, though, I begin to think he's not coming. I stand up and walk over towards the window. I open the shades and look outside. The view isn't great, basically just the parking lot, but I can't seem to tear my eyes away from it. I'm not really looking at the cars or the people, though. He said he would show up. He said he would. I let my shoulders go slack and drop my chin against my chest. How could I have messed this up again?

Just then, though, I hear the door open behind me and click shut again. And then his hands are on my hips and he slides them forward so that they are resting on my stomach, his arms around my waist. I lean back into him, letting my head fall against his chest. "I thought you weren't coming," I tell him softly.

"I was in surgery. I came as soon as I could," he says and I almost laugh. He was in surgery. Of course he was. All this time I thought he was abandoning me and he was simply doing his job. I feel relief and embarrassment wash over me all at once.

"I'm glad you're here," I whisper. I feel him dip his head and press a kiss to my neck. His stubble is rough against my skin as he moves his lips down my neck to my shoulder. I let out a little shiver. "You're cold," he murmurs.

I nod slightly and turn in his arms. He pulls me close and I lean against him, tucking my arms under me and resting my head under his chin. We rest like that for a minute, but after a while he begins to move his hands up and down my back, rubbing them in slow circles. I pull back slightly, just enough so that he can dip his head to kiss me. I slide my hands up his chest and into the curls at the base of his neck as the kiss deepens. He continues to apply pressure on my back, running his fingers up and down my spine.

I can feel myself beginning to lose control and manage to pull back. "Derek," I murmur, my voice breathy, "we need to talk."

"We will," he replies and kisses me again.

I don't object, my need for him increasing by leaps and bounds. As he pulls me back into him, he slips his hands under my scrub top and moves his fingers lightly over my back. I feel goose bumps rise wherever his fingers go. I lean into him more heavily as he moves his lips from my mouth to my cheek. I breathe in deeply, my mouth slightly open, and close my eyes as he places kisses across my cheek and over my chin. "Derek…" I breathe. There are too many clothes between us.

He knows what I'm thinking and lifts his hands, which are still under my shirt, upwards, pulling my scrub top over my head. I do the same with his scrub top and he wraps his arms around me again, pressing his naked chest to mine. I moan softly into his mouth and move my hands over his shoulders and biceps and back, feeling the muscles rippling beneath my fingers. He lifts me then and carries me over to the bed. We lie down next to each other and he reaches down for the covers to pull over us.

I watch him, my breath hitching in the back of my throat, as he begins to move his hands over my bare skin. He runs them along my sides, over the curve of my hip and back again. His rubs his palm across my breasts, his fingers grazing the nipple, and I arch my back into him. He only smiles and continues running his fingers over the curves of my body, slowly, sensually. He lets his hand linger at my stomach. I feel his fingers spread across the slight curve, his palm warm and protective. He pauses for a minute and watches as my breath moves my stomach up and down, up and down.

I smile and reach out, touching his jaw with my fingertips. He turns his head towards me again and leans down to kiss my mouth lovingly. I move my hands to the back of his neck and pull him towards me. He obliges and rolls on top of me, but suspends most of his weight with his hands. He continues to kiss me, his tongue exploring the contours of my mouth hungrily, until I can't take it anymore.

I begin to move my hips against his, feeling his almost immediate response. He pulls back and looks into my eyes, before repositioning himself over my entrance. He pauses for one painstaking moment, before thrusting into me. I close my eyes and move my hands over his back, pulling him closer to me with each thrust. He dips his head to press his mouth to my lips for an instant, before picking up his pace.

I let out a low moan as I feel myself begin to tighten. He is breathing heavily now, his body shiny with sweat despite the cold. With one last thrust, we climax together. We are still for a minute, our bodies still joined until he lies down beside me and gathers me against him. He kisses my hair and whispers three words into my ear before I drift off: I love you.

xxx

When I wake up, the first thing I notice is that I'm warm. I promise myself I'll never take that for granted again. I let out a little yawn and stretch before settling in Derek's arms again. "You're cute when you sleep," Derek says behind me, causing me to laugh mid-yawn.

"You watching me sleep again?"

"What? I can't help it," he says.

I smile to myself, but don't respond. We have to talk. We really do. We can't just forget it ever happened. "Derek," I say finally. "We need to talk."

He sighs and pressed his face into my neck. "I know."

"You have to understand, I didn't crawl onto that bus just because I felt like it. I did it, because I was the only one who had a chance to save that boy."

I feel him nod behind me. "But we could've lost our baby, Mer."

"But we didn't."

"I know," he says. To my dismay, he pulls away from me, rolling onto his back. I turn towards him, propping myself up on my elbow. "It just felt like it was happening all over again. I felt like you were drowning all over again. Except this time, it wasn't just you I almost lost."

"Derek," I say softly. "I'm sorry I scared you. I really am. But you have to get the fact that I didn't have a choice."

"Of course you had a choice," he says. "You always have a choice."

"Fine. You're right. I could've walked away. But please, tell me, _explain_ to me, how the hell I could've lived with myself if I left that boy to die."

He is silent for a long time. He lifts his hand and runs it through his hair. Finally, he looks at me. He reaches over and runs his thumb along my cheek. "I'm sorry," he says softly. His hand falls away from my face. "I do get it. I do. But what you have to understand is that you and that baby… you two are the only things that really matter to me." He pauses, his expression sincere. "I could live without being a surgeon. I could live without my land and fishing." He pauses, smiles. "I could live without ferryboats…" The smile fades he turns towards me again. "But you…you and now that baby…I don't think I could live without you two."

I'm quiet for a long time; he's quiet for a long time. We simply look at each other, our gazes unwavering. "I do understand," I tell him, my whisper breaking the spell. "I understand, because that's the way I feel about you." I see a smile flicker across his face, lighting up his eyes. "It scares me to death sometimes how much I need you…but I realize now that your it. I can't run away from you. I can't really live without you."

He waits a beat, letting my words settle in the air between us before reaching for me. He pulls me down onto my side and I settle against, my head resting on his chest. "I'm just glad you're here, with me, safe and sound."

I smile and lift my head towards him, kissing him softly on the lips.

**Sorry it took so long for me to update again. I actually started like four different versions of this chapter, but weren't happy with them. Anyway, hope you enjoy! Please review!**


	29. Once Again

**WARNING: This chapter is total, and complete MerDer fluff to make up for what Shonda left out of the premiere on Thursday. :-)**

I open my eyes and smile as Derek's trailer comes into focus around me. I am where I'm supposed to be. I frown, though, when I realize Derek isn't where he is supposed to be: lying next to me, keeping me warm. I suddenly hear voices outside and sit up, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and standing up. I pull on jeans and my Dartmouth t-shirt, before pushing the screen door open and stepping outside.

To my surprise, I find another trailer, almost identical to Derek's, positioned about twenty yards away. The voices, I soon realize, are coming from Derek and the chief. I furrow my brow. When did he get here?

As I'm standing on Derek's porch puzzling over this, the door of the other trailer opens and Derek walks out, followed by the chief. They seem to be in a heated argument over the Godfather, but when Derek sees me, his face breaks out into a grin and he strides over. He hops up onto the porch and immediately wraps his arms my waist, pulling me against him. "Good morning," he says, leaning down to press a kiss to my lips.

"Mmmm, good morning," I reply, looping my arms around his neck. "So, what's with the extra trailer?"

"Oh, yeah," Derek says, glancing over his shoulder at the chief who is now sitting on his porch, sipping coffee. "I told the chief he could move onto my land," he explains, turning back to me. "Adele asked for a divorce."

"Poor chief," I say, frowning slightly. "But am I crazy or was that trailer not there when we came home last night?"

"Oh no, it was," Derek says, smiling.

"Was I really that out of it?" I ask, wincing slightly.

"Don't you remember? I had to carry you into the trailer," Derek tells me. "And I think you must've been dreaming, because you kept calling me Sir Lancelot."

"Well," I tell him with a smile, "you are my knight in shining whatever."

"True," he says, leaning forward to kiss me again. "So, you hungry?" he asks when he pulls back.

"Always."

xxx

"Trout," the chief says, looking at his plate. "Again."

I smile and take a bite. "You better get used to it, chief, if you're gonna live on Derek's land."

The chief looks up at me, his fork poised over the fish. "You like this?"

I nod. "I love it. It's the only thing I can keep down when my morning sickness is really bad."

The chief frowns and takes a bite of his eggs. I shake my head at him. "So you moved in yesterday, chief?" He nods. I look over at Derek. "So I'm gone one night and you move in with the chief?"

"I was simply granting him a favor," Derek says, giving me a look.

"I do appreciate it, Shep. I really do." He pauses, looking thoughtful. "I'm hoping this time apart will do me and Adele good."

"Make her realize what she's missing," Derek says.

The chief nods. "Exactly." He points at Derek. "Exactly. She'll realize she can't live without me."

I have to dip my head for a second to conceal my smile, but Derek notices and kicks me under the table. "Ow," I say, scowling at him.

"What?" he asks innocently, placing a a bite of trout in his mouth.

xxx

"You sure you don't need help?" I ask Derek as I watch him from my perch on his bed as he washes the dishes.

"Do you even know how to wash a dish?" he asks as he scrubs at a pan.

"Of course I know how to wash a dish," I tell him, leaning back against the head board.

"Mmmm," he says, giving me a look. "I'm sure."

"Shut up."

He smiles and turns off the water, wiping his hands on his jeans before making his way over to me. He kneels on the bed and crawls across the mattress, slipping his hands under my knees and pulling me towards him. I let out a little giggle as he slips my legs around his waist and moves his hands to support me on my back. "There's dirty in your eyes," I tell him.

He nods devilishly and applies pressure to my back, molding my body against his. I place my hands on either side of his face and kiss him. He runs his tongues over my lips and I part them willingly, running my fingers over his jaw at the same time, feeling his morning stubble against my skin.

"Did you lock the door?" I ask as he shifts his lips to my neck.

"Don't remember," he says, his voice muffled.

"Do you think we should?" I say huskily, all the while drawing him closer.

He shakes his head and I nod in agreement as he pushes me down onto the bed. He gazes down at me for a second and then reaches for the hem of my shirt, lifting it over my head. Then, dipping his head to my stomach, he runs his tongue upwards from my belly button, between my breasts and over my collarbone, before pressing a kiss to my neck. I let out a soft moan and run my hand up his back into the curls at the base of neck.

He lifts his face so that it's level with mine and kisses my lips softly. I feel myself slipping away from reality as I focus on his hands and lips and body, pressing me to the bed gently.

And then the chief walks in. We really should have locked the door. Derek jumps away from me abruptly and I reach for my shirt to cover myself. "Oh! Oh-oh my..." the chief stutters, spinning away from us. "I-I'm sorry...I'm just gonna...I'll just..." He shakes his head and stumbles outside, leaving both Derek and I sitting on the bed, slightly shell-shocked.

"I told you we should've locked the door," I grumble, slipping my shirt on and swinging my legs over the edge of the bed.

"Sorry," Derek says, standing up and following me into the kitchen area.

I turn towards him, leaning against the counter, and narrow my eyes. "The chief just saw me half-naked. And it's all your fault."

Derek tries to keep a straight face, but fails miserably. I reach out and hit him across the chest. "Shut up," I tell him. "Do you realize how humiliating that was?"

"I thought it was funny," he admits.

"Sure you did. _You _were fully clothed." I glare at him. "That was not funny. I was naked, Derek!"

"Hence the funny," he says, grinning at me.

I shoot him a little scowl, before crossing my arms across my chest and dropping my gaze to the floor. Derek takes a step towards me and reaches out, unfolding my arms and taking my hands in his. "Don't worry about it, Mer," he says softly. "I'm sure it'll all be forgotten by tomorrow."

I look back into his face and offer a weak smile. "You think?"

He nods and moves closer to me until he's got me pinned against the counter. I feel my smile grow as he leans towards me, pressing a kiss to my lips. When we pull apart I glance at the door. "Think we should lock it?"

He nods. "Good idea."

xxx

Early the next morning, I wake up when Derek tries to slip out of bed. "Where are you going?" I ask, turning towards him.

"I have to go catch breakfast," he says.

"Fishing? You're going fishing? Come on. It's still dark out, Derek."

"It's the best time to catch them."

"But I want to keep sleeping," I complain, pulling him towards me.

"You can keep sleeping."

"I can't sleep without you," I tell him.

Derek chuckles. "You did it yesterday."

"But I didn't like it. I don't like waking up without you."

His face softens into a smile and he slides back into bed, gathering me up into his arms. "Fine," he says, kissing my forehead. "We can sleep a little longer."

"Thank you," I say as I settle against him. I rest my cheek against his chest with a little sigh and wrap my arm around his stomach falling asleep almost instantly.

xxx

A couple of hours later, both Derek and I are woken up when someone knocks on the door. "Shepherd? You in there?"

Derek groans softly behind me and press his face into my hair, breathing in deeply. "What does he want?" I ask softly.

"Breakfast," Derek says.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Can't he make his own breakfast?"

"Apparently not," Derek replies, beginning to pull away from me.

I groan at the loss of warmth and pull the covers more closely around my body as Derek stands up and walks over to the door. "Chief," he greets him, his voice tired.

"Oh, I didn't mean to wake you...I just...We usually eat at six..."

"Yeah, sorry. I overslept."

"So is breakfast almost ready?"

I smirk as I hear Derek's exasperated groan. "No, it's not." I catch sight of him as he steps away from the door, opens a cabinet, takes out the Muesli and thrusts it at the chief.

The chief stares at it for a moment, then look back up at Derek. "Muesli?"

"Yeah, it's cereal." I have to stifle my laughter in the pillow.

"Oh, okay...I guess I'll see you later then," the chief says, stepping away from the door. Derek closes the door behind him and walks back towards the bed. I prop myself up on my elbow and smile at him.

He stops at the foot of the bed and runs his hand down his face. "That man may be one of the most competent surgeons on the West Coast, but he can't make his own breakfast."

"He's getting divorced. Give the guy a break," I say.

Derek nods slightly and gets back on the bed, lying down next me. I turn on my side and rest my back against his chest. He rests his arm across my stomach and lifts my shirt slightly to rest his palm across my bare stomach and soon I drift into sleep once again.

**So, I have to ask, what do you guys think of Owen Hunt? Because, personally, I'm kind of, like, totally and completely in love with him. **


	30. I Wasn't There

I lean against the railing on the bridge connecting the two surgical wings, enjoying the view, when I feel a hand on my back. I stand up and turn around, coming face to face with Derek. I smile at him, placing my hands on his chest as he wraps his arms around my waist. "Morning," he says. "I missed you last night."

"Me too." I sigh tiredly and look up at him. "I barely slept at all last night," I tell him. "I can't sleep without you anymore. You've ruined me."

He chuckles and reaches out to run his thumb along my cheek. "Want to go get some sleep now?" he asks.

"You don't have any surgeries?" I ask.

He shakes his head and leans forward to press a kiss to my forehead. I move into him, smiling. "I could definitely go for a nap."

He smiles and pulls back, reaching down for my hand. But as we're making our way down the stairs towards the on call rooms, I see something that makes me stop in the middle of the staircase. Derek turns and looks at me. "What is it?" he asks, furrowing his brow.

"It can't be..." I whisper to myself.

"Can't be what?" Derek says, thoroughly confused.

I let go of his hand and walk past him, jogging the rest of the way down the steps, towards the nurse's station where a woman with blonde hair is standing, her back to me. "Sadie?" I ask.

The woman turns and practically screams when she sees me. "Meredith!" she squeals, immediately crushing me in a hug. "I can't believe it!" she exclaims when she pulls back.

I shake my head, my mouth slightly agape. "I...I can't either..."

She smiles at me. "This is unbelievable. It's been so long. How are you?"

I return the smile, still feeling slightly shell-shocked. "I'm fine. I'm good."

She nods her head, looking me up and down. "You look good."

"Thanks," I say. "So do you," I add.

Just then, Derek appears at my side, smiling at Sadie. I turn towards him, and motion to Sadie. "This is Sadie," I say. "We've known each other since...forever," I explain as Derek shakes her hand. "And this is Derek," I say. "He's my... my person."

"Nice to meet you," he says.

"And you," Sadie says, raising her eyebrows at me in approval. I roll my eyes at her.

"So..." I say. "Do you want to...get a cup of coffee or something?"

She nods. "I could do that."

I turn to Derek as Sadie moves off to the side. "Go," he says, smiling. "Have fun. I'll see you later." I smile and move into his body for an instant, pressing a quick kiss to his lips.

"I'll miss you," I murmur.

He kisses me again. "I'll miss you too," he says, giving my hand a squeeze before walking away. I turn back to Sadie who is shaking her head at me.

"What?" I say as we begin walking towards the cafeteria.

"Where did you find him?" she asks me.

I shake my head at her. "It's a long story."

She laughs. "It always is with you."

I laugh and give her a nudge with my elbow. "So," I tell her. "You still haven't told me why you're here."

She glances down at her outfit of scrubs. "Isn't it kind of obvious?"

"I know you went to med school," I say. "What I don't know is what you're doing at Seattle Grace."

She laughs. "I'm just up from New York for a couple weeks," she tells me. "A pipe burst at Mount Sinai, so they had to close the surgical wing."

"So you decided to come to Seattle Grace so you could bug me, right?" I ask her.

"Don't flatter yourself," she says. "My dad is a good friend with Richard Webber, your chief of surgery."

"I know who he is," I say, rolling my eyes at her. I pause for a second, glancing at her. "So you didn't miss me at all?"

The smile on her face fades suddenly and she glances at the floor. "Robert died," she whispers, her voice so soft I barely catch her words.

I look at her for a second, before turning away again. "Oh my God..." I say, shaking my head. "When did he um...how long?"

"Six months ago," she says.

"Oh, Sadie," I say. "Why didn't you call me?"

"Meredith," she says, giving me look. "We haven't seen each other in, what? Five years?"

"You could've called me," I tell her.

She nods, swiping the tears out of the corners of her eyes. "I know," she murmurs.

We reach the cafeteria and walk in. We make our way over to the coffee stand and I grab a cup, beginning to fill it with decaf. "You know that's decaf, right?" Sadie asks beside me.

I pause and look at her, realizing for the first time that she doesn't know I'm pregnant. "Yeah," I say, "I know."

"Since when did you go off caffeine?" she asks as she begins to pour herself a cup.

"Since I...got pregnant," I say softly, taking a sip from my own cup.

She stops pouring abruptly and puts down her cup, turning to face me. "Oh my God." I laugh as she fumbles for words. "Oh my God."

"Jeez," I say. "It's not that big of a deal."

"What?" she says. "This is a huge deal!" I laugh again and she narrows her eyes at me. "It's that guy, right? The guy with the hair, who I just met?"

"Derek?" I say. "Yes, it's Derek's baby. Now finish pouring your coffee so we can sit down."

She picks up her cup again and fills it hastily, before following me over to a table. She sits down across from me and looks at me. "I can't believe you're knocked up," she says softly shaking her head.

"Knocked up?" I say, making a face. "What are we? Sixteen?"

She rolls her eyes. "Okay, sorry, I can't believe you're _pregnant_."

"Actually," I say, "I prefer _with child._"

She laughs at me and takes a sip of coffee, before leaning forward slightly. "So how far along are you?"

I pause for a second, counting the weeks in my head. "Um, like...two and half months," I say. "Give or take a few days."

"This is unbelievable," Sadie says, shaking her head in disbelief.

"What is so unbelievable about it?" I ask.

"I don't know..." she says. "I guess I just never picked you for the mommy track."

"Everyone just loves to throw that in, don't they?" I say. "Come on," I add, leaning back in my chair. "I'm gonna be a good mom."

"I don't doubt it," she says. "I always thought you'd make a good mom. It's just that...with Ellis and everything...you were always so scared of becoming her..." She trails off for a second. "I just always thought you'd be too scared to..."

"Have kids?" I say and she nods. "I was scared," I tell her, nodding my head. "For most of my life I was scared, but then I met Derek."

"You really love him?" she asks me.

I nod. "I really do."

"I'm really happy for you, Meredith," she says softly and I can hear the tears in her voice.

I frown and reach across the table, taking her hand. "I'm so sorry, Sadie," I say softly. "About Robert...I...I'm so sorry."

She nods, blinking the tears away that are brimming in her eyes. "Yeah," she says softly. "Yeah, me too."

xxx

Later that day I page Derek to an on call room. He's there within five minutes, but I'm already half asleep, lying on the bed. He smiles and slips off his shoes, sliding onto the bed next to me. I lift my head and rest it on his chest as he gathers me against him. "How's your friend?" he asks, kissing my hair.

"She's good," I say sleepily. I feel him nod, his chin moving against my head. "Her husband died," I tell him softly.

"Oh, Mer..." he says. I lift my face to look at him.

"It happened a few months ago and I...I wasn't there..." Without warning, I feel tears come to my eyes. "I wasn't there, Derek..."

"Meredith, you would've been there if she had called you..."

"But she didn't call me," I tell him. "She didn't feel like she could call me..."

"Meredith, friendships fade. There's nothing you can do about it..."

I shake my head, cutting him off. "I don't want to talk about," I say.

"Meredith..."

"Just kiss me," I tell him. "Just kiss me, okay? Please..."

He frowns, but leans in, pressing a kiss to my lips. I move closer to him, desperate to feel his body against mine. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me on top of him. I break the kiss for a second and look down at him. "Don't ever die, okay?"

He nods. "Okay."

**So this chapter is based off of a spoiler for 5x08 that says that a long-time friend of Meredith shows up at the hospital. The spoiler also said that she is bisexual and has a history with Meredith, but I decided to leave that part out. **

**Hope you enjoyed it!! Comment please!!**


	31. Get To Know You

"Why don't you invite Sadie over for dinner," Derek suggests that night in bed.

I turn to look at him. "You mean like invite her here? To meet you and stuff?"

"Yeah, why not? I'm sure she'll love me. I'm very charming, you know," he says grinning cockily.

"Shut up," I tell him, returning the smile. "But I don't think that would be a very good idea..."

"Why not?"

"I don't know...she just...she knows me. Like really knows me. I mean she knew me when I was all..."

"Dark and twisty?" Derek supplies.

"It was more than just dark and twisty," I tell him. He looks at me expectantly, waiting for some kind of explanation. I sigh. "I had pink hair. And wore a lot of black."

"Yeah, well I had an afro and marched in band."

"Derek," I tell him. "It was more than that."

"Mer, I'm sure your friend will not start pouring out the deepest, darkest secrets of your life. We can talk about the weather. And the baby."

I turn my head towards him. "Fine. But just the weather and the baby. You promise?"

Derek smiled and leans forwards to kiss me. "I promise."

xxx

The next day I find Sadie poring over a chart at a nurses' station and walk up to her. "Hey," I greet her, leaning on the counter beside her.

"Hey," she says, smiling as she flips the chart closed. "What's up?"

"Derek wants to meet you," I blurt out. "He's very taken with the idea of meeting someone from my past."

"Yeah, well, he loves you. He wants to know about your past. And knowing you you probably haven't given the poor guy much to go on." She smiles coyly, earning a scowl from me.

"I tell him stuff," I say defensively.

"Really? And I'm not talking about what your favorite subject was. I'm talking about what defined you. What made you the woman you are today."

I shake my head. "Sadie, please, let's not go there. And please don't go there with Derek."

Sadie eyes me for a long moment before nodding. "Fine. But you're gonna have to tell him someday. He's going to want to know what made his girlfriend so messed up."

"Dark and twisty," I mutter. "But why does he have to know? I'm not messed up anymore. I went to therapy. I'm all whole and healed or whatever."

"You went to therapy?" Sadie asks disbelievingly.

"Shut up," I tell her. "I didn't take the whole _there's a human being growing inside me _thing very well."

"I can only imagine."

"Yeah, well, I'm fine now."

Sadie shakes her head at me. "No you're not."

I roll my eyes at her. "Will you just come to dinner?" I ask her.

"Fine."

xxx

"Meredith, what are you doing?"

I turn to see Izzie standing in the doorway of the kitchen. "I'm trying to heat up a chicken," I admit guiltily.

"Step away from the stove," Izzie commands me, walking across the kitchen.

I comply, backing away from the cooking area and taking a seat at the table. I watch as Izzie presses some buttons on the stove, puts the chicken in a tray and slips it onto the racks inside the stove. "You make it look so easy," I tell her with a sigh.

"That's because it is," Izzie says. "Heating up a chicken isn't rocket science, Mer."

"I think I may be culinarily retarded."

"There's a very good possibility," Izzie says with a laugh. "So why do you need a chicken anyway?"

"My old friend Sadie is coming over for dinner," I tell her.

"Yeah, Christina was ranting about some blonde chick who was hogging you," Izzie says.

I look up at her quizzically. "Christina was ranting to you? She's supposed to rant to me," I say.

Izzie shrugs. "I think she's been feeling a little neglected since Sadie showed up."

"She shouldn't feel neglected," I say, furrowing my brow.

"You should tell her that. She's been acting like a poor, lost puppy. It's pathetic."

I nod my head. "I will."

"So you should take the chicken out in like half an hour," Izzie says as she makes her way towards the door.

"Thanks, Iz," I call as she walks outside.

I stand up and walk over to the fridge, before opening it and surveying its contents. I reach for the chocolate milk and pull it out, pushing the fridge door closed. I am about to poor myself a glass when I glance up to find Derek leaning in the doorway. I smile at him. "What are you doing here?" I ask as I poor myself the chocolate milk.

"Aw, it's good to see you to," he says, walking across the kitchen towards me.

I narrow my eyes at him as he walks around the counter and wraps his ams around my waist, pulling me back against him. I put my glass on the counter and lean back into his chest, letting out a long breath. He moves his hands to rest against my stomach and presses a kiss to my neck. "How are you?" he murmurs.

"I'm good," I tell him, resting my hands on top of his. "Very good actually."

"I'm glad," he says.

I smile and turn to face him, leaning back against the counter. "Sadie will be here soon," I say softly.

He nods. "Good."

I narrow my eyes at him. "The weather and the baby. That's it."

He nods again. "Right." He reaches out and rests his hands on my waist, moving into me. I close my eyes and press my hips against his, smoothing my hands across his chest. He wraps his arms around me more securely and kisses me softly. I press my body against his more fully and part my lips, allowing him access into my mouth.

Just then I hear the doorbell ring. I groan softly and draw my lips away from Derek's. I smile at him and lift my hand to his cheek. "To be continued," I murmur. "After dinner." He smiles happily. "But only if you follow the rules."

"The weather and the baby," he says obediently.

"Exactly."

I turn away from him and walk into the foyer. I smile at Sadie through the screen door and open it. "Hey," I greet her.

"Hi," she says, smiling. Half way through taking off her jacket, she pauses suddenly and sniffs the air. "Did _you _cook?" she asks incredulously.

I glare at her. "No. I didn't. My roommate Izzie did."

"Thank the Lord," Sadie says, shrugging out of her jacket and hanging it up on the coat rack.

"Hi," Derek greets Sadie as he emerges from the kitchen.

Sadie smiles at him. "Hey. Thanks for making Mer invite me over."

"No problem," Derek says, grinning.

"So you hungry?" I ask, leading Sadie into the dining room.

"Starving," she says.

"I'll go get the chicken," I announce. I begin to back out of the dining room and motion with my head for Derek to follow. He frowns at me in confusion, but follows me into the kitchen.

I turn towards him as the door swings shut behind us. "I don't know if I want to do this."

He furrows his brow at me and takes a step closer. "What are you so afraid of?"

"There are some things..." I trail off and shake my head. "There are some things I don't want you to know yet."

"Mer," he says, walking over to me. "It'll be fine. I swear." He reaches out and runs his hands along my arms before taking my hands in his. "The weather and the baby. That's it."

I nod slightly, bowing my head. "Fine."

He leans towards me and presses a kiss to my forehead. "Ready to go back out?" he asks, his voice soft.

I nod. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm ready." He smiles down at me. "You go ahead. I'll get the chicken and be out in a second."

He nods. "Okay."

I watch him as he turns and walks out of the kitchen, the door swinging shut behind him. It was going to be a long night.

**Okay, so I'm really sorry I haven't updated in like forever. I'll try to be better. Review please!**


	32. Let Him In

I set the plate of chicken on the table and sit down beside Derek, trying to still my racing heart. I don't know why I'm so nervous. I should be happy that Derek is so interested in my life. I should be happy that he wants to get to know people from my past. Right?

"So, Sadie, how long have you known Meredith?" Derek asks, scooping potatoes onto his plate.

"Oh, Mer and I go way back," Sadie replies, eyeing me over her water glass as she takes a sip. "Our parents were residents together in Boston."

Derek nods and glances over at me. I send him a warning look. He nods slightly and turns back to Sadie. "So how are you liking the weather in Seattle?"

"Too much rain. I'm losing my tan," Sadie says, smiling.

"Your tan?" I ask, laughing. "How the hell do you get a natural tan in New York?"

Sadie glares at me. "Don't judge, but I may occasionally go to the local tanning salon."

"Oh my God," I mutter, taking a bite of chicken. "You have just been lost without me."

Sadie laughs. "What? There's this really cute pediatric surgeon who says he likes women of color."

"I don't think that means what you think it means," Derek says, chuckling.

"Well, it's not like I can magically make myself Portuguese," Sadie tells him, rolling her eyes.

"Right, so you thought you'd fool him with a fake tan?" Derek asks, raising his eyebrows.

Sadie scowls at him and then turns back to me. "I don't like him. He's too much like you."

"But you love me," I say.

"Yeah, but not when you release your sarcasm on me," Sadie says.

"I'm sorry," I say, turning to Derek. "Go easy on her, hun, she's very fragile."

"I resent that," Sadie mutters under her breath as she takes a bit of potato.

There is a moment of silence and I wait for Derek to move on to the next topic of conversation. "So," he begins, "I guess you heard Meredith got herself knocked up?"

I swat his arm. "Knocked up? Seriously?"

"Oh, Derek," Sadie says, leaning forward a little and whispering. "I think she prefers the term _with child._"

Derek nods. "Oh, okay. I got it." He sits back in his chair and clears his throat. "So, Sadie, I guess you heard that Meredith finds herself _with child_."

I glare at the both of them as they start laughing, apparently finding this wildly funny. "I hate both of you," I announce.

"You love me," Sadie says, smiling.

"And me," Derek adds leaning over and pressing a quick kiss to my lips.

"Fine," I relent. "But I don't _like_ either of you very much."

"Not so fun to be on the receiving end of that wit, eh?" Sadie says, grinning.

"It's fine," I say airily, refusing to let her know she's right.

She rolls her eyes and turns back to Derek. "Anyway, yes. I have heard tell that Meredith is pregnant."

Derek smiles and glances at me. His look is infused with the familiar pride and protection that has filled his gaze ever since he knew I was pregnant. Out of the corner of my eye I see Sadie raise her eyebrows in approval. "So, you two getting hitched?" Sadie asks conversationally, completely unaware of the bomb she just dropped.

I feel the blood drain out of my face and I drop Derek's gaze abruptly. I feel his eyes on my face, trying to catch my eye to calm me down, but I don't look at him. "We, uh, we haven't discussed it," Derek says vaguely.

Sensing the tense atmosphere, Sadie drops the subject. "So, Derek, what do you want: a boy or a girl?"

Derek smiles beside me and I can feel myself relax a little. "I don't have a preference."

"How about you, Mer?" Sadie asks.

"I don't care," I tell her. "As long as it isn't ugly."

Sadie clucks with mock disapproval. "So vain." She smiles at me. "Anyway, for a while, when I thought I was going to go into pediatrics, I spent a lot of time in nurseries and let me tell you, I met my fair share of ugly babies."

"I thought all babies are beautiful," Derek interrupts.

Sadie only rolls her eyes before continuing: "The weird thing was that none of the parents realized how unattractive their babies were. Especially the mothers, although they're so flooded with maternal hormones that they would probably love the thing even if it came out looking like Michael Jackson."

"So sensitive," I comment dryly. "I wonder why you didn't make it in pediatrics."

"Surgery is much better," Sadie says, ignoring my sarcasm. "In the end, the patients don't care if your nice. All they care about if whether or not you know what you're doing."

"I wouldn't go that far," Derek interjects. "Bedside manner goes a long way. Nobody is going to let you cut into them if you're an asshole who acts you're indifferent to whether they die or not."

'So you're telling me," Sadie says, "that a patient would prefer a _sweet _surgeon who doesn't know what the hell she's doing to an asshole who graduated at the top of her class at Columbia?"

"Well, no," Derek says. "You gotta find the middle ground."

"I hate middle ground," Sadie says. "I'm more a fan of black and white."

"Black and white definitely has its place," Derek says, "but you can't always go by the textbook."

A strange silence settles over the table. After a while, I lift my gaze from my plate and glance at Derek.

"Well, that's very deep of you, Derek, but I actually have an early shift, so I better be going," Sadie says, standing up.

"You sure?" I ask, although I'm exhausted too.

She nods and smiles at me. I suddenly realize how much I truly missed her and how hard it will be when she has to go back to New York. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow," I say, walking into the foyer.

"Definitely," she says. She turns towards Derek then and extends her hand. "I had a lovely time, Derek," she says, with only a hint of sarcasm. Derek grins at her. "And make sure to take care of my friend." Her tone is serious this time and Derek regards her for a second.

"I will if she'll let me," he says finally.

Sadie nods in understanding and Derek smiles and walks into the kitchen leaving Sadie and I alone. She walks over and pulls me into a hug. "You should really let him in," she tells me quietly.

"I do let him-"

"Mer, I'm serious. He loves you. I mean, really loves you. The way he looks at you..." She trails off and shakes her head. "Let down your defenses for once in your life."

My knee-jerk reaction is to get mad, but I pause and force myself to take a deep breath. She's right. I know she's right. I nod slightly and watch as she walks outside, before turning and making my way into the kitchen. Derek is doing the dishes already, his sleeves rolled up, his arms submerged in sudsy water. I lean against the doorframe and watch him work, cleaning each plate carefully, before drying it and setting it aside.

I try to picture myself married to him, I try to picture the whole life--with the ring and the house and the kid. For once, the image I conjure up doesn't seem so unfathomable. Ever since I got pregnant it has become more and more fathomable. I know Derek is it for me. I _want _to be with him forever. But there's something so final about marriage. And I know what divorce does to kids. I don't my baby to have the childhood I had.

Just then, Derek turns and spots me leaning against the doorframe. His face immediately lights up and he walks across the room, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. "You ready for bed?" he asks softly, kissing my forehead.

I nod and tilt my head upward to press a kiss to his lips. "Only if you come with me."

He grins and kisses me again. "I can deal with those terms."

xxx

After changing into our pajamas, Derek and I both climb under the covers. Derek waits for me to settle against the pillow before lying down behind me and wrapping his arm around my stomach. I lean back against his chest and close my eyes for a second, relishing in his warmth and his smell.

We lie in silence for a while and Sadie's words keep echoing in my head. _Let down your guard. Let him in. _

"Derek?" I ask.

"Yeah," he murmurs, his lips close to my ear.

"When Sadie asked about us getting married..."

"Don't worry about it, Mer," he says instantly. "We don't even have to talk about marriage if you don't want to."

"No, I do," I say softly. "I do...I just..." _Let him in. _"I'm scared."

I feel his grasp tighten around me at my words. "Why?" he asks and his is tone gentle.

"I grew up with parents who fought constantly. I don't want that for our baby," I admit, my voice barely above a whisper. "I mean...I can't imagine my life without you, but how can I not be afraid that I'll turn out exactly like my mother?"

Derek doesn't miss a beat before answering. "Because you're kind and beautiful and you already love our baby more than your mother ever could love you," he says with quiet assurance. He shifts his hand slightly so that's it's resting gently on my stomach, before pressing his lips to my neck.

I smile and nestle further into him. "Thank you," I say softly. "You always can calm me down."

"No problem," he murmurs, moving his hand across my stomach gently.

"So what'd you think of Sadie?" I ask him quietly.

"I can see why you two are friends."

I twist slightly in his arms to glance at his face. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He shrugs. "She just reminds me of you."

"Yeah, well. We grew up together. We picked up each other's habits and senses of humor and tastes..." I trail off and smile. "She was my best friend."

"Do you miss her?" he asks me. I can hear the hesitation in his voice. I realize with a pang of guilt that I usually would've shut down by this point.

"I really do," I tell him honestly. "She's knows me better than...anyone else." I pause, opening my mouth to speak, but closing it again. I move my hand down and slip it under his on my stomach. He squeezes it reassuringly. "I know...I know I've never truly let you in...but I do want you to know me. As well as Sadie does. As well as Christina does. It's just...It's going to be hard for me."

I take a deep breath and feel him pull me closer, molding my body against his. "You can trust me, Mer," he tells me, his voice a soothing murmur. "I'll love you. No matter what. And I'll never leave you."

"I know," I say softly. "I know I don't always act like it, but I do know."

**Hope you guys enjoyed! What do you think of Sadie? I have to admit, I actually loosely based her off of me. Lol. **

**I made this update a little longer, because it might be a while until my next update. I'll try to finish it by the end of the week. Please REVIEW!**


	33. How Do I Do This?

**I'm so sorry for not updating in like forever, but school has been crazy since I got back from winter break. I've been buried under a pile of schoolwork every night for the past two months. It's basically evil for two main reasons: One, I'm freakin sleep deprived and two, I don't ever have time to write/update!!! Ugh. Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter.**

I walk in the door after a long shift and hang my coat up. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes for a second and leaning against the doorframe. "You okay?"

I look up to see Izzie walking towards me, the kitchen door swinging shut behind her. "Yeah," I say. "I'm fine. Just tired."

She nods. "You should get some sleep."

I smile and begin to move towards the stairs. "I was planning on it," I tell her with a yawn.

"You might want to wake Derek up first."

I pause on the first step and turn back towards Izzie. She's standing in the doorway leading into the living room. "What?" I ask, walking back over to her and glancing over her shoulder.

She motions towards the couch where Derek is lying, fast asleep, a book resting across his chest. I smile and move past Izzie to sit on the edge of the cushions. Behind me, I hear Izzie move out of the doorway. "I'll see you later, Mer," she calls from the foyer. I can hear her slipping on her coat. "I gotta get to the hospital."

"Yeah, see ya," I call back distractedly. I hear the door shut behind her, but I don't turn towards the sound. My gaze remains fixed on Derek's face.

I reach out and pull the book out from under his hands, placing it on the coffee table. "Derek," I say softly, gently shaking his arm. He opens his eyes and glances around groggily before focusing on my face.

"Hey," he says, his voice slightly hoarse from sleep. "I was gonna wait up for you…" He trails off and rubs his eyes. "I guess I fell asleep."

"You didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to." He reaches out and runs his thumb along my cheek. "You look tired," he mumbles, his gaze falling across my face. "Long shift?" he asks, looking into my eyes again.

"Yeah," I say with a slight nod. I let out a long sigh and clump forwards slightly. "I'm exhausted."

He smiles at me and slips his hand around my waist, tugging me closer. "Come here," he murmurs, scooting over on the couch to make room for me. "I wish you wouldn't work so much," he says quietly, running his fingers through my hair.

"I know you do," I say, closing my eyes. I press my face into his chest and he pulls me closer, tucking my head under his chin.

"Maybe you should cut back your hours," he suggests. "I could talk to the chief..."

"Derek, I'm pregnant, not terminally ill. There's no reason for me to cut back my hours yet. It's not like I'm going to break."

"I know," he sighs. "I just worry about you."

I lift my face away from his chest to meet his eyes. "I know you do," I murmur. I reach out and run my fingers across his cheek, feeling the rough stubble against my fingertips. "I love you," I whisper. I don't meet his eyes, but he must have seen the truth in my face, because he smiles slightly, the corners of his mouth tugging upwards.

He leans towards me and I let my hand slide away from his face to rest in the center of his chest as his lips near mine. I part my lips in anticipation as his face draws closer. "I know you do," he breathes, his breath warm and familiar against my lips, before pressing his mouth to mine.

The kiss is gentle, almost careful, as if he really is worried that I'm going to break. He runs his tongue along my lips before slipping it inside my mouth to meet mine briefly, before pulling back and pressing a kiss to the corner of my mouth and then the tip of my nose and then my forehead. "Ready for bed?" he whispers into my hair.

"Definitely," I reply.

I roll away from him off the couch and we both get up and make our way upstairs. Derek sits down on the edge of the bed as I walk over to the dresser and pull out my pajamas. He watches, a slightly mesmerized look on his face, as I step out of my clothes and pull on my Dartmouth t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. I shake my head at him, a smirk playing on my lips, and walk over to where he is sitting, coming to stand between his legs. He wraps his arms around my waist and looks up at me. "What?" I ask, my hands resting against his shoulders.

"Nothing," he murmurs. "It's just...nothing."

He drops his gaze to my stomach, which is at about eye level with me standing. He pushes my shirt up slightly and kisses my bare stomach, before wrapping his arms around my waist again and resting his cheek against it.

I feel tears come to my eyes as I watch him. I can picture him being a father. The image is so clear in my head. It takes no effort to conjure and it just makes sense. Derek _should_ be a father. I knew that about him within days of knowing him. But when I try to picture myself as a mother, I can't. It _doesn't_ make sense. The image is blurry and unfocused.

Derek pulls away eventually and tugs back the covers. He settles against the pillows and I lie down in front of him, pressing my back against his chest. He pulls the covers up over us, before sliding his hand along my side and resting it against my stomach. "Derek?" I ask.

"Yeah?" he replies, his voice soft.

"I don't..." I suck in a shaky breath. "I don't know how to be a mother." I let out a long breath, absentmindedly running my fingers over his arm that's resting across my stomach. "I look at you and you're just...you're going to be a great father. And I'm just...well, me. Dark and twisty and unmotherly or whatever."

He pulls me closer immediately, enveloping me in his arms and in his body. I can feel the gentle scratch of his stubble as he presses his face into the curve of my neck. "When my sisters had their kids, I was there. I was there. For all fourteen births. And something happens..." He sighs, shaking his head and I turn in his arms so I can look at his face. He looks into my eyes and it seems to ground him. He smiles and draws me closer. "When my sisters held their babies for the first time, when the doctor handed them this little mess of cries and flailing limbs, something happened. I could see it in their faces, it was like a switch had been flipped or something. But in that moment...in that moment, they became moms." He gives a little shrug, running his gaze across my face before meeting my eyes again. "You won't know how to be a mother until you hold that baby in your arms. You won't know until you look in its face and see that it has your green eyes and my curly hair...but right then, in that moment you'll just _know._"

I squeeze my eyes shut for a split second, smoothing my hands across his chest. "You realize that's not very comforting at this point, right?"

He smiles and his expression softens. "I know. But it's the truth."

"I might freak out a few more times," I warn him.

His smile grows into an amused grin. "Totally understandable."

I look up at him skeptically. "So I'll just _know_?"

He nods solemnly. "You'll just know."

"Huh."

He chuckles at me and leans down, kissing me quickly. "Stop worrying," he murmurs into my lips.

"Hey," I say, pulling away from him slightly. "I'm pregnant. I reserve the right to worry or freak out or whatever other outrageous thing my hormones drive me to do."

He nods. "That's true, you do," he concedes.

"Just so we're clear," I say giving him a warning look. He nods and I smile and kiss him softly, before pressing my face into his chest and falling asleep.

xxx

The next morning as I'm sitting in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee the doorbell rings. I walk into the foyer and see Sadie through the screen door. She smiles as I pull open the door and step aside to let her by. "What're you doing here?" I ask.

She takes a few steps forward before turning to look at me. "I'm heading back," she says.

"To New York?" I ask.

She nods. "They finished the construction sooner than planned."

"Oh," I say, crossing my arms across my chest.

"I would stay, but they really need me..."

"No, of course," I say, nodding. I glance at the floor and then back up at her face. "Okay, well...I guess I'll see you...later."

She nods slightly, her mouth turned down at the corners. "Yeah, definitely."

I feel tears pricking the corners of my eyes and I blink them away, crossing my arms across my chest protectively. "I, uh…" I shake my head and focus my gaze on a spot somewhere over Sadie's left shoulder. "Thank you." I focus on her face again and she furrows her brow at me.

"For what?" she asks.

"For…being my friend."

She grins. "Seriously, Mer?" she asks, her tone teasing. "It sounds like you got that off a Hallmark card or something."

I shrug. "Well…It's true," I murmur and the smile fades from her face.

"I know," she says, her tone heavy.

I suddenly hear the stairs creak and we both turn towards the sound. Derek is hovering on the top step, looking uncertain as to whether or not he should intrude. I smile at him and turn back to Sadie. "He loves you," Sadie says simply.

"Yeah," I murmur.

"Don't fuck it up," Sadie instructs, her lips parting into a grin again.

I grin back; I can't help it. "I won't," I promise.

Sadie and pulls me into a hug. "I'll miss you, Meredith."

There is something so painfully final about her words. I feel a dull ache resonate somewhere in my chest as we pull away from each other. "Me too," I whisper.

She drifts towards the door, her hand hovering over the doorknob. She opens her mouth as if to say something, but closes it again and offers a sad smile instead as she pushed open the door and walks outside. Even after she rounds the corner and disappears from sight, I remain turned towards the door, feeling oddly empty.

I hear the stairs creak as Derek walks down the remaining steps and comes to stand behind me. I can feel the heat of his body and familiar smell of his aftershave and I close my eyes, inhaling deeply. "You okay?" he whispers behind me.

I let out a shaky breath. "Yes." I squeeze my eyes shut. "No."

He shifts closer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his hands against my stomach. I lean back into him instinctively, resting my head against his chest. "I'm sorry," he murmurs.

"Me too," I breathe.

**So Sadie's gone and Meredith is opening up more and more to Derek, which is good and…that's pretty much it. Lol. **

**I'll try to update soon! Please review!**


	34. Save Me

I wake up to the incessant beeping of the alarm clock. I let out a tired groan as Derek reaches over me to shut it off. "I don't want to get out of bed," I mumble, turning towards Derek and burying my face in his chest. "I'm warm and comfortable and I don't want to get up."

"Me neither," Derek says, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. "But I have an early surgery."

"So you can get up and I'll stay here," I say, knowing full well that he can't move with me draped across him like this.

"You could," he says. "Or you could get up, take a shower, eat breakfast and come into the hospital with me. And then, if you're really nice to me, I might let you scrub in."

I lift my head from his chest to look into his face, narrowing my eyes slightly. "Promise?"

He nods. "Promise."

I roll away from him with a sigh and stand up, making my way towards the bathroom. But as I reach the doorway a sudden wave of dizziness washes over me and I reach out, grabbing the doorframe for support. I feel Derek's steadying hands on my hips a second later. "You okay?" he asks, the concern evident in his voice.

I shake my head, trying to clear the light-headed feeling. "Yeah," I say, but don't move right away. I lean back against Derek's chest for a moment and he slides his hands forward, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"You sure?" he murmurs, spreading his fingers across my stomach.

I nod. "Yeah," I say again, taking a step away from him into the bathroom. I can feel Derek's gaze follow me as I move towards the tub. "I'm okay," I insist, throwing a reassuring smile over my shoulder as I reach into the shower and start the hot water running.

"Okay," he mumbles, but I can tell he doesn't believe me.

xxx

Derek and I walk into the hospital hand in hand and make our way over to the elevator. I press the button, feeling Derek's concerned gaze watching my every movement. I sigh softly, glancing up to meet his eyes. "I'm fine, Derek," I tell him even though I still feel strangely woozy. "Stop worrying."

"How can I stop worrying?" he asks, searching my face. "You almost fainted."

"I did not almost faint," I say wondering why the elevator is taking so freaking long to come. "I was temporarily light-headed."

"That is the definition of almost fainting," Derek says. I shoot him a glare. I hate it when he's reasonable.

"Derek, please stop worrying," I beg. "I swear you'll be the first to know if I don't feel good." I try not to cringe at the blatant lie, but I don't want him to get worked up over something that's probably nothing.

His gaze runs across my face and I can tell he's trying to decide whether or not he believes me. "You promise?" he asks.

"Promise."

The elevator finally decides to show up and we both step on. The doors are just starting to close when someone sticks their hand between them making them slide open again. I glance up at the face absentmindedly, but do a double take when I realize who it is. "Addison?" I breathe, a hint of amazement in my voice.

She seems just as surprised to see me. "Meredith!" she exclaims. She lets out a nervous laugh, before leaning towards me slightly. It takes me a second to realize she's trying to hug me and wrap my arms around her awkwardly.

I glance down at the floor when we pull apart then at Derek, who is looking at Addison with a slightly shell-shocked expression. "Derek," she greets him, nodding her head towards him.

He smiles slightly, glances at me, then turns back to Addison. "W-what are you doing here?" he asks.

"Richard called me in for a case," she explains.

He nods slightly, but doesn't respond and an awkward silence fills the tiny space of the elevator. "So," I say, maybe a little too enthusiastically, "how's LA?"

"Oh, it's great," Addison says, bobbing her head up and down. "You know it's the sun and surfing…"

"You surf?" Derek asks incredulously.

Addison is quiet for a minute. "No…No I don't surf."

"Oh."

"Anyway," she says turning back to me. "Did you see how I hugged there? You stole my husband from me and I hugged you…I mean, I-I've grown. As a person."

"That's…that's great," I manage, forcing my lips to stay curved upwards in what hopefully resembles a smile.

Just then the doors ding open and I let out a grateful sigh. "Well, it's good to see you both again," Addison says as we exit the elevator.

"Yeah, you too," Derek calls, following me down the hallway. We reach the resident locker room and I am about to walk inside when I feel Derek's hand on my arm, pulling me back to face him. "If you start feeling dizzy…"

"Derek…" I sigh.

"If you start feeling dizzy," he begins again, ignoring my exasperated expression, "page me."

"That won't be necessary, because I feel fine," I repeat for what feels like the hundredth time that day.

"Meredith," he says, his eyes serious.

"Fine," I concede. "If I feel dizzy, I'll page you."

"Thank you," he says, smiling. He leans forward and presses a kiss to my forehead, before turning away, but I reach out, grabbing his hand to pull him back.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Don't tell Addison that I'm pregnant," I say.

"What? Why not?"

"I don't know…I just…Just please don't tell her."

He nods, his mouth set in a straight line. "Okay. I won't."

"Thank you," I say, smiling gratefully. He smiles back and then turns away from me, making his way down the hall.

xxx

I feel fine through most of rounds, but as I'm leaving the last room, a patient of Dr. Hahn's, the faint dizziness that has been plaguing me all morning swells and I sway slightly. I grab the doorframe to steady myself, taking a deep breath. "You okay there, Dr. Grey?"

I hear Dr. Hahn's voice behind me and try to focus on the sound. "Yeah," I manage, blinking in an attempt to clear my vision. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Dr. Hahn can't read the lie in my voice the way Derek would have been able to so she simply nods and moves past me.

I walk over to the nearest nurses' station and lean against the counter. I glance down at my pager, clipped to my scrub pants. Reaching down, I tap my finger against the plastic casing, but don't pick it up. I tell myself that if it happens again, I'll page Derek. But not right now. Right now I have too much work to do.

xxx

An hour later, Derek pages me to prep the patient for the surgery he promised I could scrub in on. I'm waiting in front of the elevator doors, holding the patient's chart, when I hear the familiar click of stilettos against the tile floor. "Meredith," Addison says, coming to stand next to me. "Hello again."

"Hi," I say softly, keeping my eyes focused on the elevator doors.

Addison glances at me, shifting from one impossibly high heel to the other. "Is Derek…is Derek okay?" she asks suddenly.

I glance at her, confused and slightly startled by the question. "W-why wouldn't he be?"

"I don't know…he just seemed…worried about something this morning."

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she is able to read Derek as well as I am. She _was_ married to the guy for eleven years. "Oh, well…he's fine," I say vaguely.

"Right. Right, of course. Well, I'm glad he's fine and I'm glad you're fine. And I'm glad you're fine…together…" I glance at her out of the corner of my eye, raising my eyebrows at the uncharacteristic rambling. "I mean, it's not like I didn't expect you to be fine…I actually was half-expecting to find you engaged with a baby on the way…"

The chart I had been holding suddenly slips out of my hands and the crash of it hitting the floor cuts her off. I drop to my knees abruptly, gathering up the papers before standing back up quickly. As I straighten up, though, the hallway seems to tilt to the side and I struggle to stay upright as the corners of my vision blur. "Um…you alright there?" Addison asks.

"Yup," I say. "Fine."

Just then the elevator doors slide open and we both walk on. I walk to the back and press my back to the wall. I squeeze my eyes shut in an attempt to clear my head, but when I open them again, the room seems to be swimming even more. I feel the fear settle itself in the pit of my stomach and I instinctively press my hand against my stomach. Suddenly, the only thing I want is to see Derek and have him reassure me. To tell me that everything is going to be all right.

Addison glances back at me over her shoulder and furrows her brow slightly. I know I probably don't look very good, but that fact is really hard to focus on when all of my energy is currently going into not sliding to the floor. "Are you sure you're—"

Thankfully, the ding of the elevator doors opening cuts Addison off. She walks off ahead of me, disappearing around the corner. I can see Derek standing at the nurses' station a few feet away and all I want to do is curl up in his arms and let him take care of me. As I take a step out of the elevator, he turns and catches sight of me. I keep my gaze focused on his face as the hallway begins to tip and spin around me. The distance between him and me seems to lengthen even as I walk towards him. I wish he were closer. He would support me. He wouldn't let me fall.

A wave of dizziness hits me and I close my eyes, swaying slightly. I begin to fall and I wait for the inevitable collision with the floor, but it never comes. Instead I feel Derek's arms catch me, scooping me up before I hit the floor. "Derek?" I mumble groggily, struggling to focus on his face.

"I'm here," he says softly. "You're okay."

I press my face into his chest as he carries me into a nearby room and lays me down on the bed. He bends his face close to me. "I'll be right back, okay?" he tells me, his voice soft.

"What?" I cry. The thought of him leaving is unbearable.

"I'm getting Addison," he explains.

"No, Derek…I don't want her to…" I shake my head slightly. His face keeps going in and out of focus. He feels so far away. I want him to be nearer.

"Meredith, she's the best. I'm not settling for anything less than the best for our baby."

"But, Derek..." My protest dies on my lips as another wave of dizziness washes over me. I can feel myself slowly losing the battle to stay conscious. "Don't leave me," I beg him, feeling my eyelids droop. Keeping my eyes open suddenly seems extremely exhausting.

"I'll be right back," he promises, his voice low and comforting.

"Derek…"

"I'll be right back," he says again, pressing a kiss to my forehead. I nod my head tiredly. His face begins to fade away and I feel my eyelids droop shut as I slip into darkness.

**Hope you liked the chapter and Addison's visit to Seattle Grace! Please review!!!!**


End file.
